Capricious by Nature

Me in all my wonderful glory.

Removed

Well, my BOPA plans haven’t happened again. I will make it through the booklet at one point but I’m not upset that it isn’t happening at the moment. It isn’t an issue of conviction, but I am on vacation afterall. I could make the time to reflect, to ponder and to grow based on these teachings but I’m too busy enjoying myself. For the most part at least. I had one night of homesickness, but it was more than that. This knowing and understanding is so much more difficult for me at this time in my life than I could have ever expected.

It is proving especially difficult for me to let go of others chaos. I feel like I’m holding the secrets to happiness and everyone else around me refuses to listen. I mean, I’m not going out of my way to share these “secrets” with most people I’m around, they aren’t willing to listen any more than they are to change their lives. I’m just completely dumbfounded that anyone would be willing to submit themselves to these hardships.

I feel removed. I want to shake them and wake them up and make them understand that they don’t have to suffer. I know I shouldn’t. I know this is only distressing me and causing ME to feel negativity. I shouldn’t put this upon myself, but considering this is the only negativity in my life at the moment I have to believe that I’m making progress. I’m still just..in disbelief.

I am removed. But I need to let go. In the mean time, I am enjoying the new tools I’ve gained. This is proving to be a VERY beneficial trip. I have so many new crystals, a set of coins that I can practice I-ching with and even a Kabbalah oracle deck. Call me a little eclectic, but this makes me happy.

BOPA: Day 4 – Health

Morning Ritual

I’ve put quite a bit of thought into the power of belief lately. It’s something that I’ve always felt drawn to, but the notion felt like pure fantasy until lately. I always imagined a fictitious world where anything was possible, so long as anyone believed in it. I also had the notion of the Gods power being based on belief, then I read American Gods and the idea became even more firmly rooted, even though that is clearly fiction.

But now I’m faced with the fact that this notion of belief isn’t fiction. Today’s reading hit on a few things that are already supported by my current actions but again, it is good to be reminded. I cannot stand the tricks of media, I can’t even bring myself to watch the news. When I actually want to know something, I research it, I read the laws, I go to the sources. That doesn’t happen all that often, but when I feel that urge to know I can’t bring myself to trust any TV or radio show, regardless of how reputable they claim to be.

So what does this have to do with health? The mis-belief in ailments and age. I’m stuck on this too, something I need to let go of, but I’m coming to a point that I’m starting to be scared of what I’m going to get because I’m bound to at some point..because my family has a history or because of some statistic. But do you see that right there, even my own wording! I’m bound to. I’ve bound myself to the belief that is what will happen. But it doesn’t have to and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I wont have to deal with any of it, because frankly I don’t want to be ill. Who does?

What I Intend to do: Continue to bless my food before I eat it. Eat everything with happiness. Allow myself to be happy, allow myself to be the conduit for that positive flow I looove to feel. I also intend to dismiss the idea of illness.

For the Universe to handle: Everything, can I just leave it at that? Things seem to go so much more smoothly when I take away the need to control and leave it to the universe. But I’ll make an attempt at being specific – happiness, let it flow abundantly. Let us sigh in relief and comfort and joy and love. Let that energy flow around us strongly enough that it cant be ignored.

Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Sleeping!

I want to accomplish: Getting a good nights sleep

I want to feel: Happy and rested

Segment: Tomorrow morning

In this segment I am: Riding through Florida

I want to accomplish: Getting to Boca safely and in a good mood

I want to feel: Comfortable, relaxed and patient

Segment: Tomorrow evening

In this segment I am: Settling into my dads house

I want to accomplish: Feeling at home

I want to feel: Relaxed, loved and welcomed

Segment: Tomorrow night

In this segment I am: BOPA-ing

I want to accomplish: Day 5 exercises

I want to feel: Inspired and empowered

Daily Ritual

1) What is bothering me? Emotionally, I’m much more stable than I was over the last two days. Physically, my back, legs and feet hurt and are tired. I say this is because of everything I was doing today, but I have to wonder if this is true. I wasn’t in pain until I settled down for the evening, when my mind was no longer occupied with other things and I started to assess my day. Could it be that I justified this physical pain because being in my condition means I should feel pain? And how do I want to feel? Happy of course, and not in any sort of pain!

2) What do I want to have? I’d still like a good lay lol but more than that, a massage would be wonderful. I think its just the trust and physical touch more than the release of tension in my muscles that sounds nice. I want to be pampered physically.

3) I’m floating down a river running through the mountains. There are other people, knowing this is comforting, but I might as well be in a world of my own. The water is moving at a steady pace and there are tall trees towering over the river, hiding the sunlight for periods of time, letting it shine down on me in warm patches before moving me along. I don’t know where I’m going or how long I’ve been floating down the river, but I don’t care. The water is so cold, it feels so good on such a hot day! I don’t ever want to get out.

4) Today I have $4,000 to spend. I would put $1,000 aside to ensure that I could get at least one mani-pedi every month for the rest of the year. I’d use another $1,000 for laser hair removal on a few places. And the remaining amount a good work out machine I could use at home.

Evening Ritual

Opps! I wrote on this as part of my morning ritual. I read both sections earlier in the day but didn’t get to sit down and write until just now. But can I just say, I really dislike alot of public media? When I had my own apartment, I didn’t even have a TV. I had a netflix account for the times that I wanted to relax and just watch something entertaining.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy a good movie or TV show. I’ve watched countless seasons of so many different types of shows. I love a good story. I enjoy reading for the exact same reason, sometimes its nice to be told a story. I think a good story, whether its a book or a TV show, SHOULD invoke some sort of emotions. However, this isn’t to say I want to allow these things to dictate how I feel or who I am.

“As you are an observer of life, whatever you are observing dictates the vibration that you practice. As you are a creator of life, you deliberately choose what you observe in order to affect the vibration.”

This I do find interesting though, and I’ll stay on this idea of movies and TV for a moment longer. I think this ties into why people have such strong tastes in shows and movies. Comedy makes us laugh, it causes a feeling of happiness. Romantic movies stir about longing and love. There are categories of movies for each emotion. You know what you’re getting when you start watching something and thats generally why these things are watched. A desire to feel differently, or to support those things that you’re already feeling. The point here is, you don’t need any of that to change how you feel. You can do that for yourself better than anyone else can. This is for everything from emotion to physical issues.

 

BOPA: Day 3 – Love

It has been a very long day of driving and the before mentioned tension is still present but it has been great! I don’t often speak about my personal spiritual practices, beyond new discoveries and so on but since I started back to college I’ve called on Athena many times. Although my ties are very clearly made with the Nordic pantheon, I can’t deny that I’ve always felt a calling to several roman/greek Goddesses. Today, we went to the Parthenon in Nashville. I wasn’t aware of its existence, but there was a page about it in the hotel book of local attractions. Luckily it wasn’t all that far from where we were saying..let me just say wow! It was such a powerfully spiritual adventure for me, dancing with images of the future temples I’d love to help create. I also now have an Athena figurine for my alter, which in itself has made this entire trip worth it..but I suppose I should get to the daily reflections and writing, shouldn’t I?

Morning Ritual

I did read this before starting my day and I’ve returned to that awe struck feeling of hitting the spot head on.

“You know at the very core of your being that you are an uplifter, and when somebody has made you not feel good it is doubly terrible to you because not only were you not intending to come forth and be dependent on them to make you feel good, you planned on making them feel better.”

I’ll be honest, I’m not always aware of the feelings of those around me but it is true that I never intend to cause anyone discomfort or any other negative feeling. I’m often concerned when those around me are feeling down but I’m not always sure what to do or say. But I feel their distress and depending on the situation, ask myself “what did I do wrong?” or “why doesn’t s/he like me?”. But this isn’t the question at all, nor is it my place to question their vibration if they’ve chosen it so firmly. I am leading myself to ask better questions these days, taking the I out of the equation and removing my ego from their problems. It isn’t easy, but it is something I am growing with.

“If I would look for something to appreciate and make that my dominant vibration, I would live happily ever after and fulfill my reason for being.”

I love this as well. I do have the habit of dwelling. The moment things start to go wrong I pull up everything from the past, the history of behavior that supports the harm being done. But instead, if I could find something (even completely outside of the situation) to appreciate, I wouldn’t feel the need to concern myself so much. What is being hurt here afterall? Not me. I’m not in physical pain in any way and it’s my choice to let words and tone affect me. It is my ego that is being hurt, but I’m not my ego. Don’t get me wrong, I’m hella proud of myself and in that sense my ego – my confidence – isn’t a bad thing, even if it could stand to be a little more humble at times. But these actions ‘against’ me aren’t a reflection of me or my person, they’re a reflection of the other persons pains and their choice to reside in those pains.

“The secret to life is this: look for something to appreciate and practice it until it becomes easy and you will live happily ever after.”

I love this. And I see exactly how this workbook is helping me to do just that!

What I Intend to do: Ho’oponopono the hell out of the rest of my trip. I intend to be more aware of how I am feeling and what I am saying. I intend to think of something I love/appreciate every time a negative feeling arises. I intend to forgive. I also intend to let go of this childish idea of ‘fairness’*.

For the Universe to Handle: Keep us safe for the remainder of the trip, let the van keep working in perfect order the rest of the way. Keep presenting me/us with amazing things and allowing everything to fall into place just the way it has been!

* I have to note here an internal struggle I faced yesterday. With the recent death of my grandfather and trying to address my grandmother’s affairs, I started thinking about my father and how difficult things will be when he passes away. Although I will never do anything to cause distress for my brother or sister, I feel like I know exactly what will happen – I will be completely cut out and forgotten because of my stepmother. While some sort of monetary inheritance would be nice, that isn’t what I want. I wasn’t even expecting anything with my grandma..I only wanted one of her butterfly necklaces, but now I’m being told I’ll receive several thousand. But that’s beside the point. All I want of my fathers are his photographs of the family and one of his rings. I decided in my mind that this was fair, but played out the scenario of what would actually happen and it wasn’t pleasant. It didn’t hit me until later that it doesn’t actually matter. When it comes down to it, it isn’t his things that are important.

Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Sleeping

I want to accomplish: Getting more than one hour of sleep at a time

I want to feel: Well rested

Segment: Tomorrow

In this segment I am: Going on the family outing (yet to be decided)

I want to accomplish: Enjoying myself and making great memories with the kids

I want to feel: Happy!

Segment: Tomorrow

In this segment I am: Riding to our next stop

I want to accomplish: Making it the rest of the way through the mountains safely

I want to feel: relaxed, easy, comfortable

Segment: Tomorrow

In this segment I am: Writing

I want to accomplish: Writing at least one full short story

I want to feel: Creative, inspired, relaxed

Segment: Tomorrow

In this segment I am: Stopping for the night (my father hasn’t decided if he wants to drive straight through or not, but I’m saying we will stop!)

I want to accomplish: Not being cramped in a van for more than 5 hours straight

I want to feel: as relaxed as possible

Daily Ritual

1) I didn’t meet many people today, only the staff at the hotels and the places we stopped to eat. I will say, everyone I came in contact with was nice beyond their professional responsibility. I enjoy smiles and genuine politeness. To me this isn’t just respect, but an acknowledgement of the people you are helping. I find Namaste to be a beautiful phrase, but it isn’t something commonly heard/said anywhere..actually, I haven’t heard anyone actually say it, only pass it around facebook. To me, a genuine smile holds everything that Namaste stands for.

2) To the questions how do I want to feel and what do I want to have…well, I want to feel happy. I want to feel satisfied with myself. I want to feel enough, nothing more nothing less. I can’t say I really want to have anything. Well, that isn’t true either. There are endless trivial things I would like to have, but they aren’t necessary and I think they would just be filling some sort of void. I want to have more reasons to be happy, I also want to be a reason that those around me are happy..or at least have the choice to be happy.

3) I am in the temple of my mind, each wing dedicated to the Pantheons of my past lives while three Goddesses who call to me in this life claim the central room. But I’m not alone, this isn’t only my place. It isn’t my place at all, but I am a part of it. There are others here, but I don’t see their faces, they are kneeling or raising their hands in reverence, I don’t see any of their faces, but that is exactly what I feel, reverence and power. I feel a knowing and trust that these entities, these powers, are here to assisting me if I merely ask the question..if I make my desires known.

4) Today I have $3,000 to spend and being in this spiritual mindset, I would spend it all on creating a place in my moms backyard, a gazebo of types with an altar and figurines of the various God/desses.

Evening Ritual

Ok! Ok! I get it! I need this pounded into my head, tattooed on the back of my eyelids. What is it with mother figures? I just realized that. The only two people who are still capable of getting under my skin and causing me lasting distress are my mother and stepmother. I feel powerless against them for very different reasons. I’ve put myself in a situation with my mother that is very unstable, as she could change her mind at any moment and I would be in a very bad situation. My stepmother on the other hand doesn’t have that level of power over me, but she has the distinct ability to remind me constantly that I’m not part of her family.

I understand we didn’t start on the best terms, but I was a teenager who was in the deepest parts of my self-hatred stage. Almost twelve years later and I still feel like that is who she sees. It doesn’t matter what I do or say, that is the image of me that she reverts back to and I don’t understand what I am doing to enforce this. I am VERY different than I was then, obviously, but even different than how I was four..even two years ago. I am constantly evolving and trying to expand myself, but this isn’t what she sees. She sees the threat, the reminder that my father had a life before her, and that I was a bitch as a teen.

I say this and even as I’m writing it I realize that I can’t know what she actually thinks of me, only the impressions I get from the way she responds to me. Regardless of what she sees or thinks, even when there are brief positive moments, it always comes back to a snappy attitude. She finds me annoying, that much I do know to be true, although I don’t know why. And this is where I must remind myself, IT DOESN’T MATTER. It is HER choice to reside in this place of agitation. There are plenty of things that annoy me, more in the past than now, but it is my choice whether or not to acknowledge them, or appreciate the things around me.

“You set your own tone so that you get to choose the tone of what happens in the interaction rather than observing someone else’s and becoming part of that.”

Let her be annoyed. Let the children go crazy. Let my father..be whatever he is, I can almost never read his emotions. The point is, their reality doesn’t have to be mine. This is something my father has tried telling me before, in other words, but I’ve always found it so hard to grasp. It is still a struggle and one that I need to be reminded of over and over. This is a practice after all. And even though it may still upset me at times, the fact I notice it and change my vibration is amazing progress.

About today I liked and enjoyed: Did I mention the Parthenon? The Parthenon was frickin amazing! Not just the scale building of well, the Parthenon, not just the gigantic statue of Athena, but also the art gallery and the history behind the building and the land. It was just beautiful and interesting and completely spiritually uplifting. I liked feeling a hint of what it meant to worship the Gods when it was common to walk into such temples…the sense of their size, their grandeur, the fact that to look upon their faces was a thing of awe and strain and that to crumple down and bow before them makes you that much smaller before their might. I like the power in that. I like that I can say that I’ve been to the Grand Ol’ Opry, even if it wasn’t to see a show, sometimes just going to a place is enough to make it a good memory. I’m glad I got so many great pictures today! Really, today was good. It feels like everything just falls into place, even the fact that the vending machines at the rest stop accepted credit cards since I’d run out of cash. I like that we stopped at a waffle house, I’d meant to ask if we would because after going places with Granny Elma so much, it just doesn’t feel like a real vacation/road trip if I don’t go to a waffle house at least once. And we got to do a load of laundry! I have a clean bra that doesn’t have 4 days of sweat stink!

I like about myself: Can I just say, my GPA? I love my grades and I love the stance I have on that. It isn’t that I would be upset if I get a bad grade but that getting a bad grade for a class isn’t an option. There is no reason for it if I put in even minimal effort and there is no reason why I should stop at the minimum, so no, bad grades are not an option. I like that I’ll be in honors classes next semester! (pending I get to talk to the school). I like me. It’s silly but there isn’t anyone else quite like me.

I like about Kristy: That she is forcing me to ask questions and then realize..it doesn’t really matter! I do actually like the lessons that she is teaching me because I know at the end of the day, she is family and that it is better I learn these things with her than others. She is teaching me things I need to overcome before I can possibly consider spending my life helping others.

I like about the van: That it really isn’t all that cramped, it could be far worse. I like that it’s actually getting us around safely without any problems and it seems to have decent gas mileage. If it weren’t for a vehicle like the van, I probably wouldn’t have been invited to come along at all.

I like about clouds: I’m fascinated by clouds and have been since I took some neat pictures in Louisiana. I love the images, I always see pictures and stories within them and always see something new every time I take pictures of them. I feel as though they’re messages writ across the sky for me. I should start writing these things in my doodle book but the messages aren’t coming across completely clear yet. I guess the writing might help with that.

I like about this trip: Going places I’ve never been! Mountains! Trees! The Parthenon! Music! The list goes on and on. I really am having fun and I’m glad that I’m getting a few moments to myself to write and reflect.

I like about Brooke: That she is teaching me patience. Oh Hel is she teaching me patience.

BOPA: Day 2 – Wealth

So, I didn’t get to BOPA last night. It was a choice and I’m pretty happy about it. I had a few experiences I’ll be glad to say I’ve had and I’d rather not write a blog post while inebriated, I’m hard enough to understand when completely sober hah. But, as I said before, I’m not skipping days in the book! So here I am at Day 2. I’ll read this as I write, jotting down my first impressions but I had to giggle a bit. Money is on my mind today, I’m at the end of what I had saved up and am limited on what I can spend for a while. I’m also thinking about how I’ll go about getting a job once I get back to Houston. And what is day 2? Wealth of course!

“We think that you know that you want it to be stimulating. You want to be fascinated. You want to be of value. You want to contribute, you want to make a difference. You want to move forward. You want financial remuneration. You want to be interested in what you’re doing.”

This, this is exactly why I’m back in college now. My previous jobs and anything I qualified for didn’t meet any of these things. They weren’t stimulating. They were mind numbing. And I felt like shit most of the time because my good deeds were never noticed, but every small mistake came out with such negativity. That isn’t the environment I want to be a part of. I want to be surrounded by positivity, by people who are also seeking more in their lives. I do sincerely believe that my education path will take me to this place, and in the mean time I am finding other facets of myself that I further wish to explore.

“Remember, step one is the asking, step two is the answering, and step three is the letting it in.”

I do like the question of action v. inaction. This is one reason that I could never strictly follow eastern philosophies, too much inaction. I do acknowledge there is peace to be found in this, but I don’t exactly what that peaceful of a life. I want contentment and security, but I also want excitement and inspiration. But, getting back on track, even though the universe is completely bringing things my way, the best way to get the ball rolling is by doing! This is something I’ve been working toward getting comfortable with for a long time. Too much of my life has been spent paralyzed by fear so far, but over the last few years I’ve worked toward action, being proactive, doing rather than waiting. I’m not going to argue that sitting back and waiting when you’re in the vibration is a bad thing, but in my instance, waiting because of fear only generated more fear.

Also, focusing on where you are rather than where you are going. This is a big one for me that I have constantly in practice now! Of course my life isn’t perfect but the funny thing is, I don’t really think about it until I talk to other people. They ask, how are you? How is your family? How is school? How is it living with your mom and grandmother? Apparently, my life is pretty damn hard. Or so I’m told. I get past the most basic details and I’m faced with pity. Of course there are days I get a little frustrated in the moment, but overall I don’t think of it as an impossible (or even bad!) situation. It’s just where I am now and I’m thankful that I’m here rather than where I was this time a year ago.

Funny, this didn’t actually address money but it does apply to my situation in too many ways. I do feel that I’m past this, this needing to be reminded of where I’m going rather than where I am, but this is a practice isn’t it? And a little nudging reminder isn’t a bad thing. Spending this long thinking on it only enforces the practice and sends further energy into the universe. I will graduate with honors, with the degrees that I want, have the career that I want. I’ll find satisfaction in what I’m doing and I’ll be a student the rest of my life, I’ve settled on this mentally not too long ago, but there is always something new to learn. Even if I’m not working toward a degree, I can learn things. I want to learn reflexology and reiki in addition to my degree program. I want to help others to heal.

Evening Ritual

I’m so tired now. I started writing this morning, since then I’ve made it from Memphis to Nashville and walked circles around down town Nashville. It’s been amazing for too many reasons. I wish I could remember everything, well almost everything. But lets not get distracted just yet…

What I Intend to do: Work it! Use the Ho’oponopono. Enjoy life and be open to possibilities. I intend to let stressful things roll off my back, if I am open and honest with myself and those around me then there is nothing the universe will send my way that will hurt me. Be happy! Be reminded. Most of all, I intend to be awesome.

For the Universe to handle: Everything! No, but really..I’d like the universe to make the rest of my vacation as pleasant as possible. I want happiness to rain down on all of us so that we’re all giggly and the neighbors have to wonder if we’re high. I want things to flow smoothly, or at least the opportunity for it and I want my own serenity to be available even if those around me choose to resist the flow.

I will be skipping scripting tonight as I’m impossibly tired, but I will say I’m focusing my good intentions on having a SAFE trip that goes as easily as possible, no problems internal or external.

1) How do I want to feel? I want to feel happy and accepted, I want to feel like an important part of the family, not just an option. I want to feel wanted, not needed or merely useful. What do I want to have? A relationship with my step-mom that I don’t feel the need to constantly question. Otherwise, I just want a stress-free vacation, I want to have fun and not worry about who is grumpy and who isn’t.

2) Will probably not do this part…

3) I’m laying on a massage table, it’s pleasantly warm in the room, dim and it smells like jasmine. Every last inch of my soreness is being rubbed away and I’m melting into the table, happy and feeling so, so good.

4) With the $2,000 I would rent a car once I got to Florida and use the rest for spending money.

I fell asleep at that point hah! But I will say, I had an amazing day, lessons included. A stranger offered to take my trash for me, that random act of kindness and his bright blue eyes made me smile. I saw a concert at the river in Nashville, walked all over the place and made it to the state Museum. All in all, it was a great day.

BOPA: Day 1 – Health

I’ve had so many little thoughts lately that I wish I had written down. I can’t recall half of them now, other than the fact that I wanted to stick them in my blog one way or another. But, I think the important thing at the moment is that I am doing this. Weeks before I started my vacation, I decided that I would use this period of time as more than just “getting away”, I want to get in touch too. I want to work this thing from day one, and if I happen to miss a day, I’ll continue on with the next. So here I am, sitting in a hotel room in Newport, Arkansas, fulfilling a promise to myself.

Morning Ritual Reflections

I’ve read this one several times but I still come away with a new message each time. It speaks of self love, but not in the typical sense. I can so easily say I love myself..but, I normally say “I love everything about myself, except the way I look.” Which, as of this moment that still stands to be true for the most part. I don’t like my weight and I’m uncomfortable when others find me physically attractive. But, lately I’ve been thinking about it in other ways as well…

My hair is it these days. I think I’ve come to the understanding that my weight is a choice and I’ve chosen to be this big and when I choose to no longer be this big then I wont be. I haven’t quite figured out WHY I’ve chosen to be this big yet, other than a means of protection. But, when it comes to how I view my beauty it all relies on how my hair is doing. I could be all dolled up, in all the right clothes but if my hair isn’t cooperating I feel like complete and utter crap. And while others would make excuses for their size or something else, I find myself trying to pardon the frizz in my hair. It’s a little odd, but that too is something I need to stop apologizing for. My hair (and eyes) is the source of most of the compliments I receive.

I wont follow that tangent too much longer, but this reading also reminds me of another very, very important point. I do struggle at times with remembering there is unity in all things. When I am in the right mindset, I can see it. I agree with it and know it to be true. But then I return to the “normal” and the idea that putting love into my food seems silly. I think I’ll make this as part of my intentions. The last BOPA meeting I was able to attend, we talked about praying before we eat and blessing our food. I’ve always loved that tradition but felt so odd about it and uncomfortable christian memories. 

What I Intend to do: I intend to bless my food before eating it. When I can, I will write love or light on my drinks, especially water, which I intend to drink more of. I intend to make an effort not to be so critical about myself, whether it be my weight, hair or any other physical aspect of myself. I also intend to be more loving toward others and lead by example, whether or not they realize what I am doing. I also intend to complete this 30 days.

For the Universe to handle: Most importantly, I will let the Universe keep me safe during this trip; take us down the safest roads, keep the path clear and our driver(s) awake and aware. I will also let the Universe bring the right people into my life, the sparks of moments, the pleasantries and boosts of love and confidence. 

Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Sleeping, sound, peacefully and without a worry

I want to accomplish: Getting a good nights sleep!

I want to feel: Well rested and ready for tomorrow

Segment: Tomorrow morning

In this segment I am: Riding in the van, on the way to Memphis

I want to accomplish: Getting there safely without any problems

I want to feel: Safe and excited!

Segment: Tomorrow mid-day

In this segment I am:  Touring Graceland

I want to accomplish: Having fun, learning new things, getting TONS of pictures

I want to feel: Exhilarated

Segment: Tomorrow evening

In this segment I am: Walking down Beale St.

I want to accomplish: Finding something new, meeting new people, having a good time

I want to feel: Excited and maybe a little scared

Segment: Tomorrow night

In this segment I am: Tucking myself in at the Heartbreak Hotel

I want to accomplish: Getting back to the hotel safely, going to bed in high spirits after doing my BOPA exercises

I want to feel: Satisfied

Daily Ritual

1) To be honest, at the moment I’m not really bothered by much. I do need to get laid, that is annoying, especially knowing I passed up a perfectly good chance before I left town. I wouldn’t attribute that to anything that is bothering me, its just a physical need. But, it would be nice to not be so easily distracted by every attractive thing that crosses my path while I’m trying to spend time with my family. I’d like to just be happy and content with them for now.

2) The question of “What do I want to have?” just made me giggle. Given what I just explained, do I really need to say it? I might blush!

3) I’ll keep my virtual reality to myself as well, it’s following in theme.

4) Today I have $1,000 to spend. With that, I’m going to pay off my bed. That is all.

Evening Ritual

My mind is blown. I’m not brand new to this Law of Attraction stuff, but the way this is worded…I don’t even know how to reflect. I guess it all comes down to the power of your thoughts. If you focus so much on the situation that you’re in, the negative that you’re surrounded by, that is what you will get more of. Of course, you’re putting energy into it, you’re feeding it, you’re calling it into your life. But if you can think on the positive, if you can put energy into what you want, that is what will come to you. That’s the jist of all of this, isn’t it?

Maybe I need to put thought into attracting a man. I’m sorry, I had to laugh. I know that isn’t what I really want. Maybe this desire isn’t so simple after all. I’ll have to think on it. Perhaps I’ll dream on it tonight, I expect something vivid and telling. But, I did enjoy this reading, as mind blowing as it is. I’m happy to say that at the moment, I’m not completely miserable with my place in life. I know it is only where I am and not where I will be and I put so much thought and love into where I want to be, I know it will be a reality.

About today I liked and enjoyed: I think it might be easier to list what I didn’t like! But that would defeat the purpose wouldn’t it? I liked finishing my summer classes completely. I liked getting to spend time with my cousins. I really enjoyed getting a personal tour from my cousin Junior. I enjoyed the little nap I managed to get in at cousin Waynes house. I loved all the animals I got to play with today. I liked all the green, the rivers and lakes. I liked dinner and getting to be around even more cousins. I loved being able to share stories and learn more about my family. I loved being able to laugh and sharing all the hugs.

I like about myself: My determination! I like that I’m actually over looking my weight now, even though it has been slightly redirected to my hair. I like my smile, I actually do like my hair, I like how kind I can be but that I also know my boundaries. I like that I have such a strong connection to animals and feel so good out in nature.

I like about Dena: She has such a great sense of humor and a mischievous little smile. I feel like we have much more in common than we’ll ever know.

I like about Felicia: Her smile! The way she tells stories. Her happiness is contagious, it’s absolutely amazing.

I like about Junior: His stories! His witty little comments. I love hearing the things he had to say as well as the questions he had to ask, he is so unexpected and refreshing.

I like about Kristy: She knows my body language and easily reads my mood, I’d forgotten that she could. I like how considerate she is, even if a little skittish. I’ve enjoyed seeing another side of her that seems slightly more vulnerable and easy to relate to. 

I like about Martha: What isn’t there to like! She is so blunt in that wonderful old southern sort of way. She is filled with so much love and happiness. She has some stories too and it’s just been completely wonderful being around her. I know that we’d be close too if we lived closer to one another.

And tonight, I intend to dream my answers and in the morning I will remember them.

Worry Less

That’s what I keep telling myself tonight; Worry Less.

I’m leaving tomorrow afternoon for vacation! I could write an entire post just on my excitement, all the feelings I have toward my family and all the things I want to do, but that isn’t what is pushing me to write tonight. However, I will say that I fully intend to start from day 1 of the workbook after I’m completely done with my school work.

And there we have it, the source of my worry. Actually, let me be completely honest here. I didn’t manage my time well. I was (and to a degree am!) so proud of myself at how we’ll I’ve handled these classes, but I misread a very important assignment and didn’t go back to double check it. Now this assignment is due at a time that I’m not certain I will have access to the internet.

I have a plan of action but my mind is playing out all of these horrible scenarios where I wont get it done on time and I’ll fail the class. I feel other things creeping up around the edges as well, but I’m fending them off. Worry Less.

So tonight I’ll sleep. I have an alarm set to go off fairly early and after I’ve done packing, I’ll spend the rest of my morning working on this assignment. I’ll also have a good amount of time sitting at the airport both before and after my flight. At first I wasn’t too thrilled about that thought, who wants to sit around an airport for hours after they’ve landed? But now I’m thankful and part of me hopes my fathers flight is delayed (but not cancelled!) so that I get a bit more time.

It’s nights like this I wish I knew where my angel oracle cards were. They’ve been mysteriously absent since I moved to Houston..but I’m sure they’ll turn up sooner or later. So let’s see what my beautiful dragonfly tarot has for me. Words of comfort perhaps?

8 of cups..hah..okay, maybe I wont wait until the morning. I have at least another hour before I’ll sleep tonight. So that’s an hour that I can dedicate to my project and an hour that will make me much more confident about tomorrow. And with that..I’ll be back to write more once I’m able to start over from day 1!

 

I’m not sure why I keep seeking validation in others. It isn’t such a terrible thing at the moment, their questioning brings resolve to things I’ve been fearful to accept about myself before…but it is one of those things I wish I could process differently. I’ve come to the decision, that is why Jonathan came into my life. He is very directly asking me questions as well as making me question my stance on a number of things that I should have well formed opinions about at this point in my life. As annoying as it has been, I have to be grateful for this.

I’ve also realized why my segmenting isn’t exactly working. I’m working against my own desires and along with expectations I feel are being placed on me for one reason or another. When I know I’m being expected to do something, I segment that it will go well..when the truth is, I’d rather be doing something else entirely. But because I’ve given into that expectation myself, I feel guilty if I don’t follow that given plan and end up having wasted time because I can’t justify to myself that the time is now mine. Instead I invent some illness, some excuse, some procrastination to ensure that I don’t have to do the things I don’t want to..but ultimately don’t enjoy NOT doing them. I need to recognize my own wants more clearly and make better use of my time.

Daily Ritual

What I Intend to Do: I intend to listen to myself, my wants more clearly. I intend to catch up on my school work and enjoy the time I am giving myself off. I intend to try to find some balance over the next two weeks so that I can stay on track. I FULLY intend to pass my classes with the highest grades possible. I intend to do the absolute best that I can and be satisfied with that.

For the Universe to Handle: I will let the Universe allow tomorrow to flow easily, letting me balance time as easily as possible to make sure I can get everything done in time and be able to do everything I want at the party. I will let the Universe handle the situation with people from my past, allowing there to be a feeling of love and understanding between us. I will let the Universe handle money flow, making my financial aid process as easy as possible.

 

1. Segment: After I post this

In this segment I am: settling down to bed

I want to accomplish: Getting a wonderful nights sleep, waiting up refreshed, happy and motivated

I want to feel: Happy and energized!

2. Segment: In the morning

In this segment I am: Taking quizzes!

I want to accomplish: Acing the quizzes, getting it all done before Elina’s party

I want to feel: Accomplished, caught up, on top of things

3. Segment: Tomorrow afternoon

In this segment I am: Helping set up Elina’s party

I want to accomplish: Having fun, helping out a friend, enjoying myself

I want to feel: Happy, connected, useful

4. Segment: Tomorrow evening

In this segment I am: Reading

I want to accomplish: Finishing my notes for my english reading

I want to feel: Ahead of the game! At ease. Happy

5. Segment: Tomorrow night

In this segment I am: Writing my blog post

I want to accomplish: Further working with the law of attraction

I want to feel: Peaceful

30 second scene of joy: It’s early in the morning, I’m waking up but there isn’t an alarm. I know there is something good going on today, but not until later. It’s the thrilling excitement of expectation, that shiver just under my skin that makes me want to move and jump and sing but it isn’t time and I don’t want to get out of bed. I love the warmth, the sunlight filling my room and making the yellow-gold walls glow.

About today I liked and enjoyed: Sleeping in! I loved that part, it felt so nice not to get up so early this morning, not to do anything first thing in the morning. I liked watching more of the spirit science videos. I liked talking to Jonathan, not for the context of our conversation but for the answers I found in talking to him. I liked getting to watch the movie 2012 from beginning to end and for once not being terrified that the world was going to end soon.

I like about myself: My balanced, logical yet empathetic mind. I love that I am able to see things from many different views but am not easily upset, I always try to look for the source and the silver lining before deciding my exact feelings on any matter. I like that I am ambitious. I love that I have decided on my goals and am reaching for them. I like my confidence.

I like about Jonathan: that he is very open. I like that he isn’t easily ashamed, that his sense of humor flows easily. But I like that he also tries to be courteous. I like how different his views are from mine, that he allows me to see things from a different position. I like his endless questions and his willingness to listen. I like that he is forcing me to face things that make me uncomfortable, making me realize that there are things that I still don’t know about myself.

Is it odd that I’m struggling with this now? I could go on for days about the things I’m grateful for, but this wording makes me struggle. “I like about…” always makes me want to think of a person, which only makes me realize just how few people influence my life at the moment. I’m not sure this is a bad thing, until I get into the deeper studies of my chosen profession I could do with as little influence as possible. But because of the limited contact I don’t have many new things to say about the people in my life. I’m thankful for my home, for my car, for my cat and even my chameleon. I’m thankful for the community I’m a part of, for the opportunities in my life and even the growth that I’ve seen in myself. I’m thankful for all of my professors, for my parents and their assistance. I’m even thankful for the government, for schools being established, for my right to attend them and financial aid being available. 

Things could be better, but they most certainly could be worse and I have no reason to be unhappy with my current lot in life. I am molding my life while I am being molded into my most perfect self.

Comfort is the enemy. I get comfortable and let things slip away. I’m not there yet. I can avoid it if I sleep tonight. I wont have problems because (I’m subtracting the IF here) I WILL do what I need to tomorrow. I didn’t take advantage of the opportunities presented to me today. I had a peaceful environment for hours but I didn’t utilize them toward school work that needs to be done..and done quickly. But I know myself, I know how productive I can be and I have no doubt that I am capable of staying in this comfortable zone. I just can’t let myself stagnate. It is a process, not something achieved and kept.

That could be said about most things, huh? Anyways, I’m so close to dozing off.

I can’t recall what I dreamed last night only that at one part I was forced to look in the mirror and my eyes were green. I was amazed, they had changed from blue to green and everyone else knew it except for me. They were beautiful, I’ve always loved green eyes. I was stunned that I hadn’t noticed the change, they were clearly green and I looked in the mirror every day but I’d been born with blue eyes so how could they be anything else? I didn’t question that what I was seeing every day in the mirror was different from what I’d grown up knowing to be true.

Daily Rituals

What I Intend to do: FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS! I will be productive tomorrow. I will do my school work. I will focus. I will ignore distractions. I will remember to eat. I will keep my grandmother calm. I will stay calm. I will get my work done!

For the universe to handle: Peace, it has been wonderful so far that I’ve been peaceful..I’ve had peace when I needed it. The universe will see that something good from the break ins at my grandmas house.

I will need to start this earlier tomorrow…I’m drifting off before I can get to any part of the segmenting. But tonight I would like to dream again. The answers I’m receiving are beautiful in their direct simplicity. But tonight is about resting, finding my motivation and waking up completely refreshed and ready to mentally run the marathon ahead.

Being Open, Practicing Abundance

I’m in a null period. So many little parts of me are on the back burner while I focus on keeping up with my grades. I feel as though I should be overwhelmed, these tremendous tasks lay ahead of me and the days are passing by so quickly. I haven’t left the house in five days, normally that would be a bad thing but I’m balancing. I’m reading, I’m writing, I’m taking care of the house. That length of time didn’t register with me until a few hours ago and only because I may be going out tomorrow.

I feel it distantly, part of me waiting, holding my breath for something to happen. In the past I was prone to avoiding anything that caused me anxiety. I nearly failed a class last semester because I was nervous to look at my emails regularly. And I haven’t kept up with BOPA as I wanted to. It isn’t that I can’t. I have time every evening that I could dedicate to the practice but when it comes down to it, I’d rather not most nights. My mind is tired and I don’t want to come to resent it.

I am planning ahead. I will be headed on vacation come the 3rd of July and done with my summer classes by the 9th. The day after I finish my finals, I would like to start the work book from day 1. I made an attempt to start this once already, but I was interrupted and it was the next day by the time I got back to it. Yet, since I’ve stopped everything, even my doodle book, I’ve felt a little discontented. The interesting thing is that I do notice that change in vibration more easily now and can generally put it to better use even if I can’t completely change it.

Today was a perfect example. I wasn’t happy when I woke up this morning. I began reaching for the excuses; I haven’t slept well for a couple of days, my mom..my grandma..my house..the city in general. You name it, it passed through my head as I played that little game, seeing what would best fuel my self pitying fires. But I stopped and asked myself why? Why was I so grumpy? What was causing me to feel this? How did I want to feel? What did I need. As usual it came down to an issue of control and while I worked out those feelings, I took control of what I could – cleaning and organizing various parts of the house. I didn’t finish everything, but I’m pleased with myself and by the end of the day I was happy again and proud that I’d accomplished so much.

So, during this null period I’m going to keep doing at least the little daily exercises. I may do them first thing in the morning, scripting my day and being grateful. This is the key, I think. Years ago I hated myself completely and one of the best things I did (besides deciding I didn’t want to feel that way any more) was by complimenting myself at least once in the morning and coming up with something different every day that I was grateful for. The list is truly endless if you let it be.

Daily Rituals

What I intend to do: I intend to remain in this balanced place, to ignore the anxieties and remind myself that as long as I keep up with my school work there is no reason to be anxious. I intend to be happy and make the most of my free time. I intend to have my personal spaces completely clean and organized before I leave for vacation. I intend to start meditating in the evenings so that I can sleep more easily again. I intend to drink more water.

For the Universe to Handle: The universe will give me the peaceful time I need to accomplish my school goals. It will remove any obstacles from my path in regards to my up coming assignments. It will make sure I am able to effortlessly find the perfect sources for my research projects.

1. Segment: Tonight

In this segment I am: Sleeping and dreaming

I want to accomplish: Getting a good nights sleep, seeing further answers in my dreams

I want to feel: At peace and completely refreshed

2. Segment: Tomorrow morning

In this segment I am: Eating breakfast

I want to accomplish: Giving my body the fuel it needs to make it through a productive day!

I want to feel: Energized!

3. Segment: Tomorrow

In this segment I am: Studying

I want to accomplish: Staying focused on the tasks at hand and getting a good start on my class assignments.

I want to feel: Accomplished

4. Segment: Tomorrow evening

In this segment I am: Going to the movies

I want to accomplish: Having a good time with Jonathan and seeing an interesting film

I want to feel: Elated, joyful, blissfully at peace

5. Segment: Tomorrow night

In this segment I am: Safely at home, relaxing and preparing for the next day

I want to accomplish: Making it home from the date, feeling good and being prepared for more school work!

I want to feel: Happy

Virtual Reality: I am in my dads pool, floating in the water and smiling. The water feels so good, its cool while its so hot outside. It’s a split second in time, a moment of complete joy. Everyone is there, the kids are in the pool, my dad is grilling burgers and I know any second I’ll have a face full of water but I don’t care. In this exact moment everything is wonderful, every sensation is abuzz with happy vibrations and I’m surrounded by love.

About today I liked and enjoyed: How much I was able to get done, I feel super accomplished. I like that even though I wasn’t feeling well I still cooked a very good and moderately healthy dinner for my family. I also made our lunch without anyone having to ask. I liked when my mother told me thank you for various things I’d done, not having expected any of it to be noticed. I enjoyed the note from my English professor, as random as it was, comparing me to one of my favorite TV show actresses (Garcia from Criminal Minds). I enjoyed talking to Jonathan on the phone today, both of us were feeling off today so it was interesting to have that conversation knowing that we don’t always have to put on that happy face with each other. I liked staying up a little later than I should have to watch a couple of episodes of Dexter, I’m finally to episodes I haven’t seen before and I have that thrilling feeling of expectation and gasping wonder as the plot twists unravel.

I like about myself: How smart I am! How ambitious I am. I like the way my priorities are set, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. I like that I am actually able to enjoy my classes, that certain assignments spark that need to know more. I like the fact that I don’t shy away from reading legal documents and that I’m not satisfied with following the media, I like that I always seek out the truth when something grabs my attention and that I don’t blindly trust everything I see and hear. I like how easily I find humor in things, I love the feeling of laughter and am so glad that I can find good things to laugh about even in the worst situations. I like that I am starting to truly trust myself, not just that anxious little voice in my head, but the real me that knows I can accomplish anything that I want. I really just..like me.

I like about my mom: That she is adapting too. I like that she is so compassionate. I like that she can embrace her feelings so easily and doesn’t stop herself from feeling them. I like that there is a little prestige to her job title and that she got there without any education past high school. I like that she supports me and seems to be the only one who actually understands my ups and downs when it comes to my education – she was the only one who understood why I was upset making a C on a writing assignment when everyone else in my life thought it was great that I passed.

I like about every romantic relationship I have ever been in: I like that they have all taught me something. Not a single one was wasted. I don’t regret any of them. If it weren’t for each of them, I wouldn’t be where I am now. There really haven’t been many, I don’t let others in all that easy, but they’ve each taken me to the next step in my life and taught me something about myself. Had it not been for these men, I can’t imagine where I would be right now. I’m especially thankful for Chance, who motivated me to leave Florida, and despite the heart break had it not been for him I don’t know how I would have ever made it back to college. I get a giggle about it sometimes, I think the universe sends men my way because I wont pay attention to the other signs. Can’t say I mind that entirely, though I’d like a little less of the before mentioned heart break. Maybe that just means I should start listening to the more subtle messages.

I like about my dad: I like the way he views the world. I don’t understand him half the time, but I would love to grasp his philosophy some day. I’ve modeled much of my world views and happiness on the things hes taught me. I scroll through facebook and see quotes that hes told me at some point or another. I like that he gave that to me, that appreciation for knowledge, that need to know the truth and ultimately the ability to concede when faced with the fact that not everything is meant to be known. I like that he came from nothing and made his life what he wants it to be and that hes encouraging me and my siblings to do the same. I like that he taught me the actual importance of work, the value of money and forced me to realize that I am capable of taking care of myself.

I like about my car: I’ll always tie it back to my Granny Elma, even though it was never hers. If it hadn’t been for trading in her old truck, I wouldn’t have this car. It’s gotten me everywhere I’ve needed to go for almost two years, it carried me from Florida to Texas and it’ll carry me through college. It’s comfortable, just the right size for me. It also reminds me when I’m being selfish that my dad does go out of his way to help me when he sees the need..which helps me put things into perspective between need and want. I don’t need a car, there is always public transportation, but I’m so completely thankful that I have it.

I like about Jonathan: (lol..I tried to resist) I like that he is teaching me something and that I’m recognizing it as it happens. I like that he is pushing me in ways that I’m not accustomed to, forcing me to ask myself uncomfortable questions and set clear boundaries. I like how open he is with me, I like his sense of humor. Oddly enough, I really like how tall he is and how attractive he seems to find me. I like the fact that I can see myself through his eyes, through his art and the things he says. I like that he is helping me to appreciate the last thing I struggle with liking about myself (my physical appearance, especially my weight). I like that he respects my school obligations.

 

And tonight I will dream. I want to dream of happy things, I want to see the path I’m on, I know I’m back on track. But I also want to understand this lingering feeling of lack, it’s nagging at the edges of my subconscious. I know in part it is because I’ve quit gaming, which played a huge social role for me, but I need to understand why I can’t let that go or be shown the way that I can let it go. My real social life is very much alive, but I feel that familiar want to close in on myself and seek out the ‘safety’ of the internet. I don’t know why, only that I know that really isn’t what I need or want to do. So, that is the thought I’ll sleep on tonight, not worrying, merely a question..and the universe will answer, as it has been very good about doing, in my dreams.

I am Open and welcoming love into myself and my life with Abundance.

Dualistic v. Holistic

I am growing. I’ve been on this journey from the moment that I was able to question the world around me. This was a very discouraged habit when I was young. Questioning parents lead to the typical answers; because I said so, because I’m the mom, you’ll understand when you’re older. Meanwhile questioning spirituality was always answered with ‘because the bible says so’. The verses of Jesus Loves Me is still writ in my blood.

God is a dirty word. It is this ominous thing, this hateful thing that creates a caste system all its own where only the clique few are loved and the rest are doomed to shame. When I began to grow, when I yearned to learn and find the truth, I was not taken in with love and understanding. No, I was told I should be ashamed of myself for even conceiving of the notion of expanding my own knowledge. If it was not shouted from the pulpit, I didn’t need to know it. God began to symbolize my resentment, it was the thing that wished to bind me with ignorance and chastise me for having thoughts. God was the men and women who turned their back on me when I was lost and confused, when I was in pain.

I’m always quick to defend my spiritual beliefs, to point out how different they are from the type of Christians I knew as a child, but I’m just as quick to explain my respect for Christians as if this will save me some further degradation. It is true, of course, I do have a good deal of respect for the religion and anyone who practices it as more than just a cover story. Jesus was love, even if God is presented as vengeful and jealous (but don’t get me started on the idea of a flawed-perfect creator).

Over the last several months, this habit of mine has become more and more evident to myself. After these interactions, I question – why is it so important that I defend myself? Why is it so important that I stress my stance on the christian faith? Why do I always face this with aggression? In myself, I know my truth. God isn’t dirty, God isn’t the source of this discomfort. What ever name or face that is put to this..essence, I see the connectedness between things. I see it more and more every day that I devote to this journey and at the center of it is myself.

I am actively striving to shed these dualistic tendencies, the division between things, between religions. There is no difference between spirit and body, they are connected. There is no difference between the concept of God and the term I’ve found most comforting lately, the Universe. It is all connected and it doesn’t need me to defend it. I am not a missionary, I have no want to change others core beliefs, speaking of spirituality should be a blessed moment..not an argument preparing for war.

It is a bit of a declaration, I suppose. I doubt my thirst for knowledge, especially in regard to religion and spirituality, will ever be quenched, but it is something I need to accept wholly as my own and allow every other person to make their own choice (whether they are happy with it or not) – just as I have.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.