It has been a very long day of driving and the before mentioned tension is still present but it has been great! I don’t often speak about my personal spiritual practices, beyond new discoveries and so on but since I started back to college I’ve called on Athena many times. Although my ties are very clearly made with the Nordic pantheon, I can’t deny that I’ve always felt a calling to several roman/greek Goddesses. Today, we went to the Parthenon in Nashville. I wasn’t aware of its existence, but there was a page about it in the hotel book of local attractions. Luckily it wasn’t all that far from where we were saying..let me just say wow! It was such a powerfully spiritual adventure for me, dancing with images of the future temples I’d love to help create. I also now have an Athena figurine for my alter, which in itself has made this entire trip worth it..but I suppose I should get to the daily reflections and writing, shouldn’t I?
I did read this before starting my day and I’ve returned to that awe struck feeling of hitting the spot head on.
“You know at the very core of your being that you are an uplifter, and when somebody has made you not feel good it is doubly terrible to you because not only were you not intending to come forth and be dependent on them to make you feel good, you planned on making them feel better.”
I’ll be honest, I’m not always aware of the feelings of those around me but it is true that I never intend to cause anyone discomfort or any other negative feeling. I’m often concerned when those around me are feeling down but I’m not always sure what to do or say. But I feel their distress and depending on the situation, ask myself “what did I do wrong?” or “why doesn’t s/he like me?”. But this isn’t the question at all, nor is it my place to question their vibration if they’ve chosen it so firmly. I am leading myself to ask better questions these days, taking the I out of the equation and removing my ego from their problems. It isn’t easy, but it is something I am growing with.
“If I would look for something to appreciate and make that my dominant vibration, I would live happily ever after and fulfill my reason for being.”
I love this as well. I do have the habit of dwelling. The moment things start to go wrong I pull up everything from the past, the history of behavior that supports the harm being done. But instead, if I could find something (even completely outside of the situation) to appreciate, I wouldn’t feel the need to concern myself so much. What is being hurt here afterall? Not me. I’m not in physical pain in any way and it’s my choice to let words and tone affect me. It is my ego that is being hurt, but I’m not my ego. Don’t get me wrong, I’m hella proud of myself and in that sense my ego – my confidence – isn’t a bad thing, even if it could stand to be a little more humble at times. But these actions ‘against’ me aren’t a reflection of me or my person, they’re a reflection of the other persons pains and their choice to reside in those pains.
“The secret to life is this: look for something to appreciate and practice it until it becomes easy and you will live happily ever after.”
I love this. And I see exactly how this workbook is helping me to do just that!
What I Intend to do: Ho’oponopono the hell out of the rest of my trip. I intend to be more aware of how I am feeling and what I am saying. I intend to think of something I love/appreciate every time a negative feeling arises. I intend to forgive. I also intend to let go of this childish idea of ‘fairness’*.
For the Universe to Handle: Keep us safe for the remainder of the trip, let the van keep working in perfect order the rest of the way. Keep presenting me/us with amazing things and allowing everything to fall into place just the way it has been!
* I have to note here an internal struggle I faced yesterday. With the recent death of my grandfather and trying to address my grandmother’s affairs, I started thinking about my father and how difficult things will be when he passes away. Although I will never do anything to cause distress for my brother or sister, I feel like I know exactly what will happen – I will be completely cut out and forgotten because of my stepmother. While some sort of monetary inheritance would be nice, that isn’t what I want. I wasn’t even expecting anything with my grandma..I only wanted one of her butterfly necklaces, but now I’m being told I’ll receive several thousand. But that’s beside the point. All I want of my fathers are his photographs of the family and one of his rings. I decided in my mind that this was fair, but played out the scenario of what would actually happen and it wasn’t pleasant. It didn’t hit me until later that it doesn’t actually matter. When it comes down to it, it isn’t his things that are important.
In this segment I am: Sleeping
I want to accomplish: Getting more than one hour of sleep at a time
I want to feel: Well rested
In this segment I am: Going on the family outing (yet to be decided)
I want to accomplish: Enjoying myself and making great memories with the kids
I want to feel: Happy!
In this segment I am: Riding to our next stop
I want to accomplish: Making it the rest of the way through the mountains safely
I want to feel: relaxed, easy, comfortable
In this segment I am: Writing
I want to accomplish: Writing at least one full short story
I want to feel: Creative, inspired, relaxed
In this segment I am: Stopping for the night (my father hasn’t decided if he wants to drive straight through or not, but I’m saying we will stop!)
I want to accomplish: Not being cramped in a van for more than 5 hours straight
I want to feel: as relaxed as possible
1) I didn’t meet many people today, only the staff at the hotels and the places we stopped to eat. I will say, everyone I came in contact with was nice beyond their professional responsibility. I enjoy smiles and genuine politeness. To me this isn’t just respect, but an acknowledgement of the people you are helping. I find Namaste to be a beautiful phrase, but it isn’t something commonly heard/said anywhere..actually, I haven’t heard anyone actually say it, only pass it around facebook. To me, a genuine smile holds everything that Namaste stands for.
2) To the questions how do I want to feel and what do I want to have…well, I want to feel happy. I want to feel satisfied with myself. I want to feel enough, nothing more nothing less. I can’t say I really want to have anything. Well, that isn’t true either. There are endless trivial things I would like to have, but they aren’t necessary and I think they would just be filling some sort of void. I want to have more reasons to be happy, I also want to be a reason that those around me are happy..or at least have the choice to be happy.
3) I am in the temple of my mind, each wing dedicated to the Pantheons of my past lives while three Goddesses who call to me in this life claim the central room. But I’m not alone, this isn’t only my place. It isn’t my place at all, but I am a part of it. There are others here, but I don’t see their faces, they are kneeling or raising their hands in reverence, I don’t see any of their faces, but that is exactly what I feel, reverence and power. I feel a knowing and trust that these entities, these powers, are here to assisting me if I merely ask the question..if I make my desires known.
4) Today I have $3,000 to spend and being in this spiritual mindset, I would spend it all on creating a place in my moms backyard, a gazebo of types with an altar and figurines of the various God/desses.
Ok! Ok! I get it! I need this pounded into my head, tattooed on the back of my eyelids. What is it with mother figures? I just realized that. The only two people who are still capable of getting under my skin and causing me lasting distress are my mother and stepmother. I feel powerless against them for very different reasons. I’ve put myself in a situation with my mother that is very unstable, as she could change her mind at any moment and I would be in a very bad situation. My stepmother on the other hand doesn’t have that level of power over me, but she has the distinct ability to remind me constantly that I’m not part of her family.
I understand we didn’t start on the best terms, but I was a teenager who was in the deepest parts of my self-hatred stage. Almost twelve years later and I still feel like that is who she sees. It doesn’t matter what I do or say, that is the image of me that she reverts back to and I don’t understand what I am doing to enforce this. I am VERY different than I was then, obviously, but even different than how I was four..even two years ago. I am constantly evolving and trying to expand myself, but this isn’t what she sees. She sees the threat, the reminder that my father had a life before her, and that I was a bitch as a teen.
I say this and even as I’m writing it I realize that I can’t know what she actually thinks of me, only the impressions I get from the way she responds to me. Regardless of what she sees or thinks, even when there are brief positive moments, it always comes back to a snappy attitude. She finds me annoying, that much I do know to be true, although I don’t know why. And this is where I must remind myself, IT DOESN’T MATTER. It is HER choice to reside in this place of agitation. There are plenty of things that annoy me, more in the past than now, but it is my choice whether or not to acknowledge them, or appreciate the things around me.
“You set your own tone so that you get to choose the tone of what happens in the interaction rather than observing someone else’s and becoming part of that.”
Let her be annoyed. Let the children go crazy. Let my father..be whatever he is, I can almost never read his emotions. The point is, their reality doesn’t have to be mine. This is something my father has tried telling me before, in other words, but I’ve always found it so hard to grasp. It is still a struggle and one that I need to be reminded of over and over. This is a practice after all. And even though it may still upset me at times, the fact I notice it and change my vibration is amazing progress.
About today I liked and enjoyed: Did I mention the Parthenon? The Parthenon was frickin amazing! Not just the scale building of well, the Parthenon, not just the gigantic statue of Athena, but also the art gallery and the history behind the building and the land. It was just beautiful and interesting and completely spiritually uplifting. I liked feeling a hint of what it meant to worship the Gods when it was common to walk into such temples…the sense of their size, their grandeur, the fact that to look upon their faces was a thing of awe and strain and that to crumple down and bow before them makes you that much smaller before their might. I like the power in that. I like that I can say that I’ve been to the Grand Ol’ Opry, even if it wasn’t to see a show, sometimes just going to a place is enough to make it a good memory. I’m glad I got so many great pictures today! Really, today was good. It feels like everything just falls into place, even the fact that the vending machines at the rest stop accepted credit cards since I’d run out of cash. I like that we stopped at a waffle house, I’d meant to ask if we would because after going places with Granny Elma so much, it just doesn’t feel like a real vacation/road trip if I don’t go to a waffle house at least once. And we got to do a load of laundry! I have a clean bra that doesn’t have 4 days of sweat stink!
I like about myself: Can I just say, my GPA? I love my grades and I love the stance I have on that. It isn’t that I would be upset if I get a bad grade but that getting a bad grade for a class isn’t an option. There is no reason for it if I put in even minimal effort and there is no reason why I should stop at the minimum, so no, bad grades are not an option. I like that I’ll be in honors classes next semester! (pending I get to talk to the school). I like me. It’s silly but there isn’t anyone else quite like me.
I like about Kristy: That she is forcing me to ask questions and then realize..it doesn’t really matter! I do actually like the lessons that she is teaching me because I know at the end of the day, she is family and that it is better I learn these things with her than others. She is teaching me things I need to overcome before I can possibly consider spending my life helping others.
I like about the van: That it really isn’t all that cramped, it could be far worse. I like that it’s actually getting us around safely without any problems and it seems to have decent gas mileage. If it weren’t for a vehicle like the van, I probably wouldn’t have been invited to come along at all.
I like about clouds: I’m fascinated by clouds and have been since I took some neat pictures in Louisiana. I love the images, I always see pictures and stories within them and always see something new every time I take pictures of them. I feel as though they’re messages writ across the sky for me. I should start writing these things in my doodle book but the messages aren’t coming across completely clear yet. I guess the writing might help with that.
I like about this trip: Going places I’ve never been! Mountains! Trees! The Parthenon! Music! The list goes on and on. I really am having fun and I’m glad that I’m getting a few moments to myself to write and reflect.
I like about Brooke: That she is teaching me patience. Oh Hel is she teaching me patience.