Capricious by Nature

Me in all my wonderful glory.

Goodbye February

I feel as though there is a change coming. It may just be the natural shift of seasons, the itching for spring to start. But I think its more than that. Obviously, I am going to make a tradition in my school soon, whether its next semester or the one after. Yet, I see things changing in the social dynamics all around me.

Still, it isn’t to a point that I can exactly explain. Small things are shifting here and there. It feels like I’ve taken in a slow deep breath and I’m waiting before I let it out. Those few seconds of breathlessness before the air rushes out of my lungs and the sudden emptiness comes as a relief. There is a bit of anxiety to it too, I suppose. The not knowing. The not having control. The accepting that everything will be good even without those.

And everything is good. I suppose that is why I haven’t written as much as I usually like to. My time is pretty well taken up by life, every intermingling part of my life that has me dancing through the days and weeks and now months. Summer is coming too quickly and nights like this, when I’ve chosen to stay in from the cold and rest, I wonder if I should be out experiencing more. But I’m happy to give myself rest. I asked for a lazy, relaxed week and I’ve had it so far.

I do feel a bit of a hang up as far as working the Law of Attraction. It is the same problem I’ve had since the beginning. I have a very difficult time defining things. Which..is odd in saying it. I don’t think being vague is such a bad thing. I want to be happy, I want to experience more happy things. If the universe is constantly working toward my good, shouldn’t it also be able to surprise me with things and experiences that make me happy? I suppose it has, but I feel as though I’m falling short by not putting terms to it as I’ve seen others do.

I am receptive to making the transition that will lead me to happier experiences. There are some things that feel as though they have outlived their uselfulness but I don’t feel the need or any sense of urgency in releasing them – despite their lack of purpose, they are also not hindering me. I think, perhaps, I would like to experience a new group type setting. Not necessarily the class type meetings of BOPA, but some regular happening with other women with shared interests. I’m not certain what and I wouldn’t know where to start looking. I’m feeling a  bit jaded toward the spiritual community in my area at the moment. So..I’m not really sure. But it would be nice to be among like minded people at least once a week, to share ideas and stories and enjoy each others company. That is something I can feel very good about calling into my experience.

For now, I’ll enjoy the rest of my lazy week. Perhaps I’ll have more answers in my dreams tonight.

Chapter 27

I suppose that title isn’t completely accurate, but I like running with that theme. I started this blog a year ago, a week before my birthday and titled my first post “Chapter 26″. Without realizing what I was doing, I was laying out an intent for my next year of life. I was still very lost at the time but I knew that I was on the right path and that good things would be happening. Sometimes it just takes that knowing to make it happen.

Over the last year so many things have changed in my life! I’ve had a number of romantic relationships begin and end as well as friendships. I lost a few friends, but gained new ones. My heart was broken. My grandfather passed away and my home life was turned upside down before it was given a chance to settle right side up. I met people, pure inspiration, people doing exactly what I want to do with my life. I set new goals. I experienced new things. I went new places. I feel stronger and more confident. I love myself. And, as I seemed most concerned about my spirituality a year ago, I can say that front has expanded tremendously as well. These are all things I gained during the 26th year of my life.

And now, I am 27.

I want to get into a good university. That is at the top of my list and the best part about it is that it is a vibration I can so easily claim. The potential is amazing and I get everything short of an excited high when I think about getting into the school of my dreams. It’s one of the very few times I’ve been able to feel want without associating it with a lack feeling.

I want to feel better physically. I don’t yet understand my own hangups yet. I want to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Surprisingly enough, I like the way I look most of the time. I’d just like to shave a little off the tummy. But other than that, I like my shape, I like my hips and my big butt. I just don’t like the way this extra weight makes me feel and how I feel so slowed down all of the time. I’d like this to be the year that I regain my physical energy and stamina.

Also, this is a difficult one for me to say without having a lack feeling, but I’ve said it before in a round about sort of way. I want this to be the year that I fall in love again. I wish the english language had better words! More words. There are so many levels of love. I can feel love for someone I’ve just met, more than just empathy. I feel love for my friends. I feel romantic love fairly quickly, more than just “lust” or adoration. But it has been a long while, possibly years, since I have felt a deep, passionate love for another person. I want to experience that this year. I want to share that experience with another, a mutual love that isn’t just about friendship or sex or common interests or sense of humor – but about everything all at once. I want to experience butterflies in my stomach and my heart skipping a beat when they call me, even after months of being romantic with one another. That..I would really like to experience that.

Beyond that…I trust completely that the Universe will bring amazing things into my life. I cannot even imagine everything that could possibly add joy to my experience. I would have never guessed I’d experience the things I have in this last year. I know that it will only get better and better and that I will be surrounded by love and joy in all aspects of my life. Happiness in abundance.

And so begins my 27th chapter…

Truth Does Not Require Validation

To everyone who has ever made me feel insecure, to all those I have run from to avoid argument and conflict, to all those that will never read my writings because of my own doubts – thank you.

I have struggled with social anxieties for as long as I can remember. Anyone who has never felt the sting of nervous inadequacy on such a deep level find it difficult to understand. I don’t fault anyone for this any more than my inability to understand what it is to suffer from aspergers or bipolar disorder. But the important thing here is that I am continuously learning to overcome.

Although I’ve come to manage my anxieties toward strangers and strange places very well, I have had a very hard time shaking the negativity surrounding many of the people in my life. When I am left to my own devices or around only close friends and certain family members, I am in complete bliss. But when faced with others, those I have had past issue with, those who have openly hurt and judged me, I stumble and feel like I’m falling flat on my face.

Last night I was able to attend BOPA after missing two weeks. It was nice, very intimate, only me and the instructor was there so much of the conversation was deeper than usual. Typically there is never a time for one on one conversations. And, although there is no one in the group I dislike, I prefer to not speak as much when in a group setting. This hasn’t been a bad thing, because I gain quite a bit just from listening, but sharing holds its own therapy and support.

We spoke about a number of topics and at one point religion came up. The point was made that the truth does not need defending, that those who are offended by others questions are only revealing their own doubt. I’ve thought about that before but only in relation to religious and spiritual beliefs. Today it dawned on me that it is true about myself in every way. When I allow others to make me feel bad, it is only revealing the fact that I do not believe in that part of myself.

I am ever a work in progress and hope to be all of my life. Perfection would only be plausible in a still world, which we are not part of..so I suppose, it is an ever lasting process to find the perfection of ever moment. But perfection is an uncomfortable word for most. It assigns a quantity more than a quality. I think I’d rather reach for the bliss in every moment.

So for everyone who has brought those feeling to the surface, I appreciate it. I can more clearly see those things that need healing because of this and I am that much closer to attaining my bliss. Experiencing bliss.

Mini-Mester Madness

I wanted to write an assessment on my experience with a “mini-mester” class (a full semester class crammed into a small break period between semesters) but that isn’t what I feel compelled to write. I will say, I’ve enjoyed the challenge. It provided me with a much needed distraction and proven once again that I have no limits when I align with my motivations. The class isn’t over yet, this weekend might be an agonizing crawl to the end, but the end is very near.

What I have noticed is that I am learning to manage my time better. There is room for improvement, but when I could procrastinate I did not. However, I have also been far more kind to myself than I usually would be. I allowed myself time to rest and relax guilt free. There are certain assignments that I could have completed more quickly, but I don’t regret taking time to myself. Whereas, previously I would have beaten myself up and felt miserable for not doing what I thought needed to be done that second. As you might imagine, I was never a happy person like that – constantly procrastinating and making myself feel worthless for doing it.

However, these last few weeks have been exhausting. I’ve felt mentally drained a number of times. I’ve put on weight, haven’t kept up my appearance the way I normally prefer to. I don’t enjoy the face I see in the mirror right now. She looks tired and more than a little apathetic. I’m looking forward to Tuesday. I’ve already set aside the time and money needed for a nice mini-spa. If nothing else, these wild eyebrows need a good taming before I return to the world.

I’ve struggled to maintain a healthy balance else where as well. Negativity keeps calling my attention. I’ve started avoiding the mirrors as much as possible because I don’t enjoy looking at myself right now. I also have a growing list of things that need to be addressed, things I’ve put off “until after the mini-mester”. I started to list them, but frankly the what isn’t as important as the how its making me feel, which isn’t very good right now. I’m clearly resisting the idea of these things and not allowing myself to see the potential good. Or simply trusting.

It takes so much effort to be unhappy. I force myself to focus in on one bad thing, just one little insignificant thing, ignoring everything around it. Thankfully this doesn’t happen often any more, but I’ve noticed it lately. The “list” I mentioned only consisted of four things. Four little things in a life with a million major things going on! It was that mentality that made me hate working for my father so much..well, in part. I wont address the other part here, but the story I most often told myself was that everyone in the office hated me. It’s true that I felt quite a bit of hostility there, but it wasn’t everyone. It was one or two individuals. I allowed them to write my story with their own insecurities and short comings, taking these things on as my own. In a way, I’m doing the same thing now with myself.

Thankfully, I’ve proven to myself time and again that I do not lead a stagnant existence. Yes, my priorities for the next few days are set. Yes, there are things to come that may seem unpleasant at first, but they’re only as unpleasant as I allow them to be. Going with the flow is so much easier than tangling myself up in knots, worried over trivial things. And with that said, I’m going to immerse myself in all the happy visualizations I can until my dreams turn to gold tonight.

Bare Bones Approach

I’m was blessed (or maybe cursed) with being both spiritual and skeptical. I love religion, which is a statement that has earned me many odd looks. I love the study of it, the belief systems, political structures, social implications that all go hand in hand with every religion from the largest to the smallest. It fascinates me. But at the same time, I don’t believe a word of any of it. I dive into each, searching for the reason, the social standard that these religious guidelines were birthed from. It’s just a hobby. I think becoming a theologian with an atheistic approach is a little rude.

That isn’t to say, however, that I am an atheist. I do have a set of beliefs that are continuously growing, supported by both my spiritual learnings and the scientific world. I like the fact that my spirituality is a living thing. It isn’t stagnant and bound by outdated ideas, even if I can appreciate the origins of such things. As I move through this life, as I grow as an individual, so do my beliefs. And, if I am proven to be wrong then I release those wrong thoughts and continue to move forward. I think this is key, accepting that a belief can be wrong, but most aren’t willing to do that because beliefs usually can’t be quantified.

And that is exactly why I like the Law of Attraction so much. It plays well with a number of other philosophies and is written into so many religions. It isn’t some cultish belief that you have to go all in on. You’re more than welcome to take it as far as Esther Hicks, use it to explain every aspect of the physical and spiritual world. Or not. Even from an entirely skeptical point of view, it is a good thing. If all it is, is a placebo effect that allows you to be happy with your otherwise shitty life, its still making you feel better than maintaining nihilistic point of view. And that’s the point, really. Law of Attraction is a means to feel better. I have yet to meet anyone who actually wants to feel bad, even if they’re the ones making themselves miserable.

I’m glad I have this tool on my belt now. I expect it’ll come in handy once I start my practice in the years to come. I have a goal of relating this information in a way that even the most skeptical can understand. Despite my deeply spiritual ties to the subject, I’d like to strip it down to the bare essentials so that even those who are spiritual dormant can benefit from the Law of Attraction. I’m sure this has been done more, I’m not looking to reinvent the wheel, but I know to follow my inspiration now and that is what has called to me the strongest for months now.

As the leader of my BOPA group said recently, she loves seeing ripples of happiness. I do too. I’m excited to see other people benefiting from this knowledge.

Raising my vibration with Ho’oponopono

I came across Ho’oponopono a while back after my grandmothers death. I was having a difficult time coping with my grief and anxiety and wound up in the hospital with stress induced bronchitis. At that point in time, the only way I could sleep at night was either with the use of medication or by listening to guided meditations. I don’t particularly like medication, so I turned to the mentally soothing meditations instead.

But, I could only listen to the same meditation so many times before it no longer helped. One night I decided to google stress relieving meditations. I can’t recall the site now, but I found one with a number of meditations focused on the chakras and one that was related to releasing anger toward divorced parents. There were a mixture of things in this meditation, but the basis was Ho’oponopono.

Ho’oponopono, as I understand it, is a method of healing. It allows you to heal all aspects of your experience by turning your attention inward in a loving way. There is a pretty popular story about a therapist named Dr. Hew Len who cured an entire criminal psychiatric ward in Hawaii using this philosophy. The most common matra or meditation associated with this is “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.”

Although I haven’t delved into the practice further, I have often used this idea in my own meditation and fairly often in my everyday life. I used to curse like a sailor when driving. I live in a huge city, massive amounts of traffic and I always seemed to be surrounded by idiot drivers. I stopped myself from doing that some time ago, from recognizing bad driving but instead projecting love at other drivers and acknowledging that they’re in the same situation that I am. I don’t have nearly as many problems on the roads these days. I can’t remember the last time I was cut off or blocked from being able to change lanes on the freeway (which is such a common thing here that my mother refuses to use her blinker because it makes most drivers speed up and get in the way).

Aside from its practical applications, it dawned on me tonight just how wonderful this little mantra is at raising ones vibration. Tonight, I’ve found it a little difficult to sleep. I’m focusing too much on contrast that is occurring in my life and worrying about things that I need to finish soon. I stopped and apologized to myself. I started the mantra, beginning at “I’m sorry” and cycling it through, repeating each line three times so that I could actually feel the words I was saying.

I’m sorry. This is a powerful statement. In two words you’re taking responsibility. This isn’t about blame. It isn’t about placating anyone. It is in one fell swoop acknowledging that you are responsible for your current situation, but that you’re also sincerely apologetic for not doing so sooner. When truly felt, this is a sobering statement. It is easily placed on the lower end of the vibrational spectrum, but the intent to raise higher is clear.

Please forgive me. Saying “I’m sorry” takes strength, but asking for forgiveness is something else entirely. Although in our society, saying sorry is a way to indirectly ask for forgiveness, it isn’t clear. Indirect sums it up completely. “Please forgive me” is such a vulnerable state. But here, you are asking yourself for forgiveness. You are laying it all out on the table, accepting responsibility and leaving yourself open to yourself. In this act, you release the lingering shame often associated with saying “I’m sorry.” You move slightly higher up the vibrational ladder.

Thank you. Instant relief. At this point you should be rocketing off. Did you receive an answer? Probably not directly, unless you thought yes or no to yourself to the previous statement, but by saying thank you the mind can only assume that it is a yes. Thank you for understanding, thank you for being accepting, thank you for caring. We are thankful for the good. Thank you, I feel so much better.

I love you. A place of bliss. Some may be able to start here, but I can’t just yet. But by the time I reach this, by the time I’ve apologized, forgiven and shown gratitude, I am in a state that I can feel the joy of love. It is an elevated love that reassures me it would be there whether or not I had sought out forgiveness.

The mantra doesn’t end there, for me. I’m sorry, please forgive me, Thank you, I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you. And on and on until my mind it at peace, and often times after simply because I enjoy the feeling these words carry. I enjoy the conversation that I feel myself carrying out. In the first set I am pleading with myself, in the second I am apologizing for feeling the need to apologize, by the third it is becoming a bit redundant but in that high school romance sort of way until it feels like giggles saying “I love you more” “no, I love you more!” “uh-uh, I love you more!!”

For me, that level of adolescent playfulness is exactly where my bliss hides. This is one of the highest vibrations that I can achieve, although, unfortunately, it isn’t something I fall into often or easily. But having such a simple tool to lead me there helps.

Unconditional

Where do we know this from? This idealistic thing that is unconditional? It should be how a parent loves their child, how God loves his children. Those are the only examples I knew growing up. But I knew that it wasn’t true, that my behavior determined how my parents treated me. And God? I’ll refrain from going there again, but I will say I wasn’t overly satisfied with that idea either.

It’s difficult to fathom the idea of unconditional love. Every relationship is built upon conditions. Familial love is gained through mutual care, respect and obligation (albeit, that isn’t exactly love). Friendships grow to a platonic love as each person finds qualities in the other that they admire. Romantic love is a stronger form of that, sprouting from some mutual source of agreement and strengthening as more is noticed. The people in our lives are all part of some condition or another, regardless of how we feel toward them.

Feeling anything unconditionally toward another being is a bit of a saintly goal. Most of us have our moments of empathy where we can look at another and feel deeply, even a stranger, especially for children or those perceived to be less fortunate. But it is a fleeting sensation that only serves to remind us of the connection we all share.

The LoA would suggest that Source, the Universe, or whatever else you’d like to call it, unconditionally pushes for our greatest happiness. For once, this isn’t something I want to dwell on for very long either. However, it does seem to be a painfully simple answer to most of life’s stresses. What if you were to live unconditionally?

Just the thought makes my mind cry out in protest. Am I an anarchist now?! People can’t just go about doing whatever they want when ever they want to whom ever they want! That is true. But, take into consideration the motives behind your actions. What conditions drive you? Most people would not act to harm others if they did not have some underlying condition. Mental illness being the exception I will permit here, as I’ve yet to reconcile certain incurable mental diseases and their place in this world – a reflection I am saving for later in my education.

So then, what do I mean by living unconditionally? I suppose this could be a bad thing as well if it is not further defined. At the very basis of everything, we want only to be happy in our lives. Add any other word you choose, but I can just about bet you they are conditions you have designated as a stipulation to being happy. But you’re welcome to replace happy with any of its synonyms.

If you could be unconditionally happy, not only would those conditions you currently crave flow more easily into your life, but they would no longer seem as vital. This should be a relate-able theme. How often have you heard that you can’t truly love another (or be loved) if you don’t first love yourself? This is true for every aspect of your life. It starts with you and your attitude toward yourself. The closer you are able to move toward that unconditional feeling of joy, the more satisfied you will be and the more motivated toward creating the existence you desire.

Easier said than done, isn’t it? But it isn’t impossible, even for those who don’t want to live like a monk. Take it slowly and celebrate every small step you take. You’ll find yourself miles ahead before you know it.

Tithing: An Act of Abundance

Before I begin delving into the matters of abundance, I would first like to release the contrast that lead me to this exploration. Many are turned away from Christianity due to perceived corruption and wrong doing and use these things to bolster harsh feelings against those of that religion – unfairly labeling the faithful as fools who are being duped and the leaders as charlatans. Of course, this has happened, money and power has been abused, but it is not our place to judge those who mar their karma by abusing the kindness of others and it is especially not our place to look down on or pity those who have shared of their own will.

With that said, what is tithing? I grew up in a Baptist church, tithing wasn’t often discussed but it was practiced. I can recall the excitement when my mother or grandmother would give me a handful of spare change from the bottom of their purse so I could toss it into the offering plate as it came around. I knew what I could have done with that money, the candy or snacks I could have gotten at the convenient store. But I felt good when I head those coins hit the metal of the offering plate. I didn’t know what it was for, I supposed it helped the homeless or something else that was a good cause. It didn’t really matter in the end, because it made me feel good. It made me feel rich to be able to give money for something good.

But then we grow up. Money becomes a source of stress and every penny counts when you’re from a lower middle class home. Giving that handful of change doesn’t feel good any more, the question of who is getting the money becomes more important. And then the news floods with rich men asking for donations, reminding of the importance of tithing in the name of God, while they live in their mini-mansions and drive their fancy cars. It is easy to forget the reason for tithing because our experiences teach us to live in lack and fear letting go of what we assume we need the most – money.

That doesn’t answer the question though, does it? Is tithing giving money away? Is it a childlike, or even misguided, good feeling? Tithing is the modern accepted form of sacrifice to god or the gods. Every culture has held the notion that by freely giving the most valuable things, good things will be given in return. The first tithings in the bible were not of money, but of crops and herd animals, which were far more valuable. Other cultures made sacrifices of foods, precious metals and so on. And of course, some cultures offered human lives, believing life blood to be the most valuable thing that would bring about change.

This does make a strong statement about our modern culture; that money has become our most valuable object in the so called civilized world. But the fact remains that tithing is a form of sacrifice to the end of receiving something in return. Yet, most these days find it offensive to think that you can buy Gods favor. So why tithe at all? If you aren’t buying Gods love or buying some favor, why give money in his name?

Tithing is meant to come from that child who was excited to give money freely without concern, trusting that it would be used for good and feeling rich in the process. It is that feeling of charity, the abundance of being able to share with others regardless of your own perceived limitations. It seems to be a theme as every culture evolves that eventually fear overpowers the original source meaning of the cultural beliefs. Fear has tainted the idea of tithing.

Am I suggesting you go out and give money to the next church or televangelist you see? Not at all. But be open to sharing your wealth and take joy in the act. By giving we feel abundant and we are what we feel.

Attachment

I wasn’t drawn into the Law of Attraction the same way most people are these days. I didn’t see the movie “The Secret” until I had a good six months of research and practice in play. My introduction is easily attributed to the LoA on its own, but that isn’t what is important here. I jumped straight into the Esther Hicks teachings with no back ground in the subject. It was extremely confusing at first. I understood the general ideas of what the class I attend was doing, but not why or how it was supposed to work. The group doesn’t focus a great deal on theory, nor does it teach how to practice outside of following the guidelines of one of Esther Hick’s books. Needless to say, I’ve done a good deal of research on my own. There is so much information out there!

At this point, I’m clearly manifesting. My life has changed in so many ways. I am happy for the first time…ever? But it isn’t perfect. I still feel twinges of lack thoughts. I have difficulties manifesting certain things because of this. And this is exactly where I find myself confused and torn between different ideas that have been presented to me.

I’m very familiar with the steps. Some list three, others four, but either way knowing your desire and coming into align with it are key. I’ve been told to trust that it will happen. To visualize, to believe that I have what I want. To know it is here. But I find this very difficult at times, especially when there is a feeling of urgency toward the desire. Visualizing only brings lack thoughts. Telling myself to trust brings even more lack thoughts. So I identify what I want…but I fall out of alignment before it is able to manifest because I find the strategies difficult on certain subjects.

And for those subjects that it isn’t difficult? Funny enough, I don’t NEED to use these strategies for those things. Perhaps this is where trusting actually comes in. When what I desire is of little importance, it is not immediate or funny, or simply not something I am worried about, I know what I want and I release the thought. I don’t think about it any more and suddenly its there.

I feel myself reflecting on the Buddhist principle that all negative emotions stem from attachment. That to reach the highest spiritual elevation, one must not hold feelings of attachment to objects or other people. I’ve marveled at this idea for over a decade, deciding that it is truly profound but that it seems to go against human nature. However, now that I am delving further into the Law of Attraction and realizing just how wonderful it feels, perhaps what I previously considered human nature isn’t correct at all? And by letting go of attachment, we aren’t forced to live the Buddhist monk lifestyle (which is what I always envisioned with the idea of non-attachment). But by freeing ourselves of concern, we are in fact allowing the universe to bring to us everything which we desire.

Along with recognizing my desires, my contrast, my base resistance…I am now liking the idea of identifying my attachment. Currently, I’m of the mind that not all attachments are bad. For example, I have years of education ahead of me before I will complete the degree I desire. There are simpler paths that could provide me with the financial situation that I want much more quickly, but I love the notion of earning my degree. I love the recognition from others that I am documented as being highly knowledgeable in my field. I also like the number of opportunities that come with the degree, I like options so that if I decide I don’t want to take patients, then instead I could become a teacher, or something else entirely. Because of all these things I like, I am holding attachment to the fact that I need to complete my education before obtaining the career that I love. And in that instance, I am okay with my attachment.

However, it is my attachment to the cost of tuition, debt, and so on that brings my vibration down. I hold no doubt that I will finish my education. These are a few of the things that I am losing attachment to. I am welcoming wealth into my life, wealth that comes easily and effortlessly so that I can give my full focus to my education.

Which, I must admit that this is something that I began allowing for myself over the past few weeks. I could not bring myself to ‘ask’ for money. I held so many attachments to money. My father taught me that I had to earn it. My mother taught me that it was shameful to ask for it. I felt uncomfortable asking the universe for money. As long as my basic needs are met, why should I ask? But that isn’t it at all. I’m not asking for money and I don’t have to work hard to get it either. I deserve more than food and shelter, I deserve everything that could ever possibly make me happy!

The moment I realized that, I was informed of a way that I could begin being paid for taking care of my grandmother, which I’ve done without compensation for the last 9 months. A quick google search, and now everything is in line to make it happen. Starting next month, I will be paid for doing EXACTLY what I’ve done for months, which is an amazing feeling. I don’t feel burdened by assisting my grandmother, it does not interfere with my education, and although I wont become wealthy from this, more than my basic needs will be met.

Just letting go of my attachment to money a tiny bit allowed this to happen. My life is getting better and better every day! Now I just need to let myself release the rest of my attachments and let the universe give me everything I want.

Hate doesn’t make you Strong

For much of my life, I relied on anger to mask my fears. I used it when I was too terrified to move. It gave me that push I needed to take every step because I was terrified of letting go. I’ve come a long way since then and from time to time I can still harness that forceful emotion (usually in the most unlikely of ways: cleaning) but I recognize this and I no longer direct it toward others or myself.

But anger isn’t hate. Anger is misunderstanding, it is bubbling frustration, it is not accepting ones actions or releasing the actions of others. Anger is a flare that cools back to rationality. Hate is something I don’t understand. I see others use hate the same way that I once used anger. Of course anger and hate tie together easily. That strong of an emotion, feeling that passionate is bound to rile up a good fire. But I’m still baffled at it’s source.

I don’t understand why this is a repeating theme around me lately. I feel like there is some message I’m just not hearing. I see this hate in other people and it frustrates me. Many of my classmates who are minorities speak out loudly, they are proud of their racism toward any person from the middle east. Many of my family members boast of their hatred toward homosexuals and Muslims. And people I see as peers on my spiritual journey..they astonish me by belittling every aspect of certain organized religions and those who are devout.

It shouldn’t, but it does hurt me. Or maybe it should? Maybe it should hurt everyone a little bit when these things are done or said. It makes me weary. We study history for a reason, don’t we? Time and time again our ancestors have proven where hatred takes us. It divides.

I don’t hold onto illusions that there will ever be world peace, not in my life time at least, but as our knowledge grows and expands and becomes global…how can we still be plagued by so much hate? It’s a clear sign of ignorance. It also has me questioning the value of certain people in my life and what they have to teach me.

I’m disappointed but also hopeful, I’ve gained wonderful lessons from far worse situations than this. I simply can’t ignore the reoccurring theme, it feels like its beating me over the head and I don’t know why.

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