I’m sitting here nearly in tears but I’m smiling as well. Relationships were always messy with me but this workbook has helped me through two so far. I think the best thing is that it’s helped me to see the positives, even as my heart is breaking right now I’m thankful for the things that this most recent adventure into love has spurred. I should have been writing here during this whole week, the momentum in my life is amazing and I feel things coming to a head all around me. I have started a new blog with one of my best friends, which has unfortunately taken up most of my attention, but there are certain things I only feel comfortable keeping up with here.
With that said…let’s delve into today’s message.
As always, Abraham knows just what to say. One of the projects I’ve been working on is recognizing my false beliefs. It wasn’t until I made the complete decision to lose weight that I realized just how many false beliefs I hold onto, and while only a fraction of them relate directly to weight they all seem to fold back on one another. I can attribute this progress to Leslie Hastings and her youtube videos, I’m only on the 5th one so far but I’ve made quite a bit of progress. This goes hand in hand with today’s lesson, but takes it a step further.
Being a psychology student and not yet decided on the nature vs. nurture argument, I do believe that we learn many of our behaviors from our environment. As a child we’re told something is bad, so we grow up believing it is bad. But, how can we be sure if it is really that bad for us? Oh, we believe it is and that idea grows and then the universe adds to that thought and it gets worse. I think the perfect example of this defying natural science and logic comes from my ex-fiance. His father did not eat anything green so my ex didn’t either. He grew up believing that green foods were bad for you, this clearly includes a number of vegetables that are most certainly good for the body. However, he’d get sick every time I tried to get him to eat a salad or anything else that had green veggies. He’d have horrible upset stomach and heartburn and remind me that green food wasn’t good for him.
I’ve done the same thing most of my life, taking those things that were taught to me as a child or seemingly innocent events that caught my eye in some way..and giving power to them. The most horrible thing I was ever told as a child was that I was too ugly and fat to be loved by anyone other than my mother but (and heres the kicker..I was told this at a very young age) there would always be someone willing to fuck me. Needless to say, I’m completely secure in my sexuality. I enjoy sex quite a bit and have no shame when it comes to my sexual appetite, but I’m immediately suspicious of anyone who finds me physically attractive in more than a sexual way. I crave affection but feel unworthy because of my weight, which only adds more thought to the weight I don’t want to have..and well, its not a pretty thing.
But the beautiful thing about all of this is, I have a choice. Even as I’m writing this, I’m feeling my strength returning. I’m recognizing the preferences that this most recent has brought to my attention. I’ve also realized very recently that part of my issue in working the law of attraction is that I’m not completely certain of what I do want. I don’t know all of my preferences. I’ve spent so long focusing on what I DONT want, I hardly know what I do want. So this is where I am and I’m figuring that out. I’m focusing on what I know I do want, I’m learning how to curb my vibration. I’ve learned those little tricks, the subtle ways to turn my mood and see the good in things. I’m feeling better, I’m accomplishing more.
I’m making the choice to be amazing.
What I intend to do: Keep up with everything! I am going to keep losing weight. I am going to keep learning what I want. I am going to love myself. I am going to let go of these false beliefs. I’m going to keep going to BOPA and growing, and setting an example and sharing and loving everyone of those beautiful people.
For the Universe to handle: The universe will bring more love into my life by way of new friends and a loving relationship. The universe will support my efforts with tangible results. The universe will be LOUD and CLEAR.
1. Segment: Tonight
In this segment I am: Eating dinner
I want to accomplish: Stopping when I’m full, being thankful for the food, metabolizing every bit of it into the energy I need
I want to feel: Satisfied, light, happy, filled with joy
2. Segment: Tonight
In this segment I am: Doing my English assignment
I want to accomplish: Producing A worthy work
I want to feel: Accomplished, satisfied, pleased, comforted
3. Segment: Tonight
In this segment I am: Making my list of 99 good things
I want to accomplish: Fully realizing just how blessed I am
I want to feel: Happy! Joyful, peaceful, amazed, pleased, blessed!
4. Segment: Tonight
In this segment I am: Sleeping
I want to accomplish: Sleeping through the night while having meaningful dreams
I want to feel: Rested, energized, peaceful, happy, confident
5. Segment: Tomorrow morning
In this segment I am: Waking up and eating breakfast
I want to accomplish: Giving my body the nourishment it needs to start off the day
I want to feel: Good, awake, full of energy, eager to get to school, focused, happy!
1) I haven’t had the best day, it’s difficult to think about it in terms of what I’ve liked. I liked having a peaceful math lab, I liked seeing my professors smile, its contagious, I liked having Kelly to talk to when I normally would have completely melted down. I did good. I liked how I was able to talk myself through most of it. Even though it wasn’t an official relationship, ending things has never felt good to me and I wanted to cry more than once today. But between myself and Kelly, I recognized what was good about even this situation and easily let go of that pain.
2) I want to feel confident. I want to feel loved and peaceful and happy. I want to have a reason to have and smile. I want to be the reason that I smile. I want to have a loving relationship, I want to have more wonderful and supportive friendships. I want to share myself with others, especially the things I’m learning and doing. I want to have happiness.
3) I’m in an art gallery that is completely unworldly. I’m alone, but there is such a reverence here. It could be a church. But there are framed paintings from floor to ceiling and then even the ceiling is painted. The skill is breathtaking and I feel infinitely small but also so much grander for just being in this place. I’m amazed and nearly in tears are the pure wonder and beauty. Every painting is a life unto itself and I can feel each one, but it isn’t overwhelming.
4) I’m using the same one again. I’m spending the entire amount on moving into my own apartment, getting everything set up the way I want it, buying a few new pieces of furniture and a computer, and keeping the rest to pay bills along the way.
You see us, we dont try too hard to please you. We dont try to all to please you. We never tell you what we think you want to hear, we always tell you what we know, and you can like it or not, thats the way it is. We please ourselves, we align with what we know to be and you may join us or not, but you will not keep us from being in concert with that which we are about, you see. We are aligned with Source and thats what youre reaching for too.
Talk about nearly being in tears again. Just like my ex and his green-phobia, I was raised to be a pleaser. It is one of the things I struggle with the most because I feel like I need to bend who I am to give way to what others are. This also goes to the very basis of my self worth issues. I recognized that today. In the ‘breakup’ conversation there was a point there the little voice in my mind wanted to say “You’re right. You’re agreeing with the things that I’m feeling and it would be best if we parted ways.” but instead, I reacted out of instinct and emotion, despite clearly hearing that voice even as I acted. I tried to bend over backward to patch things, knowing that if it happened I wouldn’t be happy, but I did it because I didn’t want to hurt him. But by denying myself and my true voice, I only caused both of us that much more pain. I’m not here to ignore myself, I’m not here to make anyone else existence better by giving them an object to manipulate. I’m here to reach my true potential and find happiness in my life.
I’m proud of myself for seeing this. I’m happy that I heard that voice. I’ve always acted out of emotion, out of fear and anxiety. If that voice of reason existed before, I was drowning it out so hard that it didn’t have a chance to be heard. I could have handled things differently today, but I didn’t, and that’s okay. The same thing was ultimately accomplished and in the end it only disrupted my life for a little bit. And I’m going to eat soon, and I’ll feel good about that, and tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling better as well and I have so much to look forward to. I’m starting to trust myself.
About today I liked and enjoyed: Writing this most of all. I enjoyed going to school, I enjoyed getting past that set of problems that I wasn’t sure I could do! I enjoyed taking a different route today too. I enjoyed talking to Kelly. I enjoyed the peace and quite of having the house to myself for several hours. I enjoyed my shower this morning. I enjoyed cuddling with my cat, shes very affectionate today. I enjoyed learning more about myself. I also enjoyed actually being able to curb my emotion, I think this is the first time I’ve actually raised my vibration primarily on my own from something very negative to something much more positive.
I like about myself: that I have the capacity to learn and grown. I like my motivation and inspiration! I like that I am losing weight. I like that I am more confident. I like that I’m reaching for the stars and going after my dreams. I like that I’m accomplishing more than I ever thought possible. I like that my mind is expanding and every day new things are becoming possible. I like that I’m getting away from my reliance on the computer and internet. I like that I feel free and am becoming comfortable in my own skin.
I like about Sion: That he taught me I am worthy of receiving gifts. I like that he spurred my want to lose weight. I like that he has allowed me to trust myself and my gifts even more. I liked that his presence helped me realize my preferences and the lackthereof before. I like that he was a part of my life, for even such a short time.
I like about Kelly: That she is a reflection of who I was, but she is already so much further along in certain ways than I could have dreamed at her age. I like her ideas and her compassionate heart. I love her sense of humor.
I like about Nancy: That she is there for me even when my problems seem insignificant compared to hers. I like that she is really a loving person. I like her quirky sense of humor too and her taste in fashion. I like being around her and her family.
I like about Jessica: I like that I can see part of myself in her too, I can see good and contrasting things and it helps me recognize those things about myself that I like and would like to change. I like that she came into my life at such the perfect time as well and that she is so funny! I like that she’s also so inclined to be a mother and that what I know of her relationship history gives me hope as well.
I like about Ann: That she is such a strong person! I like that she completely gets the self appreciation thing. I love that she wont sacrifice herself for the benefit of others. I like that she is beautiful and confident. I like that shes showing growth too and proving right along side me that the law of attraction is working for all of us.