It would be nice if I didn’t need to have bad relationships. I’ve observed this from many angles since last night. Part of me is shocked. I convinced myself this wasn’t possible, that we were happy, that we communicated well, that everything was just fine. I convinced myself the relationship was good and healthy and I finally was treating myself right. But that simply wasn’t true. Despite all of my effort going into being happy, and don’t get me wrong, I was very happy at times, I wasn’t honoring myself.
I watched the Joy Luck Club a couple of months ago and one of the stories resonated with me and has kept coming back to mind for months. The woman who married the man of her dreams but changed everything about herself and lost him in the process. I kept seeing myself living that over the past months, changing myself based on what I perceived to be his needs, losing myself in the process. But I could never reclaim myself. Partly because I didn’t know how to, partly because I was afraid that I was wrong in that respect, but right about everything being perfectly fine.
And then he tells me. He loves everything about me, but he isn’t happy. There isn’t a single thing about me that makes him happy. My personality, my body, they disgust him and he hates himself for feeling that way. And even with all the hurtful things he said, I am still here, waiting to see him tomorrow, hoping that we can work things out. And I keep asking myself why?
But for this moment, I’m going to let go of that. Tomorrow isn’t my concern right now. My concern is the fact that I seem to need these painful relationships to motivate me into bettering myself. There is nothing like being told that I can’t to motivate me. Nothing like being called worthless to make me want to rebel, to make me want to prove them wrong. In a way, I’m thankful that this is my reaction rather than collapsing in on myself, but I shouldn’t need the pain and rejection in order to propel myself toward these things.
I am healing. I recognize the things I am doing differently. I’ve felt more pain from lesser problems but I think the difference is that this time I am acknowledging the pain and attempting to allow myself to feel it and move through it. Previously, I did everything I could to numb it, to ignore it, to devalue my own feelings. The relationship was too short, I shouldn’t be this hurt, he wasn’t worth my time, feeling this way gives him more power. But it doesn’t matter if the relationship was weeks or months or years. I feel the pain of rejection. I feel the pain of his hurtful words. I don’t accept them as my truth, but knowing this is how I am being seen is painful. I am embracing the pain of plans that will never happen now, of money spent that I want to regret, of everything I invested in a relationship that didn’t last.
And I know I’ll be alright. I know my life is going to go on and be amazing. I know my path is set and there are SOOOO many exciting things ahead of me. I may have liked the idea of him being a part of it. He may have fit more easily than anyone else I’ve had interest in for a very long time. But whether or not he is part of the picture, my picture is still vibrant and very much alive. Nothing about my plans for myself have changed. Nothing about my education, my friends, my family have changed.
I may miss the companionship for a while, but I would rather be alone than be around someone who is only with me out of pity. I know there are many people who genuinely enjoy my company, who unconditionally love me for everything that I am, was and want to be.
So I am going back to CoDA today. I’m going to go to church tomorrow and see if I feel comfortable with a new congregation. I’m going to do this on my own because I need to do it, because its the direction I was headed in already, but being with him was holding me back. It wasn’t my fault. He never told me not to do it. But that lingering fear in my head put me on his schedule, at his will, and I wasn’t happy. So I’m filling my life with things that will make me happy.
I’m excited about starting at a new University in the fall. I’m beyond thrilled that theology classes are part of my degree program. I’m excited about the things that I can get involved in, the people that I’ll meet, the friends that I’ll make. The small class sizes excite me too. Already having a starting relationship with one of my advisers is amazing too. I may feel a little set back at the moment. I’m nervous about the summer, about the things I was originally motivated to do but now suddenly find myself anxious about. But time goes by quickly and before I know it, I’ll be back in class and devoted to finishing my degree.
I am giving up my future with him to God, to the Universe. If he is meant to be a part of my life, he will be in one form or another. But if he isn’t, my life will be grand, abundant and absolutely amazing even without him in it.