Capricious by Nature

Me in all my wonderful glory.

Humbled

I’m finding peace in not blurting out my woes to any and everyone who will listen, but expressing these things still feels like such an essential part of who I am. I remember when I was very young and unsure of how to express myself, it was suggested that I write my feelings. I’m sure this is why I’m far more articulate in writing but it also provides a release. Oh, I know someone out there will read this but it isn’t me dwelling on a conversation, going back and forth, fighting the emotions jumbling around inside of me.

I always say honesty is very important to me. It’s true, it is. However, I’m not always the most honest person. I become afraid of hurting others feelings or doing something that will cost me something I’d like to keep. But I’ve realized that isn’t who I am, or who I want to be. Tonight was a very humbling experience that I know will echo with me for some time.

I haven’t taken dating seriously in years. I curl up into these online relationships that are more fantasy than reality and take the ups and downs of getting emotionally attached while knowing full and well there is no possible future. When I do venture out into the real world it’s more about the physical connection, which I’m not in the least bit ashamed of, but there is also no future in that either. When I have decided to ‘be’ with someone, I always have others lined up in the back ground for the “in case” (although I know that means WHEN) it falls apart. The idea of having nothing to fall back on has always scared me..but at the same time, those that I’m falling back on clearly aren’t what I want so why am I really keeping them around?

I’m serious about Rob. I’ve deleted my dating profiles, I’ve told my fwb that I’m pursuing something real…but there was one person I hadn’t spoken to yet. Carlos, hes such a sweet boy, I can genuinely say that I like him as a person but there was no possibility of a future there. He vanished before I met Rob and part of me hoped that it would be as easy as that, but earlier today I found myself wondering what happened to him..and if he came back what would I do? I started to think of ways to string Carlos along until I was absolutely sure Rob would be more than a few week fling. Needless to say, Carlos contacted me this evening for the first time in weeks.

I didn’t respond for hours, mostly because I was at BOPA when he text. I felt like an ass, not just because I had to tell him I found someone else but also because of his situation, he has been dealing with a family illness. It didn’t feel good to be honest. I know he was reaching out for comfort. I wanted to lie. I wanted to be sweet. I wanted to give him a reason to smile tonight. But that wouldn’t have been fair to either of us. I would have felt guilty and once a lie is started, even by omission, it’s so hard to break. He is going to make such an amazing husband to someone some day, but I knew from the start it wouldn’t be me.

I find part of myself resisting the idea that this was the best route to take because I don’t feel good about it at this second, but then I remember  – something we talked about tonight! – that you reach for the best vibration you can in that moment. Feeling bad about hurting his feelings isn’t nearly as bad as lying to him and carrying that guilt only to have it come out later. That would also cast a negative pall on my relationship with Rob. That isn’t what I want to do. I don’t want to cast any doubts on us when I feel like things could be so amazing. This isn’t the type of dance where I feel butterflies every time I think about him, its something that makes me smile and feel secure, knowing that I’ve found a kindred spirit that I don’t have to put an act on around.

There were other things I wanted to write about tonight, reflections from BOPA, family developments, but I’m feeling so humbled right now. I am choosing to be proud of my honesty. The goodness that comes from my being a better person isn’t contingent on anything other than me being true to myself.

A simple gift

There is something surprisingly special about being told that God brought me into my life. And even more so knowing he truly believes it. So many smiles every time that little thought wiggles its way back into my view, even days later.

All the things!

My thoughts are all a jumble but for once I think that’s ok. I’m in one of those amazing moments. I’m in the flow. I feel every possible good thing coming my way. There are no words. I don’t know how I came into this accepting moment. I’m not afraid. I’m not scared to question it, I’m not doubting that this ‘moment’ will last just as long as I allow it. But the how isn’t all that necessary. I’m happy, but not in that soaring high destined to crash sort of way. I’m not manic.

I always enjoyed that manic feeling, especially when it came to romance. I believed that feeling proved something, despite the fact that it was fueled by short term efforts and a good helping of anxiety and fear. But that isn’t this. I do feel a kind of physical question because of that. If I’m so happy why do I not have that manic high? Shouldn’t my heart be racing? Shouldn’t it be impossible to focus right now? It isn’t even my thoughts but I feel the confusion on a cellular level and it makes me smile. No, we’re done with that. We’re done with the highs and lows, we’re on a steady road now, doesn’t that fresh pavement feel nice? No harsh dips here.

So, what’s with all of this? I haven’t found much time to post here but I go to BOPA every Monday and I’m really putting LoA into practice on a daily basis. Not as extensive as the handbook wants, but man..

If you’ve seen any of my previous posts, I’ve had a roller-coaster of a time in the romance department. I finally decided, I want something real. I set my intention. I set my requirements. I tried to push for it for a few weeks and finally threw my hands up in the air and said “Alright, Universe. I know hes out there and I know hes waiting for me. I know you’ll bring him to me when I’m really ready.”

And bam. I met him. But lets not stop there just yet. I knew the moment I met him, our first conversation lasted hours, I didn’t want to leave and neither did he but we both had other obligations. So, that same day my mother went through her own little episode. My mother, up until this point, had been a MAJOR point of resistance for me. I was holding onto so much pain from the past and was struggling to let it go. The biggest problem is her past with alcoholism. So, as I was leaving my date and heading to BOPA, I received a call from my uncle stating that my mom was drunk and he didn’t know where she was…

I was clearly upset, I got ahold of her, I felt every urge to turn around and go pick her up but I didn’t. I told her to sober up and find her way home and then I went to BOPA. That in itself was a big step for me, I’m always cast into the rescuer role with her so the fact I didn’t drop my life to save hers is just amazing. But the biggest thing came the next morning. Every ounce of me wanted to be mad at her. I wanted to say some snotty remark or chastize her for getting drunk. I wanted to be mean so she could feel just how much she had hurt me. But as I sat there contemplating what to text her that morning, I stopped.

After several attempts to decide what to say I realized that none of it would accomplish anything other than making both of us feel worse. I wouldn’t feel any better for saying something mean and I know she had to be feeling pretty shitty to have done that. I stopped. I took a few deep breaths and I asked Spirit for the words. I text her “I’m sorry you feel so alone. I’m here to talk later if you want to. I love you.”

That was a week and a half ago and my relationship with my mother has never been better. We talked for nearly five hours straight, she was holding onto SO much pain. I was able to let go of some of mine as well. But it just..felt good. For both of us. And the house feels so much better. A weight was lifted from both of us that completely changed the mood of everything that came after.

So I’ve seen my gift from the Universe twice since then and each time has only gotten better. It is unbelievable how things have happened and that I’m not in the least bit scared. I’m comfortable and confident and happy. After just a week we’re decidedly in a committed relationship and that doesn’t frighten me. I haven’t said these words to him, but I know already that I love this man. It isn’t in that shallow fleeting way dependent on any other thing. I appreciate who he is, everything I know about him, his kindness, his understanding, his drive. I feel an unconditional love for him beneath everything else. And this is where my body finds that confusion. Aren’t we supposed to be jittery nervous about this?! Shouldn’t I be super ultra excited and scared?! No, because this is real.

He came over to my house today. I’ve never invited anyone home. Beyond the fact that I live with family for the time being, I don’t trust easily. I’ve had prospects in the past want to pick me up for a date and I just say no, I’d rather drive. I don’t want them knowing where I live. But..I was eager to have him here. I was excited to spend almost a whole day with him.

When we first met, he told me his fathers philosophy on a lasting relationship. There are three components, first there must be a friendship, communication, shared interests. Second, there must be unbelievable physical attraction, the type that makes it hard to keep your hands off one another. And third grows from the first two, which is a long, lasting love. I thought this was beautiful when he first said this but I see it intensifying every time that I’m with him. I enjoy talking to him and I love listening to him, the conversations aren’t one sided – in the past its either me doing all the talking or the person I’ve been with, but the communication has been very lack luster. And the physical..I might actually blush if I try to describe it, but I do have a hard time being near him and not touching him. I love his lips, I love the way he kisses but also the feel of them and the way he smiles, the way he articulates, I love his voice. Did I mention his smile? I’m grinning like crazy just thinking about it. I love the feel of his body, I love how we connect. I love that he is that perfect height, the level of intimacy..its just breath taking.

I have to go non-PG for a moment. I’ve fucked. I’ve had amazing sex. I’ve had my mind blown in unexpected ways because of different things that have been done to me. But..it is making love with him. I’ve always shied away from looking into the face of the person I’m with, it feels awkward, even when I’ve been in relationships. But..part of this goes back to his height as well. His body is just so perfectly matched to mine, we can hold each other and look into each others eyes while we enjoy that connection. That was something I couldn’t even stand to do with my ex-fiance. But with Rob…I could feel his passion, his desire, his love..even his respect for me. I could feel how much he wanted me, but not just my body. I could feel his mark being left on me, imprinted. And I’m still so swept away by it.

Everything is so wonderful. School is going well. My grandmother is out of the house for a week so its been so very quiet. My stress level has dropped to something nonexistant. BOPA makes me happy. I went to a full moon gathering that was just great. I got to spend time with Nancy last week and I’m hopeful that I’ll get to spend some time with her again soon. Being around her, her baby and even her husband just makes me feel good. Everything just feels good right now.

I just wish I could find the right kind of love song!

I always found the notion of being ‘completed’ by a lover so very romantic but that isn’t the case at all and it feels so good this way. My life is fucking amazing right now. I feel complete on my own. Hell, he didn’t even come into the picture until I’d given up and focused entirely on feeling good about myself. And I do feel good. I feel so confident about my progress. I am confident about my direction and purpose. Everything is falling into place exactly how it needs to be. And hes here. I don’t have him every day, he is just as busy and SO ambitious too. I don’t even have an analogy that does this justice. I wish I were a poet.

But for now, I’m not. For now I’m just happy and I’m happy about being happy! Right now life is grand, the moon is shining and this little heathen is ready to drift off.

The “Wrong” Road

I have so much energy tonight and it seems as though every little thing is sparking a new idea, connecting thoughts and expanding to new places.

As I sat here scrolling through facebook, I noticed a nice little picture that read “No matter how long we have traveled on the wrong road we can always turn around.”

It’s a sweet thought, very inspiring but the second I read it I heard that little voice in my head laugh. The wrong road? There’s no such thing.

We are meant to be where we are. And while yes, we may have spent time resisting what we most want, the fact is that we’ve chosen this path. How could that possibly be wrong? If you take into account that together this whole world filled with so many people are all co-creators in existence and that every action works in a complicated way to benefit everyone…then how could this be the wrong road? How could I say that any action I’ve made has been wrong when I know that somewhere, some how it has caused a domino effect that has made things the way they are? And if it isn’t better for me, I know it’s made a difference for someone else. But most importantly, that means it CAN be better for me, if I want it to be.

There isn’t a wrong road or a right road. There is the road that you’re on, you just get to decide how well the ride goes. Your thoughts and intentions are your vehicle, your desire the fuel, and your ability to accept this is your momentum. It is your choice whether you’re in a broke down pinto that hits every pot hole or a chrysler that’s smooth as silk. And the best part is, you can upgrade your ride at any time for free.

Everything has lead you to this moment and this moment is exactly where you are meant to be. Embrace that and realize your power in creating your next stop.

Love Letter to Myself

I may do my BOPA reading today, I haven’t since last Monday but I’m not certain. We’ll see when I get done with this. I’m very actively working on self love. I’m further than I could have possibly imagined but there are still little hang ups that are holding me back. One suggestion I remember from a while back was to write a letter to myself. I plan on printing this and hanging it on my wall next to my dream boards so I can see it first thing every morning…but I’m sharing it with you guys first.

- – -

Good Morning Beautiful,

I hope you slept well! And if not, I hope he was worth it ;)

You know I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and I don’t think I tell you often enough just how I feel. I’m amazed watching you, I know you have a hard time seeing it. It’s one of those times when you can’t notice the differences because you’re with the person every day, you only see the drastic changes like hair cuts or really stylish new clothes. But I notice. I notice how you get out of bed every morning and put on a smile even when you don’t completely feel it. I see how you keep pushing for what you want and reaching for your goals. It might seem like day to day life to you, but I’ve been here this whole time and let me tell you, you’ve come a hell of a long way.

I just want you to know that I think that’s awesome. I really respect your ambition. But..I want you to know something else too. I’d love you even if you weren’t busy being so amazing. What you’re doing with your life is only a reflection of who you are and its that person underneath everything that I really love. I love you for your sense of humor and your smile, I love your all too often inappropriate giggles. I love your strength and devotion, your unfaltering loyalty. I love how you refuse to settle even if you’re not sure how to get what you want. I love all those little things that make you, you.

I know sometimes you feel like you aren’t getting anywhere, that you’re alone and no one else understands, but I’m right here with you. I get you. Sometimes its okay to take a step back and catch your breath, especially when you’ve been sprinting so far ahead like you have been lately! It’s scary, I know. There have been soooo many changes lately and some people just couldn’t keep up. But that’s okay too because before you know it, there will be new people who are able to keep up. So don’t let that get you down. You’re getting better at being you every day and that’s really cool too.

Just don’t ever forget it, okay? I love you and always will.

Love,

Me

The Void

My mother passed down this ideology of a void

Only a man can make you whole

Only a man can cram it deep enough that you don’t feel empty

She preached it, not with words but with actions

Crying herself to sleep because he’d left her empty

And she made that void in me too

Chiseled it out with doubts and insecurities

So that I too would need that manly ramming force

Defining my every thought, my actions and motives

How could I ever be whole without a man?

And every time I think I’ve found that missing puzzle piece

I cut the edges of my wound to try and make it fit

But the truth is, there is no void

Only the clawing ruins of self esteem

So tenderly torn to shreds by a mothers misconception

Born from a generation of women only beginning to realize…

Men created the void but never intended to fill it.

BOPA: Day 30 – Love

I’m sitting here nearly in tears but I’m smiling as well. Relationships were always messy with me but this workbook has helped me through two so far. I think the best thing is that it’s helped me to see the positives, even as my heart is breaking right now I’m thankful for the things that this most recent adventure into love has spurred. I should have been writing here during this whole week, the momentum in my life is amazing and I feel things coming to a head all around me. I have started a new blog with one of my best friends, which has unfortunately taken up most of my attention, but there are certain things I only feel comfortable keeping up with here.

With that said…let’s delve into today’s message.

Morning Ritual

As always, Abraham knows just what to say. One of the projects I’ve been working on is recognizing my false beliefs. It wasn’t until I made the complete decision to lose weight that I realized just how many false beliefs I hold onto, and while only a fraction of them relate directly to weight they all seem to fold back on one another. I can attribute this progress to Leslie Hastings and her youtube videos, I’m only on the 5th one so far but I’ve made quite a bit of progress. This goes hand in hand with today’s lesson, but takes it a step further.

Being a psychology student and not yet decided on the nature vs. nurture argument, I do believe that we learn many of our behaviors from our environment. As a child we’re told something is bad, so we grow up believing it is bad. But, how can we be sure if it is really that bad for us? Oh, we believe it is and that idea grows and then the universe adds to that thought and it gets worse. I think the perfect example of this defying natural science and logic comes from my ex-fiance. His father did not eat anything green so my ex didn’t either. He grew up believing that green foods were bad for you, this clearly includes a number of vegetables that are most certainly good for the body. However, he’d get sick every time I tried to get him to eat a salad or anything else that had green veggies. He’d have horrible upset stomach and heartburn and remind me that green food wasn’t good for him.

I’ve done the same thing most of my life, taking those things that were taught to me as a child or seemingly innocent events that caught my eye in some way..and giving power to them. The most horrible thing I was ever told as a child was that I was too ugly and fat to be loved by anyone other than my mother but (and heres the kicker..I was told this at a very young age) there would always be someone willing to fuck me. Needless to say, I’m completely secure in my sexuality. I enjoy sex quite a bit and have no shame when it comes to my sexual appetite, but I’m immediately suspicious of anyone who finds me physically attractive in more than a sexual way. I crave affection but feel unworthy because of my weight, which only adds more thought to the weight I don’t want to have..and well, its not a pretty thing.

But the beautiful thing about all of this is, I have a choice. Even as I’m writing this, I’m feeling my strength returning. I’m recognizing the preferences that this most recent has brought to my attention. I’ve also realized very recently that part of my issue in working the law of attraction is that I’m not completely certain of what I do want. I don’t know all of my preferences. I’ve spent so long focusing on what I DONT want, I hardly know what I do want. So this is where I am and I’m figuring that out. I’m focusing on what I know I do want, I’m learning how to curb my vibration. I’ve learned those little tricks, the subtle ways to turn my mood and see the good in things. I’m feeling better, I’m accomplishing more.

I’m making the choice to be amazing.

Daily Ritual

What I intend to do: Keep up with everything! I am going to keep losing weight. I am going to keep learning what I want. I am going to love myself. I am going to let go of these false beliefs. I’m going to keep going to BOPA and growing, and setting an example and sharing and loving everyone of those beautiful people.

For the Universe to handle: The universe will bring more love into my life by way of new friends and a loving relationship. The universe will support my efforts with tangible results. The universe will be LOUD and CLEAR.

1. Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Eating dinner

I want to accomplish: Stopping when I’m full, being thankful for the food, metabolizing every bit of it into the energy I need

I want to feel: Satisfied, light, happy, filled with joy

2. Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Doing my English assignment

I want to accomplish: Producing A worthy work

I want to feel: Accomplished, satisfied, pleased, comforted

3. Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Making my list of 99 good things

I want to accomplish: Fully realizing just how blessed I am

I want to feel: Happy! Joyful, peaceful, amazed, pleased, blessed!

4. Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Sleeping

I want to accomplish: Sleeping through the night while having meaningful dreams

I want to feel: Rested, energized, peaceful, happy, confident

5. Segment: Tomorrow morning

In this segment I am: Waking up and eating breakfast

I want to accomplish: Giving my body the nourishment it needs to start off the day

I want to feel: Good, awake, full of energy, eager to get to school, focused, happy!

1) I haven’t had the best day, it’s difficult to think about it in terms of what I’ve liked. I liked having a peaceful math lab, I liked seeing my professors smile, its contagious, I liked having Kelly to talk to when I normally would have completely melted down. I did good. I liked how I was able to talk myself through most of it. Even though it wasn’t an official relationship, ending things has never felt good to me and I wanted to cry more than once today. But between myself and Kelly, I recognized what was good about even this situation and easily let go of that pain.

2) I want to feel confident. I want to feel loved and peaceful and happy. I want to have a reason to have and smile. I want to be the reason that I smile. I want to have a loving relationship, I want to have more wonderful and supportive friendships. I want to share myself with others, especially the things I’m learning and doing. I want to have happiness.

3) I’m in an art gallery that is completely unworldly. I’m alone, but there is such a reverence here. It could be a church. But there are framed paintings from floor to ceiling and then even the ceiling is painted. The skill is breathtaking and I feel infinitely small but also so much grander for just being in this place. I’m amazed and nearly in tears are the pure wonder and beauty. Every painting is a life unto itself and I can feel each one, but it isn’t overwhelming.

4) I’m using the same one again. I’m spending the entire amount on moving into my own apartment, getting everything set up the way I want it, buying a few new pieces of furniture and a computer, and keeping the rest to pay bills along the way.

Evening Ritual

You see us, we don’t try too hard to please you. We don’t try to all to please you. We never tell you what we think you want to hear, we always tell you what we know, and you can like it or not, that’s the way it is. We please ourselves, we align with what we know to be and you may join us or not, but you will not keep us from being in concert with that which we are about, you see. We are aligned with Source and that’s what you’re reaching for too.

Talk about nearly being in tears again. Just like my ex and his green-phobia, I was raised to be a pleaser. It is one of the things I struggle with the most because I feel like I need to bend who I am to give way to what others are. This also goes to the very basis of my self worth issues. I recognized that today. In the ‘breakup’ conversation there was a point there the little voice in my mind wanted to say “You’re right. You’re agreeing with the things that I’m feeling and it would be best if we parted ways.” but instead, I reacted out of instinct and emotion, despite clearly hearing that voice even as I acted. I tried to bend over backward to patch things, knowing that if it happened I wouldn’t be happy, but I did it because I didn’t want to hurt him. But by denying myself and my true voice, I only caused both of us that much more pain. I’m not here to ignore myself, I’m not here to make anyone else existence better by giving them an object to manipulate. I’m here to reach my true potential and find happiness in my life.

I’m proud of myself for seeing this. I’m happy that I heard that voice. I’ve always acted out of emotion, out of fear and anxiety. If that voice of reason existed before, I was drowning it out so hard that it didn’t have a chance to be heard. I could have handled things differently today, but I didn’t, and that’s okay. The same thing was ultimately accomplished and in the end it only disrupted my life for a little bit. And I’m going to eat soon, and I’ll feel good about that, and tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling better as well and I have so much to look forward to. I’m starting to trust myself.

About today I liked and enjoyed: Writing this most of all. I enjoyed going to school, I enjoyed getting past that set of problems that I wasn’t sure I could do! I enjoyed taking a different route today too. I enjoyed talking to Kelly. I enjoyed the peace and quite of having the house to myself for several hours. I enjoyed my shower this morning. I enjoyed cuddling with my cat, shes very affectionate today. I enjoyed learning more about myself. I also enjoyed actually being able to curb my emotion, I think this is the first time I’ve actually raised my vibration primarily on my own from something very negative to something much more positive.

I like about myself: that I have the capacity to learn and grown. I like my motivation and inspiration! I like that I am losing weight. I like that I am more confident. I like that I’m reaching for the stars and going after my dreams. I like that I’m accomplishing more than I ever thought possible. I like that my mind is expanding and every day new things are becoming possible. I like that I’m getting away from my reliance on the computer and internet. I like that I feel free and am becoming comfortable in my own skin.

I like about Sion: That he taught me I am worthy of receiving gifts. I like that he spurred my want to lose weight. I like that he has allowed me to trust myself and my gifts even more. I liked that his presence helped me realize my preferences and the lackthereof before. I like that he was a part of my life, for even such a short time.

I like about Kelly: That she is a reflection of who I was, but she is already so much further along in certain ways than I could have dreamed at her age. I like her ideas and her compassionate heart. I love her sense of humor.

I like about Nancy: That she is there for me even when my problems seem insignificant compared to hers. I like that she is really a loving person. I like her quirky sense of humor too and her taste in fashion. I like being around her and her family.

I like about Jessica: I like that I can see part of myself in her too, I can see good and contrasting things and it helps me recognize those things about myself that I like and would like to change. I like that she came into my life at such the perfect time as well and that she is so funny! I like that she’s also so inclined to be a mother and that what I know of her relationship history gives me hope as well.

I like about Ann: That she is such a strong person! I like that she completely gets the self appreciation thing. I love that she wont sacrifice herself for the benefit of others. I like that she is beautiful and confident. I like that shes showing growth too and proving right along side me that the law of attraction is working for all of us.

Learning and Expanding

Roughly two weeks ago I made the declaration that I wanted to be in a relationship. I don’t think I understood why I wanted this so badly at the time, but the universe has done a good job of teaching me a few things in these two short weeks. There was already someone in my life at the time, someone I’d been speaking to for some time but had rather mixed feelings about. There was interest and attraction, but it just..wasn’t happening quickly enough and I put it in my mind that either that needed to hurry up and happen or something better needed to come along. What I thought was something better showed up two days later.

As of this moment I am still in a relationship with this second person. Within a couple of days I knew I wanted him, it was all quite sudden and I was very easily carried away. Mind you, this has taken place entirely online and over the phone, as he lives four hours away. That is a manageable distance, but only being two weeks into this relationship neither of us are in the position to make that happen just yet. But, I didn’t mind and instantly began to recognize the reasons he was brought into my life.

He made me realize that I was still struggling with deep rooted self worth issues. I always told myself it was an issue of pride, that I’m better than that, that I don’t like receiving gifts. But I’ve come to realize these were lies I told myself, starting as a child, to explain why I didn’t have the things I wanted or wasn’t given the things I felt I should have been. I hid behind this strong facade so that I didn’t have to recognize the hurt and isolation because deep down, I believed I didn’t receive these things because I wasn’t worth it. While I can’t say this isn’t or wont be a problem from now on, it was a very startling realization that has caused me to recognize some behaviors that lower my vibration. It is also because of this that I tend to give too much of myself..which leads me to the current, and more important lesson.

I have a very bad habit of centering my life around love interests when they manage to get past my first layers of defense. Sion came into my life very quickly and within a week I was addicted. I loved the feeling he gave me, the attention, the overwhelming joy. I loved the feeling. But that feeling, as over hyped as it was, was completely contingent on him. Now, two weeks in, he isn’t as available or affectionate. His words are pleasing and reassuring but he isn’t there to give me that emotional high and because it happened just as suddenly as he’d come, for two days I was sick with anxiety over whether or not he’d still be a part of my life. I could barely eat or think, I couldn’t focus on school and I was very snappy with my family. All because this person that I don’t really know wasn’t able to give me the same amount of attention he had the week before. This in itself has been a very startling lesson.

While I do still want a relationship and have hopes that Sion and I will last and become something real, I know now it isn’t a relationship that I’m actually seeking. It is fulfillment, because I feel as though my spare time isn’t being used in a way that pleases me. Of course I would love to use all of that time adoring and being adored by someone else, but that isn’t the real basis of a stable relationship. And beyond that, how quickly I’ve become attached to him is frightening.

So, in my confused and unpleasant state I started listening to another of the Abraham recordings. As always, it related to the situation at hand in an unexpected way. It was regarding business, but the discussion could easily be translated into any situation in which ones emotions are based on anothers actions. Which is clearly the case at hand here. I am wobbling because I doubt his place in my life, I am doubting his place because of the change in his attention, and I was so eager to be with him because of his attention. He isn’t the problem here, nor are his actions. The problem is my doubt and my expectations, which are currently built on things that I can’t control. On a side note, I’m also not happy that these wants and expectations have left me feeling shackled to my computer, because I want to be there when he logs on. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way, but its no less frustrating that I’ve done this to myself.

At this very moment, I have to accept there is nothing more that I can do about Sion. Either it will become real, or it wont, and whether or not it does I’ve learned and expanded and feel blessed to know him. What I can do is recognize this void in my life that can’t be filled by another person and decide what I’m going to do with it. My gut says to focus on my health and welcome new friends into my life, both of which I’m willing and wanting to do.

Patience

I’ve stumbled and struggled to write here lately. I’ve started posts at least five different times. But this..I just happened to stumble across this just now. It is exactly what I needed this evening.

BOPA: Day 12 – Love

Let me just say that I’m transitioning to a better place than I was two years ago. I’m still finding it very difficult to stay focused but that sadness has lifted and anxiety is minimal. I’m facing an old problem of feeling overwhelmed and of course my default setting is to just stop. I know that doesn’t make any sense but I don’t know where to start and end up freezing. I’m also struggling with want vs. need. In accordance with my goals and the proper priorities, there are several things I need to do right now. But my wants are a much stronger pull. Doing another day of BOPA seemed like a good idea while I’m stalling with that inner war.

Morning Ritual

Evoking the Perfect Mate

When I first moved back to Houston I was so scared of failing. I convinced myself that nothing could possibly matter other than making sure that I’m in school and making perfect grades. Don’t get me wrong, this is still the most important thing but I’ve lifted it so high that almost every other aspect of my life feels empty. And as you may have noticed…I’ve put a greater emphasis on having a relationship lately.

I’m always so amused. I suppose that is the appropriate reaction right now, but it’ll be nice when the amusement and epiphanies turn into understanding and substantial belief. Abraham describes the perfect mate in such a way I think it would be true for anyone, but the idea that we aren’t seeking to be loved interests me. The proposed thought here is that we are seeking someone to bring about feelings of love within ourselves, which is completely true. I know that there have been those in my life who have loved me but I didn’t love them. If it had been about wanting to BE loved, that would have been enough to satisfy me, but it wasn’t. I do want someone who makes my heart skip a beat, who makes me smile when I think about them, who I want to love and feel loved by in return.

But taking a step back for a moment, I spent so much time setting up this wall when I moved here. I told everyone who would listen – I don’t need anyone, I plan on being alone as long as I’m in school. I even had a tarot reading from a woman I respect quite a bit and she agreed, I wouldn’t be in a relationship as long as I’m in school. I let that truth settle into my being and now I’m struggling against it because now that isn’t what I want. That was a choice made out of fear and a wall built up to protect my insecurities.

I also like the idea of being picky in a positive way. I’m beyond picky, I joke about being shallow at times and call myself a hypocrite because I don’t live up to my own standards. This is something I’ve thought about quite a bit and one of the biggest reasons I want to lose weight, but it hasn’t been enough of a motivator yet. Abraham proposes that we focus on what we like in the person, whether or not there are enough traits to make them a keeper. I’m at fault for looking at the negative – this one has a weird head, this one is too immature, this one is too aggressive. Instead, if I recognize the positive as they pass through my life, then I will be more open and willing to accept all the positives of the next.

Daily Ritual

What I intend to do: Focus on the positive. Curb my negative thoughts. Be more kind to myself (even in the above paragraphs I realize I was more than a little mean). Refocus on my studies and let what comes come. Put intent into what I want for where I am in my life, which is currently that perfect mate.

For the universe to handle: Making next week as calm as possible. Providing me with the opportunity to complete my school work in peace. Bringing to view the perfect mate for me at this moment.

Segmenting again…as of this moment, my only plans for this weekend are to do my school work and possibly go on a day trip with my mother. As long as I’ve been back, the two of us haven’t just gone and done something fun for us. Both things I plan to go into with a positive, productive mindset.

1) I’ve been home all day so I’ve had limited interactions with people today. I like that my aunt will have my grandma for one day this weekend so that I’ll have some quality time with my mother.

2) I want to feel good, I want to feel that there is someone worth having romantic love for. I want moments like those I shared with Carlos yesterday, but more often and less awkward. I want to feel comfortable and happy. I want someone I can call up any time and just talk to, that I can go to their place and just chill.

3) I’m in a hotel with my perfect someone, we’re tangled in the sheets and happy and laughing. It’s a nice hotel but it could be anywhere, the where doesn’t matter. Some nonsense is playing on the tv just to have a little noise, but we’re only distantly aware of it. We’re looking through the room service menu and wondering if theres enough time before it gets to the room…

4) As for my spending..I’d put all of it on a romantic vacation to some island. Possibly Hawaii, maybe somewhere else. I want a hotel on the beach, I want tropic nature trails, hidden waterfalls and brightly colored wildlife.

Evening Ritual

…well it seems like I fell asleep before I could do the evening ritual! No outstanding dreams for me last night, but I might as well post this anyway.

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