Capricious by Nature

Me in all my wonderful glory.

BOPA: Day 30 – Love

I’m sitting here nearly in tears but I’m smiling as well. Relationships were always messy with me but this workbook has helped me through two so far. I think the best thing is that it’s helped me to see the positives, even as my heart is breaking right now I’m thankful for the things that this most recent adventure into love has spurred. I should have been writing here during this whole week, the momentum in my life is amazing and I feel things coming to a head all around me. I have started a new blog with one of my best friends, which has unfortunately taken up most of my attention, but there are certain things I only feel comfortable keeping up with here.

With that said…let’s delve into today’s message.

Morning Ritual

As always, Abraham knows just what to say. One of the projects I’ve been working on is recognizing my false beliefs. It wasn’t until I made the complete decision to lose weight that I realized just how many false beliefs I hold onto, and while only a fraction of them relate directly to weight they all seem to fold back on one another. I can attribute this progress to Leslie Hastings and her youtube videos, I’m only on the 5th one so far but I’ve made quite a bit of progress. This goes hand in hand with today’s lesson, but takes it a step further.

Being a psychology student and not yet decided on the nature vs. nurture argument, I do believe that we learn many of our behaviors from our environment. As a child we’re told something is bad, so we grow up believing it is bad. But, how can we be sure if it is really that bad for us? Oh, we believe it is and that idea grows and then the universe adds to that thought and it gets worse. I think the perfect example of this defying natural science and logic comes from my ex-fiance. His father did not eat anything green so my ex didn’t either. He grew up believing that green foods were bad for you, this clearly includes a number of vegetables that are most certainly good for the body. However, he’d get sick every time I tried to get him to eat a salad or anything else that had green veggies. He’d have horrible upset stomach and heartburn and remind me that green food wasn’t good for him.

I’ve done the same thing most of my life, taking those things that were taught to me as a child or seemingly innocent events that caught my eye in some way..and giving power to them. The most horrible thing I was ever told as a child was that I was too ugly and fat to be loved by anyone other than my mother but (and heres the kicker..I was told this at a very young age) there would always be someone willing to fuck me. Needless to say, I’m completely secure in my sexuality. I enjoy sex quite a bit and have no shame when it comes to my sexual appetite, but I’m immediately suspicious of anyone who finds me physically attractive in more than a sexual way. I crave affection but feel unworthy because of my weight, which only adds more thought to the weight I don’t want to have..and well, its not a pretty thing.

But the beautiful thing about all of this is, I have a choice. Even as I’m writing this, I’m feeling my strength returning. I’m recognizing the preferences that this most recent has brought to my attention. I’ve also realized very recently that part of my issue in working the law of attraction is that I’m not completely certain of what I do want. I don’t know all of my preferences. I’ve spent so long focusing on what I DONT want, I hardly know what I do want. So this is where I am and I’m figuring that out. I’m focusing on what I know I do want, I’m learning how to curb my vibration. I’ve learned those little tricks, the subtle ways to turn my mood and see the good in things. I’m feeling better, I’m accomplishing more.

I’m making the choice to be amazing.

Daily Ritual

What I intend to do: Keep up with everything! I am going to keep losing weight. I am going to keep learning what I want. I am going to love myself. I am going to let go of these false beliefs. I’m going to keep going to BOPA and growing, and setting an example and sharing and loving everyone of those beautiful people.

For the Universe to handle: The universe will bring more love into my life by way of new friends and a loving relationship. The universe will support my efforts with tangible results. The universe will be LOUD and CLEAR.

1. Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Eating dinner

I want to accomplish: Stopping when I’m full, being thankful for the food, metabolizing every bit of it into the energy I need

I want to feel: Satisfied, light, happy, filled with joy

2. Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Doing my English assignment

I want to accomplish: Producing A worthy work

I want to feel: Accomplished, satisfied, pleased, comforted

3. Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Making my list of 99 good things

I want to accomplish: Fully realizing just how blessed I am

I want to feel: Happy! Joyful, peaceful, amazed, pleased, blessed!

4. Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Sleeping

I want to accomplish: Sleeping through the night while having meaningful dreams

I want to feel: Rested, energized, peaceful, happy, confident

5. Segment: Tomorrow morning

In this segment I am: Waking up and eating breakfast

I want to accomplish: Giving my body the nourishment it needs to start off the day

I want to feel: Good, awake, full of energy, eager to get to school, focused, happy!

1) I haven’t had the best day, it’s difficult to think about it in terms of what I’ve liked. I liked having a peaceful math lab, I liked seeing my professors smile, its contagious, I liked having Kelly to talk to when I normally would have completely melted down. I did good. I liked how I was able to talk myself through most of it. Even though it wasn’t an official relationship, ending things has never felt good to me and I wanted to cry more than once today. But between myself and Kelly, I recognized what was good about even this situation and easily let go of that pain.

2) I want to feel confident. I want to feel loved and peaceful and happy. I want to have a reason to have and smile. I want to be the reason that I smile. I want to have a loving relationship, I want to have more wonderful and supportive friendships. I want to share myself with others, especially the things I’m learning and doing. I want to have happiness.

3) I’m in an art gallery that is completely unworldly. I’m alone, but there is such a reverence here. It could be a church. But there are framed paintings from floor to ceiling and then even the ceiling is painted. The skill is breathtaking and I feel infinitely small but also so much grander for just being in this place. I’m amazed and nearly in tears are the pure wonder and beauty. Every painting is a life unto itself and I can feel each one, but it isn’t overwhelming.

4) I’m using the same one again. I’m spending the entire amount on moving into my own apartment, getting everything set up the way I want it, buying a few new pieces of furniture and a computer, and keeping the rest to pay bills along the way.

Evening Ritual

You see us, we don’t try too hard to please you. We don’t try to all to please you. We never tell you what we think you want to hear, we always tell you what we know, and you can like it or not, that’s the way it is. We please ourselves, we align with what we know to be and you may join us or not, but you will not keep us from being in concert with that which we are about, you see. We are aligned with Source and that’s what you’re reaching for too.

Talk about nearly being in tears again. Just like my ex and his green-phobia, I was raised to be a pleaser. It is one of the things I struggle with the most because I feel like I need to bend who I am to give way to what others are. This also goes to the very basis of my self worth issues. I recognized that today. In the ‘breakup’ conversation there was a point there the little voice in my mind wanted to say “You’re right. You’re agreeing with the things that I’m feeling and it would be best if we parted ways.” but instead, I reacted out of instinct and emotion, despite clearly hearing that voice even as I acted. I tried to bend over backward to patch things, knowing that if it happened I wouldn’t be happy, but I did it because I didn’t want to hurt him. But by denying myself and my true voice, I only caused both of us that much more pain. I’m not here to ignore myself, I’m not here to make anyone else existence better by giving them an object to manipulate. I’m here to reach my true potential and find happiness in my life.

I’m proud of myself for seeing this. I’m happy that I heard that voice. I’ve always acted out of emotion, out of fear and anxiety. If that voice of reason existed before, I was drowning it out so hard that it didn’t have a chance to be heard. I could have handled things differently today, but I didn’t, and that’s okay. The same thing was ultimately accomplished and in the end it only disrupted my life for a little bit. And I’m going to eat soon, and I’ll feel good about that, and tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling better as well and I have so much to look forward to. I’m starting to trust myself.

About today I liked and enjoyed: Writing this most of all. I enjoyed going to school, I enjoyed getting past that set of problems that I wasn’t sure I could do! I enjoyed taking a different route today too. I enjoyed talking to Kelly. I enjoyed the peace and quite of having the house to myself for several hours. I enjoyed my shower this morning. I enjoyed cuddling with my cat, shes very affectionate today. I enjoyed learning more about myself. I also enjoyed actually being able to curb my emotion, I think this is the first time I’ve actually raised my vibration primarily on my own from something very negative to something much more positive.

I like about myself: that I have the capacity to learn and grown. I like my motivation and inspiration! I like that I am losing weight. I like that I am more confident. I like that I’m reaching for the stars and going after my dreams. I like that I’m accomplishing more than I ever thought possible. I like that my mind is expanding and every day new things are becoming possible. I like that I’m getting away from my reliance on the computer and internet. I like that I feel free and am becoming comfortable in my own skin.

I like about Sion: That he taught me I am worthy of receiving gifts. I like that he spurred my want to lose weight. I like that he has allowed me to trust myself and my gifts even more. I liked that his presence helped me realize my preferences and the lackthereof before. I like that he was a part of my life, for even such a short time.

I like about Kelly: That she is a reflection of who I was, but she is already so much further along in certain ways than I could have dreamed at her age. I like her ideas and her compassionate heart. I love her sense of humor.

I like about Nancy: That she is there for me even when my problems seem insignificant compared to hers. I like that she is really a loving person. I like her quirky sense of humor too and her taste in fashion. I like being around her and her family.

I like about Jessica: I like that I can see part of myself in her too, I can see good and contrasting things and it helps me recognize those things about myself that I like and would like to change. I like that she came into my life at such the perfect time as well and that she is so funny! I like that she’s also so inclined to be a mother and that what I know of her relationship history gives me hope as well.

I like about Ann: That she is such a strong person! I like that she completely gets the self appreciation thing. I love that she wont sacrifice herself for the benefit of others. I like that she is beautiful and confident. I like that shes showing growth too and proving right along side me that the law of attraction is working for all of us.

Learning and Expanding

Roughly two weeks ago I made the declaration that I wanted to be in a relationship. I don’t think I understood why I wanted this so badly at the time, but the universe has done a good job of teaching me a few things in these two short weeks. There was already someone in my life at the time, someone I’d been speaking to for some time but had rather mixed feelings about. There was interest and attraction, but it just..wasn’t happening quickly enough and I put it in my mind that either that needed to hurry up and happen or something better needed to come along. What I thought was something better showed up two days later.

As of this moment I am still in a relationship with this second person. Within a couple of days I knew I wanted him, it was all quite sudden and I was very easily carried away. Mind you, this has taken place entirely online and over the phone, as he lives four hours away. That is a manageable distance, but only being two weeks into this relationship neither of us are in the position to make that happen just yet. But, I didn’t mind and instantly began to recognize the reasons he was brought into my life.

He made me realize that I was still struggling with deep rooted self worth issues. I always told myself it was an issue of pride, that I’m better than that, that I don’t like receiving gifts. But I’ve come to realize these were lies I told myself, starting as a child, to explain why I didn’t have the things I wanted or wasn’t given the things I felt I should have been. I hid behind this strong facade so that I didn’t have to recognize the hurt and isolation because deep down, I believed I didn’t receive these things because I wasn’t worth it. While I can’t say this isn’t or wont be a problem from now on, it was a very startling realization that has caused me to recognize some behaviors that lower my vibration. It is also because of this that I tend to give too much of myself..which leads me to the current, and more important lesson.

I have a very bad habit of centering my life around love interests when they manage to get past my first layers of defense. Sion came into my life very quickly and within a week I was addicted. I loved the feeling he gave me, the attention, the overwhelming joy. I loved the feeling. But that feeling, as over hyped as it was, was completely contingent on him. Now, two weeks in, he isn’t as available or affectionate. His words are pleasing and reassuring but he isn’t there to give me that emotional high and because it happened just as suddenly as he’d come, for two days I was sick with anxiety over whether or not he’d still be a part of my life. I could barely eat or think, I couldn’t focus on school and I was very snappy with my family. All because this person that I don’t really know wasn’t able to give me the same amount of attention he had the week before. This in itself has been a very startling lesson.

While I do still want a relationship and have hopes that Sion and I will last and become something real, I know now it isn’t a relationship that I’m actually seeking. It is fulfillment, because I feel as though my spare time isn’t being used in a way that pleases me. Of course I would love to use all of that time adoring and being adored by someone else, but that isn’t the real basis of a stable relationship. And beyond that, how quickly I’ve become attached to him is frightening.

So, in my confused and unpleasant state I started listening to another of the Abraham recordings. As always, it related to the situation at hand in an unexpected way. It was regarding business, but the discussion could easily be translated into any situation in which ones emotions are based on anothers actions. Which is clearly the case at hand here. I am wobbling because I doubt his place in my life, I am doubting his place because of the change in his attention, and I was so eager to be with him because of his attention. He isn’t the problem here, nor are his actions. The problem is my doubt and my expectations, which are currently built on things that I can’t control. On a side note, I’m also not happy that these wants and expectations have left me feeling shackled to my computer, because I want to be there when he logs on. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way, but its no less frustrating that I’ve done this to myself.

At this very moment, I have to accept there is nothing more that I can do about Sion. Either it will become real, or it wont, and whether or not it does I’ve learned and expanded and feel blessed to know him. What I can do is recognize this void in my life that can’t be filled by another person and decide what I’m going to do with it. My gut says to focus on my health and welcome new friends into my life, both of which I’m willing and wanting to do.

Patience

I’ve stumbled and struggled to write here lately. I’ve started posts at least five different times. But this..I just happened to stumble across this just now. It is exactly what I needed this evening.

BOPA: Day 12 – Love

Let me just say that I’m transitioning to a better place than I was two years ago. I’m still finding it very difficult to stay focused but that sadness has lifted and anxiety is minimal. I’m facing an old problem of feeling overwhelmed and of course my default setting is to just stop. I know that doesn’t make any sense but I don’t know where to start and end up freezing. I’m also struggling with want vs. need. In accordance with my goals and the proper priorities, there are several things I need to do right now. But my wants are a much stronger pull. Doing another day of BOPA seemed like a good idea while I’m stalling with that inner war.

Morning Ritual

Evoking the Perfect Mate

When I first moved back to Houston I was so scared of failing. I convinced myself that nothing could possibly matter other than making sure that I’m in school and making perfect grades. Don’t get me wrong, this is still the most important thing but I’ve lifted it so high that almost every other aspect of my life feels empty. And as you may have noticed…I’ve put a greater emphasis on having a relationship lately.

I’m always so amused. I suppose that is the appropriate reaction right now, but it’ll be nice when the amusement and epiphanies turn into understanding and substantial belief. Abraham describes the perfect mate in such a way I think it would be true for anyone, but the idea that we aren’t seeking to be loved interests me. The proposed thought here is that we are seeking someone to bring about feelings of love within ourselves, which is completely true. I know that there have been those in my life who have loved me but I didn’t love them. If it had been about wanting to BE loved, that would have been enough to satisfy me, but it wasn’t. I do want someone who makes my heart skip a beat, who makes me smile when I think about them, who I want to love and feel loved by in return.

But taking a step back for a moment, I spent so much time setting up this wall when I moved here. I told everyone who would listen – I don’t need anyone, I plan on being alone as long as I’m in school. I even had a tarot reading from a woman I respect quite a bit and she agreed, I wouldn’t be in a relationship as long as I’m in school. I let that truth settle into my being and now I’m struggling against it because now that isn’t what I want. That was a choice made out of fear and a wall built up to protect my insecurities.

I also like the idea of being picky in a positive way. I’m beyond picky, I joke about being shallow at times and call myself a hypocrite because I don’t live up to my own standards. This is something I’ve thought about quite a bit and one of the biggest reasons I want to lose weight, but it hasn’t been enough of a motivator yet. Abraham proposes that we focus on what we like in the person, whether or not there are enough traits to make them a keeper. I’m at fault for looking at the negative – this one has a weird head, this one is too immature, this one is too aggressive. Instead, if I recognize the positive as they pass through my life, then I will be more open and willing to accept all the positives of the next.

Daily Ritual

What I intend to do: Focus on the positive. Curb my negative thoughts. Be more kind to myself (even in the above paragraphs I realize I was more than a little mean). Refocus on my studies and let what comes come. Put intent into what I want for where I am in my life, which is currently that perfect mate.

For the universe to handle: Making next week as calm as possible. Providing me with the opportunity to complete my school work in peace. Bringing to view the perfect mate for me at this moment.

Segmenting again…as of this moment, my only plans for this weekend are to do my school work and possibly go on a day trip with my mother. As long as I’ve been back, the two of us haven’t just gone and done something fun for us. Both things I plan to go into with a positive, productive mindset.

1) I’ve been home all day so I’ve had limited interactions with people today. I like that my aunt will have my grandma for one day this weekend so that I’ll have some quality time with my mother.

2) I want to feel good, I want to feel that there is someone worth having romantic love for. I want moments like those I shared with Carlos yesterday, but more often and less awkward. I want to feel comfortable and happy. I want someone I can call up any time and just talk to, that I can go to their place and just chill.

3) I’m in a hotel with my perfect someone, we’re tangled in the sheets and happy and laughing. It’s a nice hotel but it could be anywhere, the where doesn’t matter. Some nonsense is playing on the tv just to have a little noise, but we’re only distantly aware of it. We’re looking through the room service menu and wondering if theres enough time before it gets to the room…

4) As for my spending..I’d put all of it on a romantic vacation to some island. Possibly Hawaii, maybe somewhere else. I want a hotel on the beach, I want tropic nature trails, hidden waterfalls and brightly colored wildlife.

Evening Ritual

…well it seems like I fell asleep before I could do the evening ritual! No outstanding dreams for me last night, but I might as well post this anyway.

BOPA: Day 10 – Health

Before I even begin reading this, I think it’s good that I’ve returned on a ‘health’ day. I’ve felt that codependent pull lately. I realize that I haven’t been taking care of myself the way I promised and I have to apologize for that. I know I deserve more than worry and anxiety over something that at this moment doesn’t exist. I’m returning to the now and returning to myself.

Morning Ritual

Can I just start laughing now? How many times to do I have to tell myself there is nothing accidental about this. As much as I would like to work this book every day, it simply isn’t needed. There are many days that I don’t NEED these reminders or that these lessons just wont provide me with what is intended. I’ve often found that when I’ve tried to force it..and then go back to it more naturally later, I come to a completely different understanding. And then there are days like this. I haven’t worked BOPA in over a week. We started over on Day 1 on Monday of last week, making today the 10th.

And my little disclaimer above, the grief that I’m clinging to so desperately right now, it made me laugh. I’d rather not go into much detail, but as usual it pertains to my love life. There is a person that I’ve had very conflicting feelings about for some time now, but I’ve grown to desire him quite a bit and am worried that he isn’t nearly as interested in me as I am in him. And while I’ve enjoyed myself with him, I find myself focusing on the more negative thoughts and hoping they aren’t true than telling myself: be happy, enjoy him when you can, and keep your focus on school!

So when you say “I want more money, I don’t want debt” you’re actually including two contradictory vibrations within your vibration. 

Do you see now? Are you giggling with me yet? Will anyone bonk my head and tell me I should have had a V8?

I’ve been reminding myself of the lessons of another day and tried to calm myself with that. The notion that as long as we are on odds vibrationally, we will be kept apart. I don’t mean for this to be so focused on the newly proposed ‘him’, but just in general. I desire companionship, but am afraid of abandonment, judgement and a whole list of other ‘ment’s that are making my intention all fuzzy. It’s a true thought that I wont have what I want as long as I’m not aligned and prepared to receive, but I have to put in the effort to make myself aligned with the vibration of my desires. I can’t muddle it up with the things I don’t want. I need to stop my thoughts at “I want to enjoy him” or “I want companionship”.

Daily Ritual

I didn’t start this in the morning, but I probably should spend time smiling. I did meditate of my own accord earlier. I’ve felt out of sorts for a few days now and haven’t had a real reason, I’ve felt sad but in a very distant sort of way. I meditated to try to clear that out. That meditation is what sparked the want to check in on BOPA.

What I Intend to do: I intend to make a more conscious effort to monitor my thoughts and cut them off before the “but” and the “I don’t wants”. I intend to refocus myself on things that I enjoy. I also intend to start writing my BoS. I intend to straighten out the vibration of my desires! I also intend to make all A’s on my assignments for the first two weeks of school.

For the Universe to Handle: The universe will provide me with the perfect companionship for this time in my life. It will ensure there isn’t a problem with my transportation to and from school. It will make sure I am financially provided for. I would also like a fun event to come up that I can go to, something to get me out of the house and around people that I can enjoy.

 

I’d rather not do the scripting part. I’m still not comfortable with it. Beyond that, the only thing I’m aware of happening in my near future is going to class tomorrow, which I intend to be positive and productive every day as it is.

 

1) What is bothering me? I suppose they’re normal things. It’s funny because the negative thoughts don’t easily raise to the surface any more, I don’t feel that mean little devil poking at me with these questions. But when I ask..they arise so that I can look at them. I don’t want to be alone any longer. I want a partner that I can be comfortable with and enjoy. I am upset that I can only find one or the other..either a playmate or a friend. I worry that there isn’t someone that ‘fits’ with me. So how do I want to feel? I want to feel completely comfortable and accepted by another person, not just by myself. I want to feel in love, not just loved. I want to be happy.

2) What do I want to have? I can’t believe I’m saying this, I’ve been so careful to avoid the word, but I want a boyfriend!

3) It’s fall, a forest somewhere north. I’m sitting on a rock and I feel like I’m in my own little world. I don’t think I’m alone or far from others, but right then it doesn’t matter. I can hear a creek near by, the water rushing, but I can’t see it. All I can see are trees and leaves falling all around me, coating the ground in bright golds, oranges and red.

4) $10,000…well, lets see. Right now I’d really like some new clothes, I keep oogling goth and steampunk style things. I could easily spend at least 2k on that, building an entirely new wardrobe. I’d also like to start making clothes again, so I’ll invest $500 to start off with a new sewing machine, cloth and an assortment of tools. After a new gaming computer..I’d put the rest into savings.

Evening Ritual

Does anyone else have a hard time with the thought of “owning your emotions”? I’ve told friends that it’s okay to be sad or angry or any other emotion we can possibly express, but no one really wants to feel that way and I’ve never had an answer for how to get out of it..other than just wait. Time will make it better. Eventually we’ll feel better. I’ve been sad for a few days now, mixed in with the anxious and tired and everything else. But the sad has really stood out because I have no reason to be sad. Nothing is going wrong with my life, I have no real concerns. I have every reason to be happy and as an over all view of my life, I suppose I am happy, but right here in this moment I feel sad. I am ready to cry every time something sad happens on a TV show. I feel myself tearing up for no reason…

Of course I want to be happy. But I really do like what this evening ritual has to say. Abraham explains that there are times when happiness isn’t possible. I like the way it’s worded, the build up is perfect, but in a much shorter way of putting it – sometimes we just can’t be happy. Yet, there is a method given for moving forward. We have a range of feelings available to us at any given moment. In many ways I see this as the idea of choices that I love so much. You have the choice of reaction, how you react and how you process events happening around you. So when you’re in a particular situation, you have the choice to be very upset or not so upset and of course the best thing to do is to not be so upset. It is the best feeling available to you at that time and will move you further along the range of emotions until happiness is in view. 

Maybe right now I can’t be happy. I’ve let so many negative thoughts overwhelm me that I’ve created a space of time where happiness isn’t available. But I’m aware of that now, I’m aware of what I need to do and how to do it so as I move forward, happiness will become available again. As it is, I’m smiling just knowing that another problem has been solved and that I feel I’ve gotten the perfect little nudge to send me back on my way.

 

About today I enjoyed: I enjoyed waking up before my alarm (despite hitting the snooze twice), it always feels so much better when I wake up on my own. I liked the way my hair was today. I enjoyed my history lecture as much as possible and liked how easy my English class was. I really enjoyed coming home to an empty house and having some time to myself. I liked having that privacy to meditate and then take a much needed cat nap. I liked talking to Kelly earlier, she made me laugh. I also liked being able to share today’s lesson with Nancy, who needed it just as much as I did.

I like about myself: I like my ambition and drive, as well as my adaptability. I love the fact that I’m alive and that so much potential is ahead of me. I’m constantly amazed at myself, even if they start out as “duh!” moments, I feel like I catch on quickly and make changes in myself that need to be made for myself

I like about Nancy: I like that she refuses to give up. She is a real friend to me and such a wonderful mother. I like her sense of humor and that shes a little odd. I like that shes so laid back most of the time. I also like the fact that I can say anything to her and never feel judgment, I can tell her that I’m sad and she doesn’t get concerned..she is just there with me while I’m sad.

I like about Kelly: I admire her view on the world, it is so very different than my own. I like that she is still able to get lost in the fantasy, that shes so easily swept away by things. I see part of myself in her, things that I’ve done and learned from and things that I still need to learn. She is like a walking lesson for me and at the same time, shes a friend who has stood by me for years.

I like about college: So many things! I mean, I’m not as involved as I hope to be when I transfer to the actual university, but I love my classes, I enjoy my professors and most of all..the whole reaching my goals thing is pretty damn amazing.

I like about this week: I love that someone else is taking care of my grandma this week. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. This is the best way to start the semester. Later on, I’ll be more comfortable with her here while I study and do my work, but having this first week to rest and take it easy makes a whole world of difference.

I like about Jason: I almost feel as though I shouldn’t write this. I didn’t spend a great deal of time with him, but he makes me smile. First of all, he reminded me what mind blowing sex was like. That on its own should earn him a medal. But beyond that, he was and has been an unexpected friend. I like his sense of humor. I like that his ambition mirrors my own, even though he is much further down the path than me. I feel like he is a perfect example of where I want my life to be in the coming years. It isn’t often that I can say I admire someone, especially someone that should have just been a one night stand, but I do admire him.

 

I do want to dream tonight…but I want to solve something. I want to figure out why I keep dreaming of my Granny Elma’s house. It’s more than a little eerie and I always wake up feeling confused and a little upset.

Turning of the Wheel

Since my first little peek into Wicca, I’ve enjoyed the idea of the year being like a wheel. Time doesn’t end, it cycles constantly. I struggled with the idea of years as a child and to some degree still do. I’ve never lived in an area with prominent seasons. But time keeps flowing. I’ve made certain markers, certain times of the year that remind me of certain things and I’m realizing that my wheel of time has nearly come full circle.

It’s been nearly a year since I moved back to Houston, which seems completely unbelievable. I find myself still telling others that I just moved back. That I’ve spent the last few years in Florida. Time has flown insanely fast and I’m caught up in this whirlwind that seems to be carrying me in the right direction. I still feel it after a year, that excitement, that understanding of a purpose and growth. It’s funny that I’ve also realized that I’ve done a bit of personal house cleaning just as this year was coming to an end for me. It hurts to let certain things (and people) go but I know that by letting go of old habits I’m allowing room for greater things in my life.

I’m proud of myself. I can’t think of a single time that I thought anything remotely like that while I was in Florida, or even years before then. I genuinely like the person that I am now. Hell, I love the person that I am now. I still get down about my weight from time to time, but either I’ll do something about it or I’ll learn to love that too. But it is amazing to actually look in the mirror and smile – not a forced smile but a smile that I love what I see, who I am and what I’m doing!

I’ve made and lost friends this year. I’ve met new people, I’ve seen new things, I’ve been to new places. I’m growing and expanding and abundance is all around me. I’m so thankful that I came back in time to see my grandfather before he passed away. I was always so terrified of not seeing him again when I was in Florida, almost every time I got an unexpected call from family in Texas I thought it would be news about my grandparents. I dreaded it. Losing him wasn’t easy, but knowing that I was here for his last few months is a gift that I’ll always cherish.

My zeal for school hasn’t diminished. Of course there have been days that I’ve felt overwhelmed. I’ve had little hiccups and have made mistakes, but I’ve also found the most wonderful sources of encouragement. I never expected the relationship I have with my mother now, before I moved here I was terrified that it would be exactly the same. It isn’t perfect by any means, but its becoming more difficult to remember the bad things. And being lead to the Living Tree Wellness Center..that was nothing short of fate. I’m not as involved there as I would like to be, but meeting people who are doing exactly what I want to do when I have my degree is just amazing. I knew what I wanted..but I felt so unsure, I’d never heard of anyone practicing a mixture of spiritual guidance and psychology outside of churches (and that I wouldn’t call real psychology). Of course that isn’t all they do there, and that isn’t what I’ve been involved in there, but simply knowing that the practice exists has boosted my confidence and determination ten fold.

My confidence in myself has lifted too. If pre-college me had seen my current wardrobe, hair cut or make up choices..woowee, let me tell you. I would have laughed, I’d have been ashamed to be seen in any of it. Of course there is still a little nagging voice in the back of my head sometimes, “what will other people think?!” but I shrug, take another look and ask myself what I think. If its anything other than “I look damn good”, I go ahead and change..but that rarely happens these days.

I do have to attribute some of my current happiness with working the law of attraction. I know I need to get back to writing about that more often, to working it more on a daily basis, but it isn’t just about the work book or getting what I want. I’m starting to see things in a different way. I’m understanding the world differently. So many things seem like they should be completely common sense! But I was so tied up in the contrast that I was raised in to realize the truth all around me. I feel like a more loving person, I’m less upset by things, my anxiety level has gone down soooo much. It is a daily practice, there are so many things I have to constantly remind myself about, but letting go of control has been the greatest thing for me. Which I think is pretty funny given that the law of attraction is focused on receiving everything you need/want…yet it takes giving up that need to control everything in order for it to happen. I couldn’t even begin to explain the lessons I’ve learned and the gifts I’ve been given..and the deeper understanding I have of myself now. And the best part about it is, I’ve only just scratched the surface.

I know I’m on the right path. I’ve reached a level of optimism I never imagined possible. Not unrealistically optimistic, but I’m rarely stressed. I see the silver lining all but instantly and find myself amused and laughing at how everything has worked out. My mantra of “Be here. Now.” has taken on a different meaning as well, not simply something that allows me to focus on the task at hand, but also reminds me that happiness is here in the now, not just in the future when I’ve reached my goals.

Removed

Well, my BOPA plans haven’t happened again. I will make it through the booklet at one point but I’m not upset that it isn’t happening at the moment. It isn’t an issue of conviction, but I am on vacation afterall. I could make the time to reflect, to ponder and to grow based on these teachings but I’m too busy enjoying myself. For the most part at least. I had one night of homesickness, but it was more than that. This knowing and understanding is so much more difficult for me at this time in my life than I could have ever expected.

It is proving especially difficult for me to let go of others chaos. I feel like I’m holding the secrets to happiness and everyone else around me refuses to listen. I mean, I’m not going out of my way to share these “secrets” with most people I’m around, they aren’t willing to listen any more than they are to change their lives. I’m just completely dumbfounded that anyone would be willing to submit themselves to these hardships.

I feel removed. I want to shake them and wake them up and make them understand that they don’t have to suffer. I know I shouldn’t. I know this is only distressing me and causing ME to feel negativity. I shouldn’t put this upon myself, but considering this is the only negativity in my life at the moment I have to believe that I’m making progress. I’m still just..in disbelief.

I am removed. But I need to let go. In the mean time, I am enjoying the new tools I’ve gained. This is proving to be a VERY beneficial trip. I have so many new crystals, a set of coins that I can practice I-ching with and even a Kabbalah oracle deck. Call me a little eclectic, but this makes me happy.

BOPA: Day 4 – Health

Morning Ritual

I’ve put quite a bit of thought into the power of belief lately. It’s something that I’ve always felt drawn to, but the notion felt like pure fantasy until lately. I always imagined a fictitious world where anything was possible, so long as anyone believed in it. I also had the notion of the Gods power being based on belief, then I read American Gods and the idea became even more firmly rooted, even though that is clearly fiction.

But now I’m faced with the fact that this notion of belief isn’t fiction. Today’s reading hit on a few things that are already supported by my current actions but again, it is good to be reminded. I cannot stand the tricks of media, I can’t even bring myself to watch the news. When I actually want to know something, I research it, I read the laws, I go to the sources. That doesn’t happen all that often, but when I feel that urge to know I can’t bring myself to trust any TV or radio show, regardless of how reputable they claim to be.

So what does this have to do with health? The mis-belief in ailments and age. I’m stuck on this too, something I need to let go of, but I’m coming to a point that I’m starting to be scared of what I’m going to get because I’m bound to at some point..because my family has a history or because of some statistic. But do you see that right there, even my own wording! I’m bound to. I’ve bound myself to the belief that is what will happen. But it doesn’t have to and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I wont have to deal with any of it, because frankly I don’t want to be ill. Who does?

What I Intend to do: Continue to bless my food before I eat it. Eat everything with happiness. Allow myself to be happy, allow myself to be the conduit for that positive flow I looove to feel. I also intend to dismiss the idea of illness.

For the Universe to handle: Everything, can I just leave it at that? Things seem to go so much more smoothly when I take away the need to control and leave it to the universe. But I’ll make an attempt at being specific – happiness, let it flow abundantly. Let us sigh in relief and comfort and joy and love. Let that energy flow around us strongly enough that it cant be ignored.

Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Sleeping!

I want to accomplish: Getting a good nights sleep

I want to feel: Happy and rested

Segment: Tomorrow morning

In this segment I am: Riding through Florida

I want to accomplish: Getting to Boca safely and in a good mood

I want to feel: Comfortable, relaxed and patient

Segment: Tomorrow evening

In this segment I am: Settling into my dads house

I want to accomplish: Feeling at home

I want to feel: Relaxed, loved and welcomed

Segment: Tomorrow night

In this segment I am: BOPA-ing

I want to accomplish: Day 5 exercises

I want to feel: Inspired and empowered

Daily Ritual

1) What is bothering me? Emotionally, I’m much more stable than I was over the last two days. Physically, my back, legs and feet hurt and are tired. I say this is because of everything I was doing today, but I have to wonder if this is true. I wasn’t in pain until I settled down for the evening, when my mind was no longer occupied with other things and I started to assess my day. Could it be that I justified this physical pain because being in my condition means I should feel pain? And how do I want to feel? Happy of course, and not in any sort of pain!

2) What do I want to have? I’d still like a good lay lol but more than that, a massage would be wonderful. I think its just the trust and physical touch more than the release of tension in my muscles that sounds nice. I want to be pampered physically.

3) I’m floating down a river running through the mountains. There are other people, knowing this is comforting, but I might as well be in a world of my own. The water is moving at a steady pace and there are tall trees towering over the river, hiding the sunlight for periods of time, letting it shine down on me in warm patches before moving me along. I don’t know where I’m going or how long I’ve been floating down the river, but I don’t care. The water is so cold, it feels so good on such a hot day! I don’t ever want to get out.

4) Today I have $4,000 to spend. I would put $1,000 aside to ensure that I could get at least one mani-pedi every month for the rest of the year. I’d use another $1,000 for laser hair removal on a few places. And the remaining amount a good work out machine I could use at home.

Evening Ritual

Opps! I wrote on this as part of my morning ritual. I read both sections earlier in the day but didn’t get to sit down and write until just now. But can I just say, I really dislike alot of public media? When I had my own apartment, I didn’t even have a TV. I had a netflix account for the times that I wanted to relax and just watch something entertaining.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy a good movie or TV show. I’ve watched countless seasons of so many different types of shows. I love a good story. I enjoy reading for the exact same reason, sometimes its nice to be told a story. I think a good story, whether its a book or a TV show, SHOULD invoke some sort of emotions. However, this isn’t to say I want to allow these things to dictate how I feel or who I am.

“As you are an observer of life, whatever you are observing dictates the vibration that you practice. As you are a creator of life, you deliberately choose what you observe in order to affect the vibration.”

This I do find interesting though, and I’ll stay on this idea of movies and TV for a moment longer. I think this ties into why people have such strong tastes in shows and movies. Comedy makes us laugh, it causes a feeling of happiness. Romantic movies stir about longing and love. There are categories of movies for each emotion. You know what you’re getting when you start watching something and thats generally why these things are watched. A desire to feel differently, or to support those things that you’re already feeling. The point here is, you don’t need any of that to change how you feel. You can do that for yourself better than anyone else can. This is for everything from emotion to physical issues.

 

BOPA: Day 3 – Love

It has been a very long day of driving and the before mentioned tension is still present but it has been great! I don’t often speak about my personal spiritual practices, beyond new discoveries and so on but since I started back to college I’ve called on Athena many times. Although my ties are very clearly made with the Nordic pantheon, I can’t deny that I’ve always felt a calling to several roman/greek Goddesses. Today, we went to the Parthenon in Nashville. I wasn’t aware of its existence, but there was a page about it in the hotel book of local attractions. Luckily it wasn’t all that far from where we were saying..let me just say wow! It was such a powerfully spiritual adventure for me, dancing with images of the future temples I’d love to help create. I also now have an Athena figurine for my alter, which in itself has made this entire trip worth it..but I suppose I should get to the daily reflections and writing, shouldn’t I?

Morning Ritual

I did read this before starting my day and I’ve returned to that awe struck feeling of hitting the spot head on.

“You know at the very core of your being that you are an uplifter, and when somebody has made you not feel good it is doubly terrible to you because not only were you not intending to come forth and be dependent on them to make you feel good, you planned on making them feel better.”

I’ll be honest, I’m not always aware of the feelings of those around me but it is true that I never intend to cause anyone discomfort or any other negative feeling. I’m often concerned when those around me are feeling down but I’m not always sure what to do or say. But I feel their distress and depending on the situation, ask myself “what did I do wrong?” or “why doesn’t s/he like me?”. But this isn’t the question at all, nor is it my place to question their vibration if they’ve chosen it so firmly. I am leading myself to ask better questions these days, taking the I out of the equation and removing my ego from their problems. It isn’t easy, but it is something I am growing with.

“If I would look for something to appreciate and make that my dominant vibration, I would live happily ever after and fulfill my reason for being.”

I love this as well. I do have the habit of dwelling. The moment things start to go wrong I pull up everything from the past, the history of behavior that supports the harm being done. But instead, if I could find something (even completely outside of the situation) to appreciate, I wouldn’t feel the need to concern myself so much. What is being hurt here afterall? Not me. I’m not in physical pain in any way and it’s my choice to let words and tone affect me. It is my ego that is being hurt, but I’m not my ego. Don’t get me wrong, I’m hella proud of myself and in that sense my ego – my confidence – isn’t a bad thing, even if it could stand to be a little more humble at times. But these actions ‘against’ me aren’t a reflection of me or my person, they’re a reflection of the other persons pains and their choice to reside in those pains.

“The secret to life is this: look for something to appreciate and practice it until it becomes easy and you will live happily ever after.”

I love this. And I see exactly how this workbook is helping me to do just that!

What I Intend to do: Ho’oponopono the hell out of the rest of my trip. I intend to be more aware of how I am feeling and what I am saying. I intend to think of something I love/appreciate every time a negative feeling arises. I intend to forgive. I also intend to let go of this childish idea of ‘fairness’*.

For the Universe to Handle: Keep us safe for the remainder of the trip, let the van keep working in perfect order the rest of the way. Keep presenting me/us with amazing things and allowing everything to fall into place just the way it has been!

* I have to note here an internal struggle I faced yesterday. With the recent death of my grandfather and trying to address my grandmother’s affairs, I started thinking about my father and how difficult things will be when he passes away. Although I will never do anything to cause distress for my brother or sister, I feel like I know exactly what will happen – I will be completely cut out and forgotten because of my stepmother. While some sort of monetary inheritance would be nice, that isn’t what I want. I wasn’t even expecting anything with my grandma..I only wanted one of her butterfly necklaces, but now I’m being told I’ll receive several thousand. But that’s beside the point. All I want of my fathers are his photographs of the family and one of his rings. I decided in my mind that this was fair, but played out the scenario of what would actually happen and it wasn’t pleasant. It didn’t hit me until later that it doesn’t actually matter. When it comes down to it, it isn’t his things that are important.

Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Sleeping

I want to accomplish: Getting more than one hour of sleep at a time

I want to feel: Well rested

Segment: Tomorrow

In this segment I am: Going on the family outing (yet to be decided)

I want to accomplish: Enjoying myself and making great memories with the kids

I want to feel: Happy!

Segment: Tomorrow

In this segment I am: Riding to our next stop

I want to accomplish: Making it the rest of the way through the mountains safely

I want to feel: relaxed, easy, comfortable

Segment: Tomorrow

In this segment I am: Writing

I want to accomplish: Writing at least one full short story

I want to feel: Creative, inspired, relaxed

Segment: Tomorrow

In this segment I am: Stopping for the night (my father hasn’t decided if he wants to drive straight through or not, but I’m saying we will stop!)

I want to accomplish: Not being cramped in a van for more than 5 hours straight

I want to feel: as relaxed as possible

Daily Ritual

1) I didn’t meet many people today, only the staff at the hotels and the places we stopped to eat. I will say, everyone I came in contact with was nice beyond their professional responsibility. I enjoy smiles and genuine politeness. To me this isn’t just respect, but an acknowledgement of the people you are helping. I find Namaste to be a beautiful phrase, but it isn’t something commonly heard/said anywhere..actually, I haven’t heard anyone actually say it, only pass it around facebook. To me, a genuine smile holds everything that Namaste stands for.

2) To the questions how do I want to feel and what do I want to have…well, I want to feel happy. I want to feel satisfied with myself. I want to feel enough, nothing more nothing less. I can’t say I really want to have anything. Well, that isn’t true either. There are endless trivial things I would like to have, but they aren’t necessary and I think they would just be filling some sort of void. I want to have more reasons to be happy, I also want to be a reason that those around me are happy..or at least have the choice to be happy.

3) I am in the temple of my mind, each wing dedicated to the Pantheons of my past lives while three Goddesses who call to me in this life claim the central room. But I’m not alone, this isn’t only my place. It isn’t my place at all, but I am a part of it. There are others here, but I don’t see their faces, they are kneeling or raising their hands in reverence, I don’t see any of their faces, but that is exactly what I feel, reverence and power. I feel a knowing and trust that these entities, these powers, are here to assisting me if I merely ask the question..if I make my desires known.

4) Today I have $3,000 to spend and being in this spiritual mindset, I would spend it all on creating a place in my moms backyard, a gazebo of types with an altar and figurines of the various God/desses.

Evening Ritual

Ok! Ok! I get it! I need this pounded into my head, tattooed on the back of my eyelids. What is it with mother figures? I just realized that. The only two people who are still capable of getting under my skin and causing me lasting distress are my mother and stepmother. I feel powerless against them for very different reasons. I’ve put myself in a situation with my mother that is very unstable, as she could change her mind at any moment and I would be in a very bad situation. My stepmother on the other hand doesn’t have that level of power over me, but she has the distinct ability to remind me constantly that I’m not part of her family.

I understand we didn’t start on the best terms, but I was a teenager who was in the deepest parts of my self-hatred stage. Almost twelve years later and I still feel like that is who she sees. It doesn’t matter what I do or say, that is the image of me that she reverts back to and I don’t understand what I am doing to enforce this. I am VERY different than I was then, obviously, but even different than how I was four..even two years ago. I am constantly evolving and trying to expand myself, but this isn’t what she sees. She sees the threat, the reminder that my father had a life before her, and that I was a bitch as a teen.

I say this and even as I’m writing it I realize that I can’t know what she actually thinks of me, only the impressions I get from the way she responds to me. Regardless of what she sees or thinks, even when there are brief positive moments, it always comes back to a snappy attitude. She finds me annoying, that much I do know to be true, although I don’t know why. And this is where I must remind myself, IT DOESN’T MATTER. It is HER choice to reside in this place of agitation. There are plenty of things that annoy me, more in the past than now, but it is my choice whether or not to acknowledge them, or appreciate the things around me.

“You set your own tone so that you get to choose the tone of what happens in the interaction rather than observing someone else’s and becoming part of that.”

Let her be annoyed. Let the children go crazy. Let my father..be whatever he is, I can almost never read his emotions. The point is, their reality doesn’t have to be mine. This is something my father has tried telling me before, in other words, but I’ve always found it so hard to grasp. It is still a struggle and one that I need to be reminded of over and over. This is a practice after all. And even though it may still upset me at times, the fact I notice it and change my vibration is amazing progress.

About today I liked and enjoyed: Did I mention the Parthenon? The Parthenon was frickin amazing! Not just the scale building of well, the Parthenon, not just the gigantic statue of Athena, but also the art gallery and the history behind the building and the land. It was just beautiful and interesting and completely spiritually uplifting. I liked feeling a hint of what it meant to worship the Gods when it was common to walk into such temples…the sense of their size, their grandeur, the fact that to look upon their faces was a thing of awe and strain and that to crumple down and bow before them makes you that much smaller before their might. I like the power in that. I like that I can say that I’ve been to the Grand Ol’ Opry, even if it wasn’t to see a show, sometimes just going to a place is enough to make it a good memory. I’m glad I got so many great pictures today! Really, today was good. It feels like everything just falls into place, even the fact that the vending machines at the rest stop accepted credit cards since I’d run out of cash. I like that we stopped at a waffle house, I’d meant to ask if we would because after going places with Granny Elma so much, it just doesn’t feel like a real vacation/road trip if I don’t go to a waffle house at least once. And we got to do a load of laundry! I have a clean bra that doesn’t have 4 days of sweat stink!

I like about myself: Can I just say, my GPA? I love my grades and I love the stance I have on that. It isn’t that I would be upset if I get a bad grade but that getting a bad grade for a class isn’t an option. There is no reason for it if I put in even minimal effort and there is no reason why I should stop at the minimum, so no, bad grades are not an option. I like that I’ll be in honors classes next semester! (pending I get to talk to the school). I like me. It’s silly but there isn’t anyone else quite like me.

I like about Kristy: That she is forcing me to ask questions and then realize..it doesn’t really matter! I do actually like the lessons that she is teaching me because I know at the end of the day, she is family and that it is better I learn these things with her than others. She is teaching me things I need to overcome before I can possibly consider spending my life helping others.

I like about the van: That it really isn’t all that cramped, it could be far worse. I like that it’s actually getting us around safely without any problems and it seems to have decent gas mileage. If it weren’t for a vehicle like the van, I probably wouldn’t have been invited to come along at all.

I like about clouds: I’m fascinated by clouds and have been since I took some neat pictures in Louisiana. I love the images, I always see pictures and stories within them and always see something new every time I take pictures of them. I feel as though they’re messages writ across the sky for me. I should start writing these things in my doodle book but the messages aren’t coming across completely clear yet. I guess the writing might help with that.

I like about this trip: Going places I’ve never been! Mountains! Trees! The Parthenon! Music! The list goes on and on. I really am having fun and I’m glad that I’m getting a few moments to myself to write and reflect.

I like about Brooke: That she is teaching me patience. Oh Hel is she teaching me patience.

BOPA: Day 2 – Wealth

So, I didn’t get to BOPA last night. It was a choice and I’m pretty happy about it. I had a few experiences I’ll be glad to say I’ve had and I’d rather not write a blog post while inebriated, I’m hard enough to understand when completely sober hah. But, as I said before, I’m not skipping days in the book! So here I am at Day 2. I’ll read this as I write, jotting down my first impressions but I had to giggle a bit. Money is on my mind today, I’m at the end of what I had saved up and am limited on what I can spend for a while. I’m also thinking about how I’ll go about getting a job once I get back to Houston. And what is day 2? Wealth of course!

“We think that you know that you want it to be stimulating. You want to be fascinated. You want to be of value. You want to contribute, you want to make a difference. You want to move forward. You want financial remuneration. You want to be interested in what you’re doing.”

This, this is exactly why I’m back in college now. My previous jobs and anything I qualified for didn’t meet any of these things. They weren’t stimulating. They were mind numbing. And I felt like shit most of the time because my good deeds were never noticed, but every small mistake came out with such negativity. That isn’t the environment I want to be a part of. I want to be surrounded by positivity, by people who are also seeking more in their lives. I do sincerely believe that my education path will take me to this place, and in the mean time I am finding other facets of myself that I further wish to explore.

“Remember, step one is the asking, step two is the answering, and step three is the letting it in.”

I do like the question of action v. inaction. This is one reason that I could never strictly follow eastern philosophies, too much inaction. I do acknowledge there is peace to be found in this, but I don’t exactly what that peaceful of a life. I want contentment and security, but I also want excitement and inspiration. But, getting back on track, even though the universe is completely bringing things my way, the best way to get the ball rolling is by doing! This is something I’ve been working toward getting comfortable with for a long time. Too much of my life has been spent paralyzed by fear so far, but over the last few years I’ve worked toward action, being proactive, doing rather than waiting. I’m not going to argue that sitting back and waiting when you’re in the vibration is a bad thing, but in my instance, waiting because of fear only generated more fear.

Also, focusing on where you are rather than where you are going. This is a big one for me that I have constantly in practice now! Of course my life isn’t perfect but the funny thing is, I don’t really think about it until I talk to other people. They ask, how are you? How is your family? How is school? How is it living with your mom and grandmother? Apparently, my life is pretty damn hard. Or so I’m told. I get past the most basic details and I’m faced with pity. Of course there are days I get a little frustrated in the moment, but overall I don’t think of it as an impossible (or even bad!) situation. It’s just where I am now and I’m thankful that I’m here rather than where I was this time a year ago.

Funny, this didn’t actually address money but it does apply to my situation in too many ways. I do feel that I’m past this, this needing to be reminded of where I’m going rather than where I am, but this is a practice isn’t it? And a little nudging reminder isn’t a bad thing. Spending this long thinking on it only enforces the practice and sends further energy into the universe. I will graduate with honors, with the degrees that I want, have the career that I want. I’ll find satisfaction in what I’m doing and I’ll be a student the rest of my life, I’ve settled on this mentally not too long ago, but there is always something new to learn. Even if I’m not working toward a degree, I can learn things. I want to learn reflexology and reiki in addition to my degree program. I want to help others to heal.

Evening Ritual

I’m so tired now. I started writing this morning, since then I’ve made it from Memphis to Nashville and walked circles around down town Nashville. It’s been amazing for too many reasons. I wish I could remember everything, well almost everything. But lets not get distracted just yet…

What I Intend to do: Work it! Use the Ho’oponopono. Enjoy life and be open to possibilities. I intend to let stressful things roll off my back, if I am open and honest with myself and those around me then there is nothing the universe will send my way that will hurt me. Be happy! Be reminded. Most of all, I intend to be awesome.

For the Universe to handle: Everything! No, but really..I’d like the universe to make the rest of my vacation as pleasant as possible. I want happiness to rain down on all of us so that we’re all giggly and the neighbors have to wonder if we’re high. I want things to flow smoothly, or at least the opportunity for it and I want my own serenity to be available even if those around me choose to resist the flow.

I will be skipping scripting tonight as I’m impossibly tired, but I will say I’m focusing my good intentions on having a SAFE trip that goes as easily as possible, no problems internal or external.

1) How do I want to feel? I want to feel happy and accepted, I want to feel like an important part of the family, not just an option. I want to feel wanted, not needed or merely useful. What do I want to have? A relationship with my step-mom that I don’t feel the need to constantly question. Otherwise, I just want a stress-free vacation, I want to have fun and not worry about who is grumpy and who isn’t.

2) Will probably not do this part…

3) I’m laying on a massage table, it’s pleasantly warm in the room, dim and it smells like jasmine. Every last inch of my soreness is being rubbed away and I’m melting into the table, happy and feeling so, so good.

4) With the $2,000 I would rent a car once I got to Florida and use the rest for spending money.

I fell asleep at that point hah! But I will say, I had an amazing day, lessons included. A stranger offered to take my trash for me, that random act of kindness and his bright blue eyes made me smile. I saw a concert at the river in Nashville, walked all over the place and made it to the state Museum. All in all, it was a great day.

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