Capricious by Nature

Me in all my wonderful glory.

BOPA: Day 10 – Health

Before I even begin reading this, I think it’s good that I’ve returned on a ‘health’ day. I’ve felt that codependent pull lately. I realize that I haven’t been taking care of myself the way I promised and I have to apologize for that. I know I deserve more than worry and anxiety over something that at this moment doesn’t exist. I’m returning to the now and returning to myself.

Morning Ritual

Can I just start laughing now? How many times to do I have to tell myself there is nothing accidental about this. As much as I would like to work this book every day, it simply isn’t needed. There are many days that I don’t NEED these reminders or that these lessons just wont provide me with what is intended. I’ve often found that when I’ve tried to force it..and then go back to it more naturally later, I come to a completely different understanding. And then there are days like this. I haven’t worked BOPA in over a week. We started over on Day 1 on Monday of last week, making today the 10th.

And my little disclaimer above, the grief that I’m clinging to so desperately right now, it made me laugh. I’d rather not go into much detail, but as usual it pertains to my love life. There is a person that I’ve had very conflicting feelings about for some time now, but I’ve grown to desire him quite a bit and am worried that he isn’t nearly as interested in me as I am in him. And while I’ve enjoyed myself with him, I find myself focusing on the more negative thoughts and hoping they aren’t true than telling myself: be happy, enjoy him when you can, and keep your focus on school!

So when you say “I want more money, I don’t want debt” you’re actually including two contradictory vibrations within your vibration. 

Do you see now? Are you giggling with me yet? Will anyone bonk my head and tell me I should have had a V8?

I’ve been reminding myself of the lessons of another day and tried to calm myself with that. The notion that as long as we are on odds vibrationally, we will be kept apart. I don’t mean for this to be so focused on the newly proposed ‘him’, but just in general. I desire companionship, but am afraid of abandonment, judgement and a whole list of other ‘ment’s that are making my intention all fuzzy. It’s a true thought that I wont have what I want as long as I’m not aligned and prepared to receive, but I have to put in the effort to make myself aligned with the vibration of my desires. I can’t muddle it up with the things I don’t want. I need to stop my thoughts at “I want to enjoy him” or “I want companionship”.

Daily Ritual

I didn’t start this in the morning, but I probably should spend time smiling. I did meditate of my own accord earlier. I’ve felt out of sorts for a few days now and haven’t had a real reason, I’ve felt sad but in a very distant sort of way. I meditated to try to clear that out. That meditation is what sparked the want to check in on BOPA.

What I Intend to do: I intend to make a more conscious effort to monitor my thoughts and cut them off before the “but” and the “I don’t wants”. I intend to refocus myself on things that I enjoy. I also intend to start writing my BoS. I intend to straighten out the vibration of my desires! I also intend to make all A’s on my assignments for the first two weeks of school.

For the Universe to Handle: The universe will provide me with the perfect companionship for this time in my life. It will ensure there isn’t a problem with my transportation to and from school. It will make sure I am financially provided for. I would also like a fun event to come up that I can go to, something to get me out of the house and around people that I can enjoy.


I’d rather not do the scripting part. I’m still not comfortable with it. Beyond that, the only thing I’m aware of happening in my near future is going to class tomorrow, which I intend to be positive and productive every day as it is.


1) What is bothering me? I suppose they’re normal things. It’s funny because the negative thoughts don’t easily raise to the surface any more, I don’t feel that mean little devil poking at me with these questions. But when I ask..they arise so that I can look at them. I don’t want to be alone any longer. I want a partner that I can be comfortable with and enjoy. I am upset that I can only find one or the other..either a playmate or a friend. I worry that there isn’t someone that ‘fits’ with me. So how do I want to feel? I want to feel completely comfortable and accepted by another person, not just by myself. I want to feel in love, not just loved. I want to be happy.

2) What do I want to have? I can’t believe I’m saying this, I’ve been so careful to avoid the word, but I want a boyfriend!

3) It’s fall, a forest somewhere north. I’m sitting on a rock and I feel like I’m in my own little world. I don’t think I’m alone or far from others, but right then it doesn’t matter. I can hear a creek near by, the water rushing, but I can’t see it. All I can see are trees and leaves falling all around me, coating the ground in bright golds, oranges and red.

4) $10,000…well, lets see. Right now I’d really like some new clothes, I keep oogling goth and steampunk style things. I could easily spend at least 2k on that, building an entirely new wardrobe. I’d also like to start making clothes again, so I’ll invest $500 to start off with a new sewing machine, cloth and an assortment of tools. After a new gaming computer..I’d put the rest into savings.

Evening Ritual

Does anyone else have a hard time with the thought of “owning your emotions”? I’ve told friends that it’s okay to be sad or angry or any other emotion we can possibly express, but no one really wants to feel that way and I’ve never had an answer for how to get out of it..other than just wait. Time will make it better. Eventually we’ll feel better. I’ve been sad for a few days now, mixed in with the anxious and tired and everything else. But the sad has really stood out because I have no reason to be sad. Nothing is going wrong with my life, I have no real concerns. I have every reason to be happy and as an over all view of my life, I suppose I am happy, but right here in this moment I feel sad. I am ready to cry every time something sad happens on a TV show. I feel myself tearing up for no reason…

Of course I want to be happy. But I really do like what this evening ritual has to say. Abraham explains that there are times when happiness isn’t possible. I like the way it’s worded, the build up is perfect, but in a much shorter way of putting it – sometimes we just can’t be happy. Yet, there is a method given for moving forward. We have a range of feelings available to us at any given moment. In many ways I see this as the idea of choices that I love so much. You have the choice of reaction, how you react and how you process events happening around you. So when you’re in a particular situation, you have the choice to be very upset or not so upset and of course the best thing to do is to not be so upset. It is the best feeling available to you at that time and will move you further along the range of emotions until happiness is in view. 

Maybe right now I can’t be happy. I’ve let so many negative thoughts overwhelm me that I’ve created a space of time where happiness isn’t available. But I’m aware of that now, I’m aware of what I need to do and how to do it so as I move forward, happiness will become available again. As it is, I’m smiling just knowing that another problem has been solved and that I feel I’ve gotten the perfect little nudge to send me back on my way.


About today I enjoyed: I enjoyed waking up before my alarm (despite hitting the snooze twice), it always feels so much better when I wake up on my own. I liked the way my hair was today. I enjoyed my history lecture as much as possible and liked how easy my English class was. I really enjoyed coming home to an empty house and having some time to myself. I liked having that privacy to meditate and then take a much needed cat nap. I liked talking to Kelly earlier, she made me laugh. I also liked being able to share today’s lesson with Nancy, who needed it just as much as I did.

I like about myself: I like my ambition and drive, as well as my adaptability. I love the fact that I’m alive and that so much potential is ahead of me. I’m constantly amazed at myself, even if they start out as “duh!” moments, I feel like I catch on quickly and make changes in myself that need to be made for myself

I like about Nancy: I like that she refuses to give up. She is a real friend to me and such a wonderful mother. I like her sense of humor and that shes a little odd. I like that shes so laid back most of the time. I also like the fact that I can say anything to her and never feel judgment, I can tell her that I’m sad and she doesn’t get concerned..she is just there with me while I’m sad.

I like about Kelly: I admire her view on the world, it is so very different than my own. I like that she is still able to get lost in the fantasy, that shes so easily swept away by things. I see part of myself in her, things that I’ve done and learned from and things that I still need to learn. She is like a walking lesson for me and at the same time, shes a friend who has stood by me for years.

I like about college: So many things! I mean, I’m not as involved as I hope to be when I transfer to the actual university, but I love my classes, I enjoy my professors and most of all..the whole reaching my goals thing is pretty damn amazing.

I like about this week: I love that someone else is taking care of my grandma this week. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. This is the best way to start the semester. Later on, I’ll be more comfortable with her here while I study and do my work, but having this first week to rest and take it easy makes a whole world of difference.

I like about Jason: I almost feel as though I shouldn’t write this. I didn’t spend a great deal of time with him, but he makes me smile. First of all, he reminded me what mind blowing sex was like. That on its own should earn him a medal. But beyond that, he was and has been an unexpected friend. I like his sense of humor. I like that his ambition mirrors my own, even though he is much further down the path than me. I feel like he is a perfect example of where I want my life to be in the coming years. It isn’t often that I can say I admire someone, especially someone that should have just been a one night stand, but I do admire him.


I do want to dream tonight…but I want to solve something. I want to figure out why I keep dreaming of my Granny Elma’s house. It’s more than a little eerie and I always wake up feeling confused and a little upset.

Turning of the Wheel

Since my first little peek into Wicca, I’ve enjoyed the idea of the year being like a wheel. Time doesn’t end, it cycles constantly. I struggled with the idea of years as a child and to some degree still do. I’ve never lived in an area with prominent seasons. But time keeps flowing. I’ve made certain markers, certain times of the year that remind me of certain things and I’m realizing that my wheel of time has nearly come full circle.

It’s been nearly a year since I moved back to Houston, which seems completely unbelievable. I find myself still telling others that I just moved back. That I’ve spent the last few years in Florida. Time has flown insanely fast and I’m caught up in this whirlwind that seems to be carrying me in the right direction. I still feel it after a year, that excitement, that understanding of a purpose and growth. It’s funny that I’ve also realized that I’ve done a bit of personal house cleaning just as this year was coming to an end for me. It hurts to let certain things (and people) go but I know that by letting go of old habits I’m allowing room for greater things in my life.

I’m proud of myself. I can’t think of a single time that I thought anything remotely like that while I was in Florida, or even years before then. I genuinely like the person that I am now. Hell, I love the person that I am now. I still get down about my weight from time to time, but either I’ll do something about it or I’ll learn to love that too. But it is amazing to actually look in the mirror and smile – not a forced smile but a smile that I love what I see, who I am and what I’m doing!

I’ve made and lost friends this year. I’ve met new people, I’ve seen new things, I’ve been to new places. I’m growing and expanding and abundance is all around me. I’m so thankful that I came back in time to see my grandfather before he passed away. I was always so terrified of not seeing him again when I was in Florida, almost every time I got an unexpected call from family in Texas I thought it would be news about my grandparents. I dreaded it. Losing him wasn’t easy, but knowing that I was here for his last few months is a gift that I’ll always cherish.

My zeal for school hasn’t diminished. Of course there have been days that I’ve felt overwhelmed. I’ve had little hiccups and have made mistakes, but I’ve also found the most wonderful sources of encouragement. I never expected the relationship I have with my mother now, before I moved here I was terrified that it would be exactly the same. It isn’t perfect by any means, but its becoming more difficult to remember the bad things. And being lead to the Living Tree Wellness Center..that was nothing short of fate. I’m not as involved there as I would like to be, but meeting people who are doing exactly what I want to do when I have my degree is just amazing. I knew what I wanted..but I felt so unsure, I’d never heard of anyone practicing a mixture of spiritual guidance and psychology outside of churches (and that I wouldn’t call real psychology). Of course that isn’t all they do there, and that isn’t what I’ve been involved in there, but simply knowing that the practice exists has boosted my confidence and determination ten fold.

My confidence in myself has lifted too. If pre-college me had seen my current wardrobe, hair cut or make up choices..woowee, let me tell you. I would have laughed, I’d have been ashamed to be seen in any of it. Of course there is still a little nagging voice in the back of my head sometimes, “what will other people think?!” but I shrug, take another look and ask myself what I think. If its anything other than “I look damn good”, I go ahead and change..but that rarely happens these days.

I do have to attribute some of my current happiness with working the law of attraction. I know I need to get back to writing about that more often, to working it more on a daily basis, but it isn’t just about the work book or getting what I want. I’m starting to see things in a different way. I’m understanding the world differently. So many things seem like they should be completely common sense! But I was so tied up in the contrast that I was raised in to realize the truth all around me. I feel like a more loving person, I’m less upset by things, my anxiety level has gone down soooo much. It is a daily practice, there are so many things I have to constantly remind myself about, but letting go of control has been the greatest thing for me. Which I think is pretty funny given that the law of attraction is focused on receiving everything you need/want…yet it takes giving up that need to control everything in order for it to happen. I couldn’t even begin to explain the lessons I’ve learned and the gifts I’ve been given..and the deeper understanding I have of myself now. And the best part about it is, I’ve only just scratched the surface.

I know I’m on the right path. I’ve reached a level of optimism I never imagined possible. Not unrealistically optimistic, but I’m rarely stressed. I see the silver lining all but instantly and find myself amused and laughing at how everything has worked out. My mantra of “Be here. Now.” has taken on a different meaning as well, not simply something that allows me to focus on the task at hand, but also reminds me that happiness is here in the now, not just in the future when I’ve reached my goals.


Well, my BOPA plans haven’t happened again. I will make it through the booklet at one point but I’m not upset that it isn’t happening at the moment. It isn’t an issue of conviction, but I am on vacation afterall. I could make the time to reflect, to ponder and to grow based on these teachings but I’m too busy enjoying myself. For the most part at least. I had one night of homesickness, but it was more than that. This knowing and understanding is so much more difficult for me at this time in my life than I could have ever expected.

It is proving especially difficult for me to let go of others chaos. I feel like I’m holding the secrets to happiness and everyone else around me refuses to listen. I mean, I’m not going out of my way to share these “secrets” with most people I’m around, they aren’t willing to listen any more than they are to change their lives. I’m just completely dumbfounded that anyone would be willing to submit themselves to these hardships.

I feel removed. I want to shake them and wake them up and make them understand that they don’t have to suffer. I know I shouldn’t. I know this is only distressing me and causing ME to feel negativity. I shouldn’t put this upon myself, but considering this is the only negativity in my life at the moment I have to believe that I’m making progress. I’m still disbelief.

I am removed. But I need to let go. In the mean time, I am enjoying the new tools I’ve gained. This is proving to be a VERY beneficial trip. I have so many new crystals, a set of coins that I can practice I-ching with and even a Kabbalah oracle deck. Call me a little eclectic, but this makes me happy.

BOPA: Day 4 – Health

Morning Ritual

I’ve put quite a bit of thought into the power of belief lately. It’s something that I’ve always felt drawn to, but the notion felt like pure fantasy until lately. I always imagined a fictitious world where anything was possible, so long as anyone believed in it. I also had the notion of the Gods power being based on belief, then I read American Gods and the idea became even more firmly rooted, even though that is clearly fiction.

But now I’m faced with the fact that this notion of belief isn’t fiction. Today’s reading hit on a few things that are already supported by my current actions but again, it is good to be reminded. I cannot stand the tricks of media, I can’t even bring myself to watch the news. When I actually want to know something, I research it, I read the laws, I go to the sources. That doesn’t happen all that often, but when I feel that urge to know I can’t bring myself to trust any TV or radio show, regardless of how reputable they claim to be.

So what does this have to do with health? The mis-belief in ailments and age. I’m stuck on this too, something I need to let go of, but I’m coming to a point that I’m starting to be scared of what I’m going to get because I’m bound to at some point..because my family has a history or because of some statistic. But do you see that right there, even my own wording! I’m bound to. I’ve bound myself to the belief that is what will happen. But it doesn’t have to and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I wont have to deal with any of it, because frankly I don’t want to be ill. Who does?

What I Intend to do: Continue to bless my food before I eat it. Eat everything with happiness. Allow myself to be happy, allow myself to be the conduit for that positive flow I looove to feel. I also intend to dismiss the idea of illness.

For the Universe to handle: Everything, can I just leave it at that? Things seem to go so much more smoothly when I take away the need to control and leave it to the universe. But I’ll make an attempt at being specific – happiness, let it flow abundantly. Let us sigh in relief and comfort and joy and love. Let that energy flow around us strongly enough that it cant be ignored.

Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Sleeping!

I want to accomplish: Getting a good nights sleep

I want to feel: Happy and rested

Segment: Tomorrow morning

In this segment I am: Riding through Florida

I want to accomplish: Getting to Boca safely and in a good mood

I want to feel: Comfortable, relaxed and patient

Segment: Tomorrow evening

In this segment I am: Settling into my dads house

I want to accomplish: Feeling at home

I want to feel: Relaxed, loved and welcomed

Segment: Tomorrow night

In this segment I am: BOPA-ing

I want to accomplish: Day 5 exercises

I want to feel: Inspired and empowered

Daily Ritual

1) What is bothering me? Emotionally, I’m much more stable than I was over the last two days. Physically, my back, legs and feet hurt and are tired. I say this is because of everything I was doing today, but I have to wonder if this is true. I wasn’t in pain until I settled down for the evening, when my mind was no longer occupied with other things and I started to assess my day. Could it be that I justified this physical pain because being in my condition means I should feel pain? And how do I want to feel? Happy of course, and not in any sort of pain!

2) What do I want to have? I’d still like a good lay lol but more than that, a massage would be wonderful. I think its just the trust and physical touch more than the release of tension in my muscles that sounds nice. I want to be pampered physically.

3) I’m floating down a river running through the mountains. There are other people, knowing this is comforting, but I might as well be in a world of my own. The water is moving at a steady pace and there are tall trees towering over the river, hiding the sunlight for periods of time, letting it shine down on me in warm patches before moving me along. I don’t know where I’m going or how long I’ve been floating down the river, but I don’t care. The water is so cold, it feels so good on such a hot day! I don’t ever want to get out.

4) Today I have $4,000 to spend. I would put $1,000 aside to ensure that I could get at least one mani-pedi every month for the rest of the year. I’d use another $1,000 for laser hair removal on a few places. And the remaining amount a good work out machine I could use at home.

Evening Ritual

Opps! I wrote on this as part of my morning ritual. I read both sections earlier in the day but didn’t get to sit down and write until just now. But can I just say, I really dislike alot of public media? When I had my own apartment, I didn’t even have a TV. I had a netflix account for the times that I wanted to relax and just watch something entertaining.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy a good movie or TV show. I’ve watched countless seasons of so many different types of shows. I love a good story. I enjoy reading for the exact same reason, sometimes its nice to be told a story. I think a good story, whether its a book or a TV show, SHOULD invoke some sort of emotions. However, this isn’t to say I want to allow these things to dictate how I feel or who I am.

“As you are an observer of life, whatever you are observing dictates the vibration that you practice. As you are a creator of life, you deliberately choose what you observe in order to affect the vibration.”

This I do find interesting though, and I’ll stay on this idea of movies and TV for a moment longer. I think this ties into why people have such strong tastes in shows and movies. Comedy makes us laugh, it causes a feeling of happiness. Romantic movies stir about longing and love. There are categories of movies for each emotion. You know what you’re getting when you start watching something and thats generally why these things are watched. A desire to feel differently, or to support those things that you’re already feeling. The point here is, you don’t need any of that to change how you feel. You can do that for yourself better than anyone else can. This is for everything from emotion to physical issues.


BOPA: Day 3 – Love

It has been a very long day of driving and the before mentioned tension is still present but it has been great! I don’t often speak about my personal spiritual practices, beyond new discoveries and so on but since I started back to college I’ve called on Athena many times. Although my ties are very clearly made with the Nordic pantheon, I can’t deny that I’ve always felt a calling to several roman/greek Goddesses. Today, we went to the Parthenon in Nashville. I wasn’t aware of its existence, but there was a page about it in the hotel book of local attractions. Luckily it wasn’t all that far from where we were saying..let me just say wow! It was such a powerfully spiritual adventure for me, dancing with images of the future temples I’d love to help create. I also now have an Athena figurine for my alter, which in itself has made this entire trip worth it..but I suppose I should get to the daily reflections and writing, shouldn’t I?

Morning Ritual

I did read this before starting my day and I’ve returned to that awe struck feeling of hitting the spot head on.

“You know at the very core of your being that you are an uplifter, and when somebody has made you not feel good it is doubly terrible to you because not only were you not intending to come forth and be dependent on them to make you feel good, you planned on making them feel better.”

I’ll be honest, I’m not always aware of the feelings of those around me but it is true that I never intend to cause anyone discomfort or any other negative feeling. I’m often concerned when those around me are feeling down but I’m not always sure what to do or say. But I feel their distress and depending on the situation, ask myself “what did I do wrong?” or “why doesn’t s/he like me?”. But this isn’t the question at all, nor is it my place to question their vibration if they’ve chosen it so firmly. I am leading myself to ask better questions these days, taking the I out of the equation and removing my ego from their problems. It isn’t easy, but it is something I am growing with.

“If I would look for something to appreciate and make that my dominant vibration, I would live happily ever after and fulfill my reason for being.”

I love this as well. I do have the habit of dwelling. The moment things start to go wrong I pull up everything from the past, the history of behavior that supports the harm being done. But instead, if I could find something (even completely outside of the situation) to appreciate, I wouldn’t feel the need to concern myself so much. What is being hurt here afterall? Not me. I’m not in physical pain in any way and it’s my choice to let words and tone affect me. It is my ego that is being hurt, but I’m not my ego. Don’t get me wrong, I’m hella proud of myself and in that sense my ego – my confidence – isn’t a bad thing, even if it could stand to be a little more humble at times. But these actions ‘against’ me aren’t a reflection of me or my person, they’re a reflection of the other persons pains and their choice to reside in those pains.

“The secret to life is this: look for something to appreciate and practice it until it becomes easy and you will live happily ever after.”

I love this. And I see exactly how this workbook is helping me to do just that!

What I Intend to do: Ho’oponopono the hell out of the rest of my trip. I intend to be more aware of how I am feeling and what I am saying. I intend to think of something I love/appreciate every time a negative feeling arises. I intend to forgive. I also intend to let go of this childish idea of ‘fairness’*.

For the Universe to Handle: Keep us safe for the remainder of the trip, let the van keep working in perfect order the rest of the way. Keep presenting me/us with amazing things and allowing everything to fall into place just the way it has been!

* I have to note here an internal struggle I faced yesterday. With the recent death of my grandfather and trying to address my grandmother’s affairs, I started thinking about my father and how difficult things will be when he passes away. Although I will never do anything to cause distress for my brother or sister, I feel like I know exactly what will happen – I will be completely cut out and forgotten because of my stepmother. While some sort of monetary inheritance would be nice, that isn’t what I want. I wasn’t even expecting anything with my grandma..I only wanted one of her butterfly necklaces, but now I’m being told I’ll receive several thousand. But that’s beside the point. All I want of my fathers are his photographs of the family and one of his rings. I decided in my mind that this was fair, but played out the scenario of what would actually happen and it wasn’t pleasant. It didn’t hit me until later that it doesn’t actually matter. When it comes down to it, it isn’t his things that are important.

Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Sleeping

I want to accomplish: Getting more than one hour of sleep at a time

I want to feel: Well rested

Segment: Tomorrow

In this segment I am: Going on the family outing (yet to be decided)

I want to accomplish: Enjoying myself and making great memories with the kids

I want to feel: Happy!

Segment: Tomorrow

In this segment I am: Riding to our next stop

I want to accomplish: Making it the rest of the way through the mountains safely

I want to feel: relaxed, easy, comfortable

Segment: Tomorrow

In this segment I am: Writing

I want to accomplish: Writing at least one full short story

I want to feel: Creative, inspired, relaxed

Segment: Tomorrow

In this segment I am: Stopping for the night (my father hasn’t decided if he wants to drive straight through or not, but I’m saying we will stop!)

I want to accomplish: Not being cramped in a van for more than 5 hours straight

I want to feel: as relaxed as possible

Daily Ritual

1) I didn’t meet many people today, only the staff at the hotels and the places we stopped to eat. I will say, everyone I came in contact with was nice beyond their professional responsibility. I enjoy smiles and genuine politeness. To me this isn’t just respect, but an acknowledgement of the people you are helping. I find Namaste to be a beautiful phrase, but it isn’t something commonly heard/said anywhere..actually, I haven’t heard anyone actually say it, only pass it around facebook. To me, a genuine smile holds everything that Namaste stands for.

2) To the questions how do I want to feel and what do I want to have…well, I want to feel happy. I want to feel satisfied with myself. I want to feel enough, nothing more nothing less. I can’t say I really want to have anything. Well, that isn’t true either. There are endless trivial things I would like to have, but they aren’t necessary and I think they would just be filling some sort of void. I want to have more reasons to be happy, I also want to be a reason that those around me are happy..or at least have the choice to be happy.

3) I am in the temple of my mind, each wing dedicated to the Pantheons of my past lives while three Goddesses who call to me in this life claim the central room. But I’m not alone, this isn’t only my place. It isn’t my place at all, but I am a part of it. There are others here, but I don’t see their faces, they are kneeling or raising their hands in reverence, I don’t see any of their faces, but that is exactly what I feel, reverence and power. I feel a knowing and trust that these entities, these powers, are here to assisting me if I merely ask the question..if I make my desires known.

4) Today I have $3,000 to spend and being in this spiritual mindset, I would spend it all on creating a place in my moms backyard, a gazebo of types with an altar and figurines of the various God/desses.

Evening Ritual

Ok! Ok! I get it! I need this pounded into my head, tattooed on the back of my eyelids. What is it with mother figures? I just realized that. The only two people who are still capable of getting under my skin and causing me lasting distress are my mother and stepmother. I feel powerless against them for very different reasons. I’ve put myself in a situation with my mother that is very unstable, as she could change her mind at any moment and I would be in a very bad situation. My stepmother on the other hand doesn’t have that level of power over me, but she has the distinct ability to remind me constantly that I’m not part of her family.

I understand we didn’t start on the best terms, but I was a teenager who was in the deepest parts of my self-hatred stage. Almost twelve years later and I still feel like that is who she sees. It doesn’t matter what I do or say, that is the image of me that she reverts back to and I don’t understand what I am doing to enforce this. I am VERY different than I was then, obviously, but even different than how I was four..even two years ago. I am constantly evolving and trying to expand myself, but this isn’t what she sees. She sees the threat, the reminder that my father had a life before her, and that I was a bitch as a teen.

I say this and even as I’m writing it I realize that I can’t know what she actually thinks of me, only the impressions I get from the way she responds to me. Regardless of what she sees or thinks, even when there are brief positive moments, it always comes back to a snappy attitude. She finds me annoying, that much I do know to be true, although I don’t know why. And this is where I must remind myself, IT DOESN’T MATTER. It is HER choice to reside in this place of agitation. There are plenty of things that annoy me, more in the past than now, but it is my choice whether or not to acknowledge them, or appreciate the things around me.

“You set your own tone so that you get to choose the tone of what happens in the interaction rather than observing someone else’s and becoming part of that.”

Let her be annoyed. Let the children go crazy. Let my whatever he is, I can almost never read his emotions. The point is, their reality doesn’t have to be mine. This is something my father has tried telling me before, in other words, but I’ve always found it so hard to grasp. It is still a struggle and one that I need to be reminded of over and over. This is a practice after all. And even though it may still upset me at times, the fact I notice it and change my vibration is amazing progress.

About today I liked and enjoyed: Did I mention the Parthenon? The Parthenon was frickin amazing! Not just the scale building of well, the Parthenon, not just the gigantic statue of Athena, but also the art gallery and the history behind the building and the land. It was just beautiful and interesting and completely spiritually uplifting. I liked feeling a hint of what it meant to worship the Gods when it was common to walk into such temples…the sense of their size, their grandeur, the fact that to look upon their faces was a thing of awe and strain and that to crumple down and bow before them makes you that much smaller before their might. I like the power in that. I like that I can say that I’ve been to the Grand Ol’ Opry, even if it wasn’t to see a show, sometimes just going to a place is enough to make it a good memory. I’m glad I got so many great pictures today! Really, today was good. It feels like everything just falls into place, even the fact that the vending machines at the rest stop accepted credit cards since I’d run out of cash. I like that we stopped at a waffle house, I’d meant to ask if we would because after going places with Granny Elma so much, it just doesn’t feel like a real vacation/road trip if I don’t go to a waffle house at least once. And we got to do a load of laundry! I have a clean bra that doesn’t have 4 days of sweat stink!

I like about myself: Can I just say, my GPA? I love my grades and I love the stance I have on that. It isn’t that I would be upset if I get a bad grade but that getting a bad grade for a class isn’t an option. There is no reason for it if I put in even minimal effort and there is no reason why I should stop at the minimum, so no, bad grades are not an option. I like that I’ll be in honors classes next semester! (pending I get to talk to the school). I like me. It’s silly but there isn’t anyone else quite like me.

I like about Kristy: That she is forcing me to ask questions and then doesn’t really matter! I do actually like the lessons that she is teaching me because I know at the end of the day, she is family and that it is better I learn these things with her than others. She is teaching me things I need to overcome before I can possibly consider spending my life helping others.

I like about the van: That it really isn’t all that cramped, it could be far worse. I like that it’s actually getting us around safely without any problems and it seems to have decent gas mileage. If it weren’t for a vehicle like the van, I probably wouldn’t have been invited to come along at all.

I like about clouds: I’m fascinated by clouds and have been since I took some neat pictures in Louisiana. I love the images, I always see pictures and stories within them and always see something new every time I take pictures of them. I feel as though they’re messages writ across the sky for me. I should start writing these things in my doodle book but the messages aren’t coming across completely clear yet. I guess the writing might help with that.

I like about this trip: Going places I’ve never been! Mountains! Trees! The Parthenon! Music! The list goes on and on. I really am having fun and I’m glad that I’m getting a few moments to myself to write and reflect.

I like about Brooke: That she is teaching me patience. Oh Hel is she teaching me patience.

BOPA: Day 2 – Wealth

So, I didn’t get to BOPA last night. It was a choice and I’m pretty happy about it. I had a few experiences I’ll be glad to say I’ve had and I’d rather not write a blog post while inebriated, I’m hard enough to understand when completely sober hah. But, as I said before, I’m not skipping days in the book! So here I am at Day 2. I’ll read this as I write, jotting down my first impressions but I had to giggle a bit. Money is on my mind today, I’m at the end of what I had saved up and am limited on what I can spend for a while. I’m also thinking about how I’ll go about getting a job once I get back to Houston. And what is day 2? Wealth of course!

“We think that you know that you want it to be stimulating. You want to be fascinated. You want to be of value. You want to contribute, you want to make a difference. You want to move forward. You want financial remuneration. You want to be interested in what you’re doing.”

This, this is exactly why I’m back in college now. My previous jobs and anything I qualified for didn’t meet any of these things. They weren’t stimulating. They were mind numbing. And I felt like shit most of the time because my good deeds were never noticed, but every small mistake came out with such negativity. That isn’t the environment I want to be a part of. I want to be surrounded by positivity, by people who are also seeking more in their lives. I do sincerely believe that my education path will take me to this place, and in the mean time I am finding other facets of myself that I further wish to explore.

“Remember, step one is the asking, step two is the answering, and step three is the letting it in.”

I do like the question of action v. inaction. This is one reason that I could never strictly follow eastern philosophies, too much inaction. I do acknowledge there is peace to be found in this, but I don’t exactly what that peaceful of a life. I want contentment and security, but I also want excitement and inspiration. But, getting back on track, even though the universe is completely bringing things my way, the best way to get the ball rolling is by doing! This is something I’ve been working toward getting comfortable with for a long time. Too much of my life has been spent paralyzed by fear so far, but over the last few years I’ve worked toward action, being proactive, doing rather than waiting. I’m not going to argue that sitting back and waiting when you’re in the vibration is a bad thing, but in my instance, waiting because of fear only generated more fear.

Also, focusing on where you are rather than where you are going. This is a big one for me that I have constantly in practice now! Of course my life isn’t perfect but the funny thing is, I don’t really think about it until I talk to other people. They ask, how are you? How is your family? How is school? How is it living with your mom and grandmother? Apparently, my life is pretty damn hard. Or so I’m told. I get past the most basic details and I’m faced with pity. Of course there are days I get a little frustrated in the moment, but overall I don’t think of it as an impossible (or even bad!) situation. It’s just where I am now and I’m thankful that I’m here rather than where I was this time a year ago.

Funny, this didn’t actually address money but it does apply to my situation in too many ways. I do feel that I’m past this, this needing to be reminded of where I’m going rather than where I am, but this is a practice isn’t it? And a little nudging reminder isn’t a bad thing. Spending this long thinking on it only enforces the practice and sends further energy into the universe. I will graduate with honors, with the degrees that I want, have the career that I want. I’ll find satisfaction in what I’m doing and I’ll be a student the rest of my life, I’ve settled on this mentally not too long ago, but there is always something new to learn. Even if I’m not working toward a degree, I can learn things. I want to learn reflexology and reiki in addition to my degree program. I want to help others to heal.

Evening Ritual

I’m so tired now. I started writing this morning, since then I’ve made it from Memphis to Nashville and walked circles around down town Nashville. It’s been amazing for too many reasons. I wish I could remember everything, well almost everything. But lets not get distracted just yet…

What I Intend to do: Work it! Use the Ho’oponopono. Enjoy life and be open to possibilities. I intend to let stressful things roll off my back, if I am open and honest with myself and those around me then there is nothing the universe will send my way that will hurt me. Be happy! Be reminded. Most of all, I intend to be awesome.

For the Universe to handle: Everything! No, but really..I’d like the universe to make the rest of my vacation as pleasant as possible. I want happiness to rain down on all of us so that we’re all giggly and the neighbors have to wonder if we’re high. I want things to flow smoothly, or at least the opportunity for it and I want my own serenity to be available even if those around me choose to resist the flow.

I will be skipping scripting tonight as I’m impossibly tired, but I will say I’m focusing my good intentions on having a SAFE trip that goes as easily as possible, no problems internal or external.

1) How do I want to feel? I want to feel happy and accepted, I want to feel like an important part of the family, not just an option. I want to feel wanted, not needed or merely useful. What do I want to have? A relationship with my step-mom that I don’t feel the need to constantly question. Otherwise, I just want a stress-free vacation, I want to have fun and not worry about who is grumpy and who isn’t.

2) Will probably not do this part…

3) I’m laying on a massage table, it’s pleasantly warm in the room, dim and it smells like jasmine. Every last inch of my soreness is being rubbed away and I’m melting into the table, happy and feeling so, so good.

4) With the $2,000 I would rent a car once I got to Florida and use the rest for spending money.

I fell asleep at that point hah! But I will say, I had an amazing day, lessons included. A stranger offered to take my trash for me, that random act of kindness and his bright blue eyes made me smile. I saw a concert at the river in Nashville, walked all over the place and made it to the state Museum. All in all, it was a great day.

BOPA: Day 1 – Health

I’ve had so many little thoughts lately that I wish I had written down. I can’t recall half of them now, other than the fact that I wanted to stick them in my blog one way or another. But, I think the important thing at the moment is that I am doing this. Weeks before I started my vacation, I decided that I would use this period of time as more than just “getting away”, I want to get in touch too. I want to work this thing from day one, and if I happen to miss a day, I’ll continue on with the next. So here I am, sitting in a hotel room in Newport, Arkansas, fulfilling a promise to myself.

Morning Ritual Reflections

I’ve read this one several times but I still come away with a new message each time. It speaks of self love, but not in the typical sense. I can so easily say I love myself..but, I normally say “I love everything about myself, except the way I look.” Which, as of this moment that still stands to be true for the most part. I don’t like my weight and I’m uncomfortable when others find me physically attractive. But, lately I’ve been thinking about it in other ways as well…

My hair is it these days. I think I’ve come to the understanding that my weight is a choice and I’ve chosen to be this big and when I choose to no longer be this big then I wont be. I haven’t quite figured out WHY I’ve chosen to be this big yet, other than a means of protection. But, when it comes to how I view my beauty it all relies on how my hair is doing. I could be all dolled up, in all the right clothes but if my hair isn’t cooperating I feel like complete and utter crap. And while others would make excuses for their size or something else, I find myself trying to pardon the frizz in my hair. It’s a little odd, but that too is something I need to stop apologizing for. My hair (and eyes) is the source of most of the compliments I receive.

I wont follow that tangent too much longer, but this reading also reminds me of another very, very important point. I do struggle at times with remembering there is unity in all things. When I am in the right mindset, I can see it. I agree with it and know it to be true. But then I return to the “normal” and the idea that putting love into my food seems silly. I think I’ll make this as part of my intentions. The last BOPA meeting I was able to attend, we talked about praying before we eat and blessing our food. I’ve always loved that tradition but felt so odd about it and uncomfortable christian memories. 

What I Intend to do: I intend to bless my food before eating it. When I can, I will write love or light on my drinks, especially water, which I intend to drink more of. I intend to make an effort not to be so critical about myself, whether it be my weight, hair or any other physical aspect of myself. I also intend to be more loving toward others and lead by example, whether or not they realize what I am doing. I also intend to complete this 30 days.

For the Universe to handle: Most importantly, I will let the Universe keep me safe during this trip; take us down the safest roads, keep the path clear and our driver(s) awake and aware. I will also let the Universe bring the right people into my life, the sparks of moments, the pleasantries and boosts of love and confidence. 

Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Sleeping, sound, peacefully and without a worry

I want to accomplish: Getting a good nights sleep!

I want to feel: Well rested and ready for tomorrow

Segment: Tomorrow morning

In this segment I am: Riding in the van, on the way to Memphis

I want to accomplish: Getting there safely without any problems

I want to feel: Safe and excited!

Segment: Tomorrow mid-day

In this segment I am:  Touring Graceland

I want to accomplish: Having fun, learning new things, getting TONS of pictures

I want to feel: Exhilarated

Segment: Tomorrow evening

In this segment I am: Walking down Beale St.

I want to accomplish: Finding something new, meeting new people, having a good time

I want to feel: Excited and maybe a little scared

Segment: Tomorrow night

In this segment I am: Tucking myself in at the Heartbreak Hotel

I want to accomplish: Getting back to the hotel safely, going to bed in high spirits after doing my BOPA exercises

I want to feel: Satisfied

Daily Ritual

1) To be honest, at the moment I’m not really bothered by much. I do need to get laid, that is annoying, especially knowing I passed up a perfectly good chance before I left town. I wouldn’t attribute that to anything that is bothering me, its just a physical need. But, it would be nice to not be so easily distracted by every attractive thing that crosses my path while I’m trying to spend time with my family. I’d like to just be happy and content with them for now.

2) The question of “What do I want to have?” just made me giggle. Given what I just explained, do I really need to say it? I might blush!

3) I’ll keep my virtual reality to myself as well, it’s following in theme.

4) Today I have $1,000 to spend. With that, I’m going to pay off my bed. That is all.

Evening Ritual

My mind is blown. I’m not brand new to this Law of Attraction stuff, but the way this is worded…I don’t even know how to reflect. I guess it all comes down to the power of your thoughts. If you focus so much on the situation that you’re in, the negative that you’re surrounded by, that is what you will get more of. Of course, you’re putting energy into it, you’re feeding it, you’re calling it into your life. But if you can think on the positive, if you can put energy into what you want, that is what will come to you. That’s the jist of all of this, isn’t it?

Maybe I need to put thought into attracting a man. I’m sorry, I had to laugh. I know that isn’t what I really want. Maybe this desire isn’t so simple after all. I’ll have to think on it. Perhaps I’ll dream on it tonight, I expect something vivid and telling. But, I did enjoy this reading, as mind blowing as it is. I’m happy to say that at the moment, I’m not completely miserable with my place in life. I know it is only where I am and not where I will be and I put so much thought and love into where I want to be, I know it will be a reality.

About today I liked and enjoyed: I think it might be easier to list what I didn’t like! But that would defeat the purpose wouldn’t it? I liked finishing my summer classes completely. I liked getting to spend time with my cousins. I really enjoyed getting a personal tour from my cousin Junior. I enjoyed the little nap I managed to get in at cousin Waynes house. I loved all the animals I got to play with today. I liked all the green, the rivers and lakes. I liked dinner and getting to be around even more cousins. I loved being able to share stories and learn more about my family. I loved being able to laugh and sharing all the hugs.

I like about myself: My determination! I like that I’m actually over looking my weight now, even though it has been slightly redirected to my hair. I like my smile, I actually do like my hair, I like how kind I can be but that I also know my boundaries. I like that I have such a strong connection to animals and feel so good out in nature.

I like about Dena: She has such a great sense of humor and a mischievous little smile. I feel like we have much more in common than we’ll ever know.

I like about Felicia: Her smile! The way she tells stories. Her happiness is contagious, it’s absolutely amazing.

I like about Junior: His stories! His witty little comments. I love hearing the things he had to say as well as the questions he had to ask, he is so unexpected and refreshing.

I like about Kristy: She knows my body language and easily reads my mood, I’d forgotten that she could. I like how considerate she is, even if a little skittish. I’ve enjoyed seeing another side of her that seems slightly more vulnerable and easy to relate to. 

I like about Martha: What isn’t there to like! She is so blunt in that wonderful old southern sort of way. She is filled with so much love and happiness. She has some stories too and it’s just been completely wonderful being around her. I know that we’d be close too if we lived closer to one another.

And tonight, I intend to dream my answers and in the morning I will remember them.

Worry Less

That’s what I keep telling myself tonight; Worry Less.

I’m leaving tomorrow afternoon for vacation! I could write an entire post just on my excitement, all the feelings I have toward my family and all the things I want to do, but that isn’t what is pushing me to write tonight. However, I will say that I fully intend to start from day 1 of the workbook after I’m completely done with my school work.

And there we have it, the source of my worry. Actually, let me be completely honest here. I didn’t manage my time well. I was (and to a degree am!) so proud of myself at how we’ll I’ve handled these classes, but I misread a very important assignment and didn’t go back to double check it. Now this assignment is due at a time that I’m not certain I will have access to the internet.

I have a plan of action but my mind is playing out all of these horrible scenarios where I wont get it done on time and I’ll fail the class. I feel other things creeping up around the edges as well, but I’m fending them off. Worry Less.

So tonight I’ll sleep. I have an alarm set to go off fairly early and after I’ve done packing, I’ll spend the rest of my morning working on this assignment. I’ll also have a good amount of time sitting at the airport both before and after my flight. At first I wasn’t too thrilled about that thought, who wants to sit around an airport for hours after they’ve landed? But now I’m thankful and part of me hopes my fathers flight is delayed (but not cancelled!) so that I get a bit more time.

It’s nights like this I wish I knew where my angel oracle cards were. They’ve been mysteriously absent since I moved to Houston..but I’m sure they’ll turn up sooner or later. So let’s see what my beautiful dragonfly tarot has for me. Words of comfort perhaps?

8 of cups..hah..okay, maybe I wont wait until the morning. I have at least another hour before I’ll sleep tonight. So that’s an hour that I can dedicate to my project and an hour that will make me much more confident about tomorrow. And with that..I’ll be back to write more once I’m able to start over from day 1!


I’m not sure why I keep seeking validation in others. It isn’t such a terrible thing at the moment, their questioning brings resolve to things I’ve been fearful to accept about myself before…but it is one of those things I wish I could process differently. I’ve come to the decision, that is why Jonathan came into my life. He is very directly asking me questions as well as making me question my stance on a number of things that I should have well formed opinions about at this point in my life. As annoying as it has been, I have to be grateful for this.

I’ve also realized why my segmenting isn’t exactly working. I’m working against my own desires and along with expectations I feel are being placed on me for one reason or another. When I know I’m being expected to do something, I segment that it will go well..when the truth is, I’d rather be doing something else entirely. But because I’ve given into that expectation myself, I feel guilty if I don’t follow that given plan and end up having wasted time because I can’t justify to myself that the time is now mine. Instead I invent some illness, some excuse, some procrastination to ensure that I don’t have to do the things I don’t want to..but ultimately don’t enjoy NOT doing them. I need to recognize my own wants more clearly and make better use of my time.

Daily Ritual

What I Intend to Do: I intend to listen to myself, my wants more clearly. I intend to catch up on my school work and enjoy the time I am giving myself off. I intend to try to find some balance over the next two weeks so that I can stay on track. I FULLY intend to pass my classes with the highest grades possible. I intend to do the absolute best that I can and be satisfied with that.

For the Universe to Handle: I will let the Universe allow tomorrow to flow easily, letting me balance time as easily as possible to make sure I can get everything done in time and be able to do everything I want at the party. I will let the Universe handle the situation with people from my past, allowing there to be a feeling of love and understanding between us. I will let the Universe handle money flow, making my financial aid process as easy as possible.


1. Segment: After I post this

In this segment I am: settling down to bed

I want to accomplish: Getting a wonderful nights sleep, waiting up refreshed, happy and motivated

I want to feel: Happy and energized!

2. Segment: In the morning

In this segment I am: Taking quizzes!

I want to accomplish: Acing the quizzes, getting it all done before Elina’s party

I want to feel: Accomplished, caught up, on top of things

3. Segment: Tomorrow afternoon

In this segment I am: Helping set up Elina’s party

I want to accomplish: Having fun, helping out a friend, enjoying myself

I want to feel: Happy, connected, useful

4. Segment: Tomorrow evening

In this segment I am: Reading

I want to accomplish: Finishing my notes for my english reading

I want to feel: Ahead of the game! At ease. Happy

5. Segment: Tomorrow night

In this segment I am: Writing my blog post

I want to accomplish: Further working with the law of attraction

I want to feel: Peaceful

30 second scene of joy: It’s early in the morning, I’m waking up but there isn’t an alarm. I know there is something good going on today, but not until later. It’s the thrilling excitement of expectation, that shiver just under my skin that makes me want to move and jump and sing but it isn’t time and I don’t want to get out of bed. I love the warmth, the sunlight filling my room and making the yellow-gold walls glow.

About today I liked and enjoyed: Sleeping in! I loved that part, it felt so nice not to get up so early this morning, not to do anything first thing in the morning. I liked watching more of the spirit science videos. I liked talking to Jonathan, not for the context of our conversation but for the answers I found in talking to him. I liked getting to watch the movie 2012 from beginning to end and for once not being terrified that the world was going to end soon.

I like about myself: My balanced, logical yet empathetic mind. I love that I am able to see things from many different views but am not easily upset, I always try to look for the source and the silver lining before deciding my exact feelings on any matter. I like that I am ambitious. I love that I have decided on my goals and am reaching for them. I like my confidence.

I like about Jonathan: that he is very open. I like that he isn’t easily ashamed, that his sense of humor flows easily. But I like that he also tries to be courteous. I like how different his views are from mine, that he allows me to see things from a different position. I like his endless questions and his willingness to listen. I like that he is forcing me to face things that make me uncomfortable, making me realize that there are things that I still don’t know about myself.

Is it odd that I’m struggling with this now? I could go on for days about the things I’m grateful for, but this wording makes me struggle. “I like about…” always makes me want to think of a person, which only makes me realize just how few people influence my life at the moment. I’m not sure this is a bad thing, until I get into the deeper studies of my chosen profession I could do with as little influence as possible. But because of the limited contact I don’t have many new things to say about the people in my life. I’m thankful for my home, for my car, for my cat and even my chameleon. I’m thankful for the community I’m a part of, for the opportunities in my life and even the growth that I’ve seen in myself. I’m thankful for all of my professors, for my parents and their assistance. I’m even thankful for the government, for schools being established, for my right to attend them and financial aid being available. 

Things could be better, but they most certainly could be worse and I have no reason to be unhappy with my current lot in life. I am molding my life while I am being molded into my most perfect self.

Comfort is the enemy. I get comfortable and let things slip away. I’m not there yet. I can avoid it if I sleep tonight. I wont have problems because (I’m subtracting the IF here) I WILL do what I need to tomorrow. I didn’t take advantage of the opportunities presented to me today. I had a peaceful environment for hours but I didn’t utilize them toward school work that needs to be done..and done quickly. But I know myself, I know how productive I can be and I have no doubt that I am capable of staying in this comfortable zone. I just can’t let myself stagnate. It is a process, not something achieved and kept.

That could be said about most things, huh? Anyways, I’m so close to dozing off.

I can’t recall what I dreamed last night only that at one part I was forced to look in the mirror and my eyes were green. I was amazed, they had changed from blue to green and everyone else knew it except for me. They were beautiful, I’ve always loved green eyes. I was stunned that I hadn’t noticed the change, they were clearly green and I looked in the mirror every day but I’d been born with blue eyes so how could they be anything else? I didn’t question that what I was seeing every day in the mirror was different from what I’d grown up knowing to be true.

Daily Rituals

What I Intend to do: FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS! I will be productive tomorrow. I will do my school work. I will focus. I will ignore distractions. I will remember to eat. I will keep my grandmother calm. I will stay calm. I will get my work done!

For the universe to handle: Peace, it has been wonderful so far that I’ve been peaceful..I’ve had peace when I needed it. The universe will see that something good from the break ins at my grandmas house.

I will need to start this earlier tomorrow…I’m drifting off before I can get to any part of the segmenting. But tonight I would like to dream again. The answers I’m receiving are beautiful in their direct simplicity. But tonight is about resting, finding my motivation and waking up completely refreshed and ready to mentally run the marathon ahead.


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