Capricious by Nature

Me in all my wonderful glory.

Returning to Confidence

It would be nice if I didn’t need to have bad relationships. I’ve observed this from many angles since last night. Part of me is shocked. I convinced myself this wasn’t possible, that we were happy, that we communicated well, that everything was just fine. I convinced myself the relationship was good and healthy and I finally was treating myself right. But that simply wasn’t true. Despite all of my effort going into being happy, and don’t get me wrong, I was very happy at times, I wasn’t honoring myself.

I watched the Joy Luck Club a couple of months ago and one of the stories resonated with me and has kept coming back to mind for months. The woman who married the man of her dreams but changed everything about herself and lost him in the process. I kept seeing myself living that over the past months, changing myself based on what I perceived to be his needs, losing myself in the process. But I could never reclaim myself. Partly because I didn’t know how to, partly because I was afraid that I was wrong in that respect, but right about everything being perfectly fine.

And then he tells me. He loves everything about me, but he isn’t happy. There isn’t a single thing about me that makes him happy. My personality, my body, they disgust him and he hates himself for feeling that way. And even with all the hurtful things he said, I am still here, waiting to see him tomorrow, hoping that we can work things out. And I keep asking myself why?

But for this moment, I’m going to let go of that. Tomorrow isn’t my concern right now. My concern is the fact that I seem to need these painful relationships to motivate me into bettering myself. There is nothing like being told that I can’t to motivate me. Nothing like being called worthless to make me want to rebel, to make me want to prove them wrong. In a way, I’m thankful that this is my reaction rather than collapsing in on myself, but I shouldn’t need the pain and rejection in order to propel myself toward these things.

I am healing. I recognize the things I am doing differently. I’ve felt more pain from lesser problems but I think the difference is that this time I am acknowledging the pain and attempting to allow myself to feel it and move through it. Previously, I did everything I could to numb it, to ignore it, to devalue my own feelings. The relationship was too short, I shouldn’t be this hurt, he wasn’t worth my time, feeling this way gives him more power. But it doesn’t matter if the relationship was weeks or months or years. I feel the pain of rejection. I feel the pain of his hurtful words. I don’t accept them as my truth, but knowing this is how I am being seen is painful. I am embracing the pain of plans that will never happen now, of money spent that I want to regret, of everything I invested in a relationship that didn’t last.

And I know I’ll be alright. I know my life is going to go on and be amazing. I know my path is set and there are SOOOO many exciting things ahead of me. I may have liked the idea of him being a part of it. He may have fit more easily than anyone else I’ve had interest in for a very long time. But whether or not he is part of the picture, my picture is still vibrant and very much alive. Nothing about my plans for myself have changed. Nothing about my education, my friends, my family have changed.

I may miss the companionship for a while, but I would rather be alone than be around someone who is only with me out of pity. I know there are many people who genuinely enjoy my company, who unconditionally love me for everything that I am, was and want to be.

So I am going back to CoDA today. I’m going to go to church tomorrow and see if I feel comfortable with a new congregation. I’m going to do this on my own because I need to do it, because its the direction I was headed in already, but being with him was holding me back. It wasn’t my fault. He never told me not to do it. But that lingering fear in my head put me on his schedule, at his will, and I wasn’t happy. So I’m filling my life with things that will make me happy.

I’m excited about starting at a new University in the fall. I’m beyond thrilled that theology classes are part of my degree program. I’m excited about the things that I can get involved in, the people that I’ll meet, the friends that I’ll make. The small class sizes excite me too. Already having a starting relationship with one of my advisers is amazing too. I may feel a little set back at the moment. I’m nervous about the summer, about the things I was originally motivated to do but now suddenly find myself anxious about. But time goes by quickly and before I know it, I’ll be back in class and devoted to finishing my degree.

I am giving up my future with him to God, to the Universe. If he is meant to be a part of my life, he will be in one form or another. But if he isn’t, my life will be grand, abundant and absolutely amazing even without him in it.

Summer Blues

I’m a little sad right now. I’ve been somewhat emotionally unstable for a bit. I’m trying to address those things I’ve spent years ignoring. Too many pains, too many memories. I feel blessed that John is tolerating me through this, unfortunately hes been around a couple of times when I’ve been struck hard by a memory or unexplained feeling.

I’m not sure why I’m sad but I know where my mind keeps drifting. I still seem to be hung up on unrealistic expectations, especially in my relationship. I’m glad John is being patient with me. He isn’t completely in the right but I most certainly know that I’m not.

I’ve always given so much of myself. I consider everyone else before I come into the picture. When I’m out, I buy things that remind me of other people to give to them later, if I have spare money to spend 9 times out of 10 it goes to someone else. Then later I feel the lack of things I wish I had but can’t afford and get upset that no one else buys things for me. But it isn’t their job to spend their money on me. They’ve earned their money just like I’ve earned mine and if theres something I want, I should get it for myself before buying something for someone else. But I can always do that, I can always justify spending more money than I should because its for someone else…but I’m not worth it, I shouldn’t spend the money on me, I don’t really need that, what would I do with it anyway?

I’m not completely wrong in what I do. I sincerely enjoy giving things to others. Most of the time, I enjoy sharing what I can. I enjoy the experience. I enjoy their happiness. I like them to know that they are being thought of and loved. But there is a line that I always seem to cross and then I become bitter about it. They didn’t ask for me to spend so much money. They didn’t expect any of it. They didn’t ask or demand or anything. They wouldn’t care if I hadn’t.

I see that happening with John. He enjoys spending money on himself. He rarely thinks about others. Part of me wants to call him selfish, but he really isn’t. He doesn’t have many responsibilities right now and he wants to enjoy the freedom he has while it lasts. I can’t fault him that. Hell, I could be managing my money a hell of alot better right now too, so I’m in no position to judge him. But I’ve spent money on him that I feel like isn’t being reciprocated. We’ve talked about it and honestly, hes right. But theres something inside of me stomping her feet and pouting that it isn’t fair. That he must not love me because he doesn’t do this or doesn’t do that. But thats just stupid, he just shows his love in other ways and until money comes into the picture I’m absolutely happy with him.

But it isn’t that. I’ve been working on healing my inner child lately and I know shes still terrified. I know she grabs the best distractions she cans and pulls them over her head like a blanket so I can’t see whats really going on. It usually works. I get that sick anxious feeling because shes scared, but then I see this superficial problem that ultimately is meaningless..but it distracts me from the real reason shes scared.

I don’t know what it is right now. I don’t need to know. All I need to do is make her feel safe. I can just work through what shes hiding behind and either she’ll be alright or I’ll get to the root of the problem.

Spending -my- money on myself isn’t being selfish. Giving gifts isn’t bad, but only if it isn’t keeping me from something I want or isn’t with the expectation of getting something in return. I am worthy of every penny that crosses my hands and is sitting in my bank account. I’m worth so much more than even that. Spending my money on others wont gain their affection and if it does, its not the kind of affection that I want or need. He loves me and doesn’t deserve me being a spaz. The universe has proven time and again that it will provide. There is no reason I shouldn’t be happy.

April

I’ve always loved the spring time. I dislike the cold, so when it starts getting warmer it just makes me happy. But things have shifted. Too many deaths. Too many lost dreams. I recall experiencing the same thing last year, this cycle of overwhelming emotions. I pride myself on having my anxiety under control but I’ve come to the realization that if I want to be in a romantic relationship, I need to address the problems I’ve been hiding from.

I mentioned the end of a relationship in my last writing, it was more of a pause. We had a week apart and couldn’t stand it. I wanted him back and he made the effort to pursue me even when I was hiding from myself. I made it a point that even with us back together as a couple, I needed to keep working on myself. Silly me, I got distracted by the renewed feelings and forgot all about the little demons waiting in the back of my mind.

I’m tired of feeling this anxiety in relationships. I feel like I could go down a list as to why I feel it. Abandonment, self love, control. But I also see that there are two far bigger contributors. Prominently, I seem to have the bad habit of deflecting negative emotions. I’m scared about something important, so I focus that fear else where that is less important. As much as I do want this relationship to become something lasting and meaningful, at this point losing the relationship has far less of a lasting impact than failing a class or dropping out of school. So the stress is redirected instead of being dealt with in a healthy way. Beyond that, I’m having a looking-glass-self problem. I see everything I dislike about myself when he looks at me. I’m too fat, I’m too boring, I’m too weird, I’m too…but it doesn’t come across this way. It comes across in those painful little whispered thoughts “hes going to get bored of you”, “he doesn’t really find you attractive”, “you’re creeping him out, stop it!”.

I don’t have a solution yet but for the first time in my life I’m not running from it. I’ve had more “bad days” in the last two weeks than I have in the last year, but it feels like they were already there just waiting to happen. I pulled off the bandaid just to find that my wounds infected again. But instead of just putting on another bandaid, I’m trying to clean it.

I’m very tired. Emotionally, physically and spiritually. But I have hope.

Self Love

I’ve found myself at another precipice. But thankfully, as I stare ahead, desperately trying to understand how to cross this gap, it isn’t an unfamiliar feeling. I am teaching myself unconditional love. I am learning to surrender my expectations, self-judgments and internal victimization. But I really don’t know how to do it.

I read. I see these vague instructions that all boil down to “just do it!” and part of me feels helpless. How can I just do it if I don’t know how? I can’t recall a single time that I’ve experienced unconditional love for myself or from another person. Of course my parents claim to love me regardless of what I do, but their approval and affection is most certainly conditional. I’ve learned that same pattern, I can only be happy with myself when I’m accomplishing the things I feel I should, which are usually designed for me by outside expectations.

So I sit here analyzing what I’m doing wrong. I’ve had another romantic relationship end and in doing so, a number of unhealed beliefs were revealed. I’m glad to say that I have been immediately thankful for every part of that relationship as it happened, even as painful as the ending was. I see my progress, my learning, and I am allowing myself to feel and have gratitude even for the pain.

But I feel that it comes back to the same thing every time. I was completely honest with myself, brutally to the point of making myself uncomfortable. I knew that if I were more confident, I would have never considered going out with him. If I felt comfortable in my body, I would be worth someone who I perceive as more valuable. If I were beautiful, I would have the relationship I feel I deserve. And that belief right there is exactly why I’ve been unable to have the relationship that I want. Not only am I not honoring this person who has come into my life, but I am belittling myself in the process.

If I accept and surrender I would find happiness within. I truly believe that. But I’m at a loss. I can’t find that switch to flip that lets me just be ok, that lets me fly that white flag and melt into bliss. But thankfully, before I could distress myself over this too much I remembered…when I started this journey I didn’t even have conditional love for myself.

How many things had I read about loving myself years ago? How many times did I get headaches trying to understand how anyone could look in the mirror and like what they saw? And I’m in the same position. It clearly didn’t happen overnight. I didn’t wake up one morning, see myself and think “Hey, you’re really not that bad.” But I honestly couldn’t tell you how I did it. The simple fact that I can smile at myself in the mirror now, or wear dresses, or go out in public by myself…these were things I could have never imagined doing five years ago without being completely emotionally drained.

So my self-love is currently based on expectations, mainly focused around my school work. I’m smiling now because I realized I started working on this before it was a conscious thought. My expectations were so strict that even less than perfect grades on menial assignments could ruin my week. Making a B on an exam? Caused more than a little self-hate. But over the last month or so I’ve allowed myself to be happy as long as I make passing grades. I remind myself my grade is a direct reflection of the effort I put in and if I didn’t put in proper effort, it can’t be changed.

Perhaps that is the same logic I need to apply to other parts of my life, especially when it comes to my weight. It seems like two very different things but in reality it isn’t. I have choices when it comes to school; do I study or go to the movies? Well, it depends on whether or not I have an exam and if I want to make a good grade. Well, do I want to feed my body something it will like or stuff it full of grease and fat that will make me feel numb? That depends too, do I want to feel physically good or do I want to feel numb? Whatever my choice is, it is my choice and I need to own and love it regardless.

I want to feel better, emotionally and physically. I realize that by stating that, I’m acknowledging I’m currently not there. So many things say not to do this, to be present and happy in the present. But right now, I’m aware of my feelings of discomfort, my uneasiness toward change and that part of me that wants to hold onto so much pain and keep it hidden.

I’ll figure this out and for right now that’s enough.

Goodbye February

I feel as though there is a change coming. It may just be the natural shift of seasons, the itching for spring to start. But I think its more than that. Obviously, I am going to make a tradition in my school soon, whether its next semester or the one after. Yet, I see things changing in the social dynamics all around me.

Still, it isn’t to a point that I can exactly explain. Small things are shifting here and there. It feels like I’ve taken in a slow deep breath and I’m waiting before I let it out. Those few seconds of breathlessness before the air rushes out of my lungs and the sudden emptiness comes as a relief. There is a bit of anxiety to it too, I suppose. The not knowing. The not having control. The accepting that everything will be good even without those.

And everything is good. I suppose that is why I haven’t written as much as I usually like to. My time is pretty well taken up by life, every intermingling part of my life that has me dancing through the days and weeks and now months. Summer is coming too quickly and nights like this, when I’ve chosen to stay in from the cold and rest, I wonder if I should be out experiencing more. But I’m happy to give myself rest. I asked for a lazy, relaxed week and I’ve had it so far.

I do feel a bit of a hang up as far as working the Law of Attraction. It is the same problem I’ve had since the beginning. I have a very difficult time defining things. Which..is odd in saying it. I don’t think being vague is such a bad thing. I want to be happy, I want to experience more happy things. If the universe is constantly working toward my good, shouldn’t it also be able to surprise me with things and experiences that make me happy? I suppose it has, but I feel as though I’m falling short by not putting terms to it as I’ve seen others do.

I am receptive to making the transition that will lead me to happier experiences. There are some things that feel as though they have outlived their uselfulness but I don’t feel the need or any sense of urgency in releasing them – despite their lack of purpose, they are also not hindering me. I think, perhaps, I would like to experience a new group type setting. Not necessarily the class type meetings of BOPA, but some regular happening with other women with shared interests. I’m not certain what and I wouldn’t know where to start looking. I’m feeling a  bit jaded toward the spiritual community in my area at the moment. So..I’m not really sure. But it would be nice to be among like minded people at least once a week, to share ideas and stories and enjoy each others company. That is something I can feel very good about calling into my experience.

For now, I’ll enjoy the rest of my lazy week. Perhaps I’ll have more answers in my dreams tonight.

Chapter 27

I suppose that title isn’t completely accurate, but I like running with that theme. I started this blog a year ago, a week before my birthday and titled my first post “Chapter 26″. Without realizing what I was doing, I was laying out an intent for my next year of life. I was still very lost at the time but I knew that I was on the right path and that good things would be happening. Sometimes it just takes that knowing to make it happen.

Over the last year so many things have changed in my life! I’ve had a number of romantic relationships begin and end as well as friendships. I lost a few friends, but gained new ones. My heart was broken. My grandfather passed away and my home life was turned upside down before it was given a chance to settle right side up. I met people, pure inspiration, people doing exactly what I want to do with my life. I set new goals. I experienced new things. I went new places. I feel stronger and more confident. I love myself. And, as I seemed most concerned about my spirituality a year ago, I can say that front has expanded tremendously as well. These are all things I gained during the 26th year of my life.

And now, I am 27.

I want to get into a good university. That is at the top of my list and the best part about it is that it is a vibration I can so easily claim. The potential is amazing and I get everything short of an excited high when I think about getting into the school of my dreams. It’s one of the very few times I’ve been able to feel want without associating it with a lack feeling.

I want to feel better physically. I don’t yet understand my own hangups yet. I want to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Surprisingly enough, I like the way I look most of the time. I’d just like to shave a little off the tummy. But other than that, I like my shape, I like my hips and my big butt. I just don’t like the way this extra weight makes me feel and how I feel so slowed down all of the time. I’d like this to be the year that I regain my physical energy and stamina.

Also, this is a difficult one for me to say without having a lack feeling, but I’ve said it before in a round about sort of way. I want this to be the year that I fall in love again. I wish the english language had better words! More words. There are so many levels of love. I can feel love for someone I’ve just met, more than just empathy. I feel love for my friends. I feel romantic love fairly quickly, more than just “lust” or adoration. But it has been a long while, possibly years, since I have felt a deep, passionate love for another person. I want to experience that this year. I want to share that experience with another, a mutual love that isn’t just about friendship or sex or common interests or sense of humor – but about everything all at once. I want to experience butterflies in my stomach and my heart skipping a beat when they call me, even after months of being romantic with one another. That..I would really like to experience that.

Beyond that…I trust completely that the Universe will bring amazing things into my life. I cannot even imagine everything that could possibly add joy to my experience. I would have never guessed I’d experience the things I have in this last year. I know that it will only get better and better and that I will be surrounded by love and joy in all aspects of my life. Happiness in abundance.

And so begins my 27th chapter…

Truth Does Not Require Validation

To everyone who has ever made me feel insecure, to all those I have run from to avoid argument and conflict, to all those that will never read my writings because of my own doubts – thank you.

I have struggled with social anxieties for as long as I can remember. Anyone who has never felt the sting of nervous inadequacy on such a deep level find it difficult to understand. I don’t fault anyone for this any more than my inability to understand what it is to suffer from aspergers or bipolar disorder. But the important thing here is that I am continuously learning to overcome.

Although I’ve come to manage my anxieties toward strangers and strange places very well, I have had a very hard time shaking the negativity surrounding many of the people in my life. When I am left to my own devices or around only close friends and certain family members, I am in complete bliss. But when faced with others, those I have had past issue with, those who have openly hurt and judged me, I stumble and feel like I’m falling flat on my face.

Last night I was able to attend BOPA after missing two weeks. It was nice, very intimate, only me and the instructor was there so much of the conversation was deeper than usual. Typically there is never a time for one on one conversations. And, although there is no one in the group I dislike, I prefer to not speak as much when in a group setting. This hasn’t been a bad thing, because I gain quite a bit just from listening, but sharing holds its own therapy and support.

We spoke about a number of topics and at one point religion came up. The point was made that the truth does not need defending, that those who are offended by others questions are only revealing their own doubt. I’ve thought about that before but only in relation to religious and spiritual beliefs. Today it dawned on me that it is true about myself in every way. When I allow others to make me feel bad, it is only revealing the fact that I do not believe in that part of myself.

I am ever a work in progress and hope to be all of my life. Perfection would only be plausible in a still world, which we are not part of..so I suppose, it is an ever lasting process to find the perfection of ever moment. But perfection is an uncomfortable word for most. It assigns a quantity more than a quality. I think I’d rather reach for the bliss in every moment.

So for everyone who has brought those feeling to the surface, I appreciate it. I can more clearly see those things that need healing because of this and I am that much closer to attaining my bliss. Experiencing bliss.

Mini-Mester Madness

I wanted to write an assessment on my experience with a “mini-mester” class (a full semester class crammed into a small break period between semesters) but that isn’t what I feel compelled to write. I will say, I’ve enjoyed the challenge. It provided me with a much needed distraction and proven once again that I have no limits when I align with my motivations. The class isn’t over yet, this weekend might be an agonizing crawl to the end, but the end is very near.

What I have noticed is that I am learning to manage my time better. There is room for improvement, but when I could procrastinate I did not. However, I have also been far more kind to myself than I usually would be. I allowed myself time to rest and relax guilt free. There are certain assignments that I could have completed more quickly, but I don’t regret taking time to myself. Whereas, previously I would have beaten myself up and felt miserable for not doing what I thought needed to be done that second. As you might imagine, I was never a happy person like that – constantly procrastinating and making myself feel worthless for doing it.

However, these last few weeks have been exhausting. I’ve felt mentally drained a number of times. I’ve put on weight, haven’t kept up my appearance the way I normally prefer to. I don’t enjoy the face I see in the mirror right now. She looks tired and more than a little apathetic. I’m looking forward to Tuesday. I’ve already set aside the time and money needed for a nice mini-spa. If nothing else, these wild eyebrows need a good taming before I return to the world.

I’ve struggled to maintain a healthy balance else where as well. Negativity keeps calling my attention. I’ve started avoiding the mirrors as much as possible because I don’t enjoy looking at myself right now. I also have a growing list of things that need to be addressed, things I’ve put off “until after the mini-mester”. I started to list them, but frankly the what isn’t as important as the how its making me feel, which isn’t very good right now. I’m clearly resisting the idea of these things and not allowing myself to see the potential good. Or simply trusting.

It takes so much effort to be unhappy. I force myself to focus in on one bad thing, just one little insignificant thing, ignoring everything around it. Thankfully this doesn’t happen often any more, but I’ve noticed it lately. The “list” I mentioned only consisted of four things. Four little things in a life with a million major things going on! It was that mentality that made me hate working for my father so much..well, in part. I wont address the other part here, but the story I most often told myself was that everyone in the office hated me. It’s true that I felt quite a bit of hostility there, but it wasn’t everyone. It was one or two individuals. I allowed them to write my story with their own insecurities and short comings, taking these things on as my own. In a way, I’m doing the same thing now with myself.

Thankfully, I’ve proven to myself time and again that I do not lead a stagnant existence. Yes, my priorities for the next few days are set. Yes, there are things to come that may seem unpleasant at first, but they’re only as unpleasant as I allow them to be. Going with the flow is so much easier than tangling myself up in knots, worried over trivial things. And with that said, I’m going to immerse myself in all the happy visualizations I can until my dreams turn to gold tonight.

Bare Bones Approach

I’m was blessed (or maybe cursed) with being both spiritual and skeptical. I love religion, which is a statement that has earned me many odd looks. I love the study of it, the belief systems, political structures, social implications that all go hand in hand with every religion from the largest to the smallest. It fascinates me. But at the same time, I don’t believe a word of any of it. I dive into each, searching for the reason, the social standard that these religious guidelines were birthed from. It’s just a hobby. I think becoming a theologian with an atheistic approach is a little rude.

That isn’t to say, however, that I am an atheist. I do have a set of beliefs that are continuously growing, supported by both my spiritual learnings and the scientific world. I like the fact that my spirituality is a living thing. It isn’t stagnant and bound by outdated ideas, even if I can appreciate the origins of such things. As I move through this life, as I grow as an individual, so do my beliefs. And, if I am proven to be wrong then I release those wrong thoughts and continue to move forward. I think this is key, accepting that a belief can be wrong, but most aren’t willing to do that because beliefs usually can’t be quantified.

And that is exactly why I like the Law of Attraction so much. It plays well with a number of other philosophies and is written into so many religions. It isn’t some cultish belief that you have to go all in on. You’re more than welcome to take it as far as Esther Hicks, use it to explain every aspect of the physical and spiritual world. Or not. Even from an entirely skeptical point of view, it is a good thing. If all it is, is a placebo effect that allows you to be happy with your otherwise shitty life, its still making you feel better than maintaining nihilistic point of view. And that’s the point, really. Law of Attraction is a means to feel better. I have yet to meet anyone who actually wants to feel bad, even if they’re the ones making themselves miserable.

I’m glad I have this tool on my belt now. I expect it’ll come in handy once I start my practice in the years to come. I have a goal of relating this information in a way that even the most skeptical can understand. Despite my deeply spiritual ties to the subject, I’d like to strip it down to the bare essentials so that even those who are spiritual dormant can benefit from the Law of Attraction. I’m sure this has been done more, I’m not looking to reinvent the wheel, but I know to follow my inspiration now and that is what has called to me the strongest for months now.

As the leader of my BOPA group said recently, she loves seeing ripples of happiness. I do too. I’m excited to see other people benefiting from this knowledge.

Raising my vibration with Ho’oponopono

I came across Ho’oponopono a while back after my grandmothers death. I was having a difficult time coping with my grief and anxiety and wound up in the hospital with stress induced bronchitis. At that point in time, the only way I could sleep at night was either with the use of medication or by listening to guided meditations. I don’t particularly like medication, so I turned to the mentally soothing meditations instead.

But, I could only listen to the same meditation so many times before it no longer helped. One night I decided to google stress relieving meditations. I can’t recall the site now, but I found one with a number of meditations focused on the chakras and one that was related to releasing anger toward divorced parents. There were a mixture of things in this meditation, but the basis was Ho’oponopono.

Ho’oponopono, as I understand it, is a method of healing. It allows you to heal all aspects of your experience by turning your attention inward in a loving way. There is a pretty popular story about a therapist named Dr. Hew Len who cured an entire criminal psychiatric ward in Hawaii using this philosophy. The most common matra or meditation associated with this is “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.”

Although I haven’t delved into the practice further, I have often used this idea in my own meditation and fairly often in my everyday life. I used to curse like a sailor when driving. I live in a huge city, massive amounts of traffic and I always seemed to be surrounded by idiot drivers. I stopped myself from doing that some time ago, from recognizing bad driving but instead projecting love at other drivers and acknowledging that they’re in the same situation that I am. I don’t have nearly as many problems on the roads these days. I can’t remember the last time I was cut off or blocked from being able to change lanes on the freeway (which is such a common thing here that my mother refuses to use her blinker because it makes most drivers speed up and get in the way).

Aside from its practical applications, it dawned on me tonight just how wonderful this little mantra is at raising ones vibration. Tonight, I’ve found it a little difficult to sleep. I’m focusing too much on contrast that is occurring in my life and worrying about things that I need to finish soon. I stopped and apologized to myself. I started the mantra, beginning at “I’m sorry” and cycling it through, repeating each line three times so that I could actually feel the words I was saying.

I’m sorry. This is a powerful statement. In two words you’re taking responsibility. This isn’t about blame. It isn’t about placating anyone. It is in one fell swoop acknowledging that you are responsible for your current situation, but that you’re also sincerely apologetic for not doing so sooner. When truly felt, this is a sobering statement. It is easily placed on the lower end of the vibrational spectrum, but the intent to raise higher is clear.

Please forgive me. Saying “I’m sorry” takes strength, but asking for forgiveness is something else entirely. Although in our society, saying sorry is a way to indirectly ask for forgiveness, it isn’t clear. Indirect sums it up completely. “Please forgive me” is such a vulnerable state. But here, you are asking yourself for forgiveness. You are laying it all out on the table, accepting responsibility and leaving yourself open to yourself. In this act, you release the lingering shame often associated with saying “I’m sorry.” You move slightly higher up the vibrational ladder.

Thank you. Instant relief. At this point you should be rocketing off. Did you receive an answer? Probably not directly, unless you thought yes or no to yourself to the previous statement, but by saying thank you the mind can only assume that it is a yes. Thank you for understanding, thank you for being accepting, thank you for caring. We are thankful for the good. Thank you, I feel so much better.

I love you. A place of bliss. Some may be able to start here, but I can’t just yet. But by the time I reach this, by the time I’ve apologized, forgiven and shown gratitude, I am in a state that I can feel the joy of love. It is an elevated love that reassures me it would be there whether or not I had sought out forgiveness.

The mantra doesn’t end there, for me. I’m sorry, please forgive me, Thank you, I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you. And on and on until my mind it at peace, and often times after simply because I enjoy the feeling these words carry. I enjoy the conversation that I feel myself carrying out. In the first set I am pleading with myself, in the second I am apologizing for feeling the need to apologize, by the third it is becoming a bit redundant but in that high school romance sort of way until it feels like giggles saying “I love you more” “no, I love you more!” “uh-uh, I love you more!!”

For me, that level of adolescent playfulness is exactly where my bliss hides. This is one of the highest vibrations that I can achieve, although, unfortunately, it isn’t something I fall into often or easily. But having such a simple tool to lead me there helps.

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