Before I even begin reading this, I think it’s good that I’ve returned on a ‘health’ day. I’ve felt that codependent pull lately. I realize that I haven’t been taking care of myself the way I promised and I have to apologize for that. I know I deserve more than worry and anxiety over something that at this moment doesn’t exist. I’m returning to the now and returning to myself.
Can I just start laughing now? How many times to do I have to tell myself there is nothing accidental about this. As much as I would like to work this book every day, it simply isn’t needed. There are many days that I don’t NEED these reminders or that these lessons just wont provide me with what is intended. I’ve often found that when I’ve tried to force it..and then go back to it more naturally later, I come to a completely different understanding. And then there are days like this. I haven’t worked BOPA in over a week. We started over on Day 1 on Monday of last week, making today the 10th.
And my little disclaimer above, the grief that I’m clinging to so desperately right now, it made me laugh. I’d rather not go into much detail, but as usual it pertains to my love life. There is a person that I’ve had very conflicting feelings about for some time now, but I’ve grown to desire him quite a bit and am worried that he isn’t nearly as interested in me as I am in him. And while I’ve enjoyed myself with him, I find myself focusing on the more negative thoughts and hoping they aren’t true than telling myself: be happy, enjoy him when you can, and keep your focus on school!
So when you say “I want more money, I don’t want debt” you’re actually including two contradictory vibrations within your vibration.
Do you see now? Are you giggling with me yet? Will anyone bonk my head and tell me I should have had a V8?
I’ve been reminding myself of the lessons of another day and tried to calm myself with that. The notion that as long as we are on odds vibrationally, we will be kept apart. I don’t mean for this to be so focused on the newly proposed ‘him’, but just in general. I desire companionship, but am afraid of abandonment, judgement and a whole list of other ‘ment’s that are making my intention all fuzzy. It’s a true thought that I wont have what I want as long as I’m not aligned and prepared to receive, but I have to put in the effort to make myself aligned with the vibration of my desires. I can’t muddle it up with the things I don’t want. I need to stop my thoughts at “I want to enjoy him” or “I want companionship”.
I didn’t start this in the morning, but I probably should spend time smiling. I did meditate of my own accord earlier. I’ve felt out of sorts for a few days now and haven’t had a real reason, I’ve felt sad but in a very distant sort of way. I meditated to try to clear that out. That meditation is what sparked the want to check in on BOPA.
What I Intend to do: I intend to make a more conscious effort to monitor my thoughts and cut them off before the “but” and the “I don’t wants”. I intend to refocus myself on things that I enjoy. I also intend to start writing my BoS. I intend to straighten out the vibration of my desires! I also intend to make all A’s on my assignments for the first two weeks of school.
For the Universe to Handle: The universe will provide me with the perfect companionship for this time in my life. It will ensure there isn’t a problem with my transportation to and from school. It will make sure I am financially provided for. I would also like a fun event to come up that I can go to, something to get me out of the house and around people that I can enjoy.
I’d rather not do the scripting part. I’m still not comfortable with it. Beyond that, the only thing I’m aware of happening in my near future is going to class tomorrow, which I intend to be positive and productive every day as it is.
1) What is bothering me? I suppose they’re normal things. It’s funny because the negative thoughts don’t easily raise to the surface any more, I don’t feel that mean little devil poking at me with these questions. But when I ask..they arise so that I can look at them. I don’t want to be alone any longer. I want a partner that I can be comfortable with and enjoy. I am upset that I can only find one or the other..either a playmate or a friend. I worry that there isn’t someone that ‘fits’ with me. So how do I want to feel? I want to feel completely comfortable and accepted by another person, not just by myself. I want to feel in love, not just loved. I want to be happy.
2) What do I want to have? I can’t believe I’m saying this, I’ve been so careful to avoid the word, but I want a boyfriend!
3) It’s fall, a forest somewhere north. I’m sitting on a rock and I feel like I’m in my own little world. I don’t think I’m alone or far from others, but right then it doesn’t matter. I can hear a creek near by, the water rushing, but I can’t see it. All I can see are trees and leaves falling all around me, coating the ground in bright golds, oranges and red.
4) $10,000…well, lets see. Right now I’d really like some new clothes, I keep oogling goth and steampunk style things. I could easily spend at least 2k on that, building an entirely new wardrobe. I’d also like to start making clothes again, so I’ll invest $500 to start off with a new sewing machine, cloth and an assortment of tools. After a new gaming computer..I’d put the rest into savings.
Does anyone else have a hard time with the thought of “owning your emotions”? I’ve told friends that it’s okay to be sad or angry or any other emotion we can possibly express, but no one really wants to feel that way and I’ve never had an answer for how to get out of it..other than just wait. Time will make it better. Eventually we’ll feel better. I’ve been sad for a few days now, mixed in with the anxious and tired and everything else. But the sad has really stood out because I have no reason to be sad. Nothing is going wrong with my life, I have no real concerns. I have every reason to be happy and as an over all view of my life, I suppose I am happy, but right here in this moment I feel sad. I am ready to cry every time something sad happens on a TV show. I feel myself tearing up for no reason…
Of course I want to be happy. But I really do like what this evening ritual has to say. Abraham explains that there are times when happiness isn’t possible. I like the way it’s worded, the build up is perfect, but in a much shorter way of putting it – sometimes we just can’t be happy. Yet, there is a method given for moving forward. We have a range of feelings available to us at any given moment. In many ways I see this as the idea of choices that I love so much. You have the choice of reaction, how you react and how you process events happening around you. So when you’re in a particular situation, you have the choice to be very upset or not so upset and of course the best thing to do is to not be so upset. It is the best feeling available to you at that time and will move you further along the range of emotions until happiness is in view.
Maybe right now I can’t be happy. I’ve let so many negative thoughts overwhelm me that I’ve created a space of time where happiness isn’t available. But I’m aware of that now, I’m aware of what I need to do and how to do it so as I move forward, happiness will become available again. As it is, I’m smiling just knowing that another problem has been solved and that I feel I’ve gotten the perfect little nudge to send me back on my way.
About today I enjoyed: I enjoyed waking up before my alarm (despite hitting the snooze twice), it always feels so much better when I wake up on my own. I liked the way my hair was today. I enjoyed my history lecture as much as possible and liked how easy my English class was. I really enjoyed coming home to an empty house and having some time to myself. I liked having that privacy to meditate and then take a much needed cat nap. I liked talking to Kelly earlier, she made me laugh. I also liked being able to share today’s lesson with Nancy, who needed it just as much as I did.
I like about myself: I like my ambition and drive, as well as my adaptability. I love the fact that I’m alive and that so much potential is ahead of me. I’m constantly amazed at myself, even if they start out as “duh!” moments, I feel like I catch on quickly and make changes in myself that need to be made for myself.
I like about Nancy: I like that she refuses to give up. She is a real friend to me and such a wonderful mother. I like her sense of humor and that shes a little odd. I like that shes so laid back most of the time. I also like the fact that I can say anything to her and never feel judgment, I can tell her that I’m sad and she doesn’t get concerned..she is just there with me while I’m sad.
I like about Kelly: I admire her view on the world, it is so very different than my own. I like that she is still able to get lost in the fantasy, that shes so easily swept away by things. I see part of myself in her, things that I’ve done and learned from and things that I still need to learn. She is like a walking lesson for me and at the same time, shes a friend who has stood by me for years.
I like about college: So many things! I mean, I’m not as involved as I hope to be when I transfer to the actual university, but I love my classes, I enjoy my professors and most of all..the whole reaching my goals thing is pretty damn amazing.
I like about this week: I love that someone else is taking care of my grandma this week. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. This is the best way to start the semester. Later on, I’ll be more comfortable with her here while I study and do my work, but having this first week to rest and take it easy makes a whole world of difference.
I like about Jason: I almost feel as though I shouldn’t write this. I didn’t spend a great deal of time with him, but he makes me smile. First of all, he reminded me what mind blowing sex was like. That on its own should earn him a medal. But beyond that, he was and has been an unexpected friend. I like his sense of humor. I like that his ambition mirrors my own, even though he is much further down the path than me. I feel like he is a perfect example of where I want my life to be in the coming years. It isn’t often that I can say I admire someone, especially someone that should have just been a one night stand, but I do admire him.
I do want to dream tonight…but I want to solve something. I want to figure out why I keep dreaming of my Granny Elma’s house. It’s more than a little eerie and I always wake up feeling confused and a little upset.